Hi @OP, parenting is wonderful and one of the most rewarding and fulfilling role. Unfortunately, there can be those hard and tiring days that we all have to deal with. You sound like a great mom who is conscious of having healthy interactions and communication with her child which is probably why you are having mixed feelings as to what occurred .
I think it might be useful to take the time to sit with her and explain how you felt when she was not listening and obeying you and how you felt when you had to yell at her. Also encourage her to express her feelings with regards to the yelling and hopefully this will enable both of you to learn from this experience and move forward.
Remember you are the mom and you have her best interest at heart.

Anonymous wrote:Our parents never yelled at my sisters and me.

So you remember everything that happened when you were 3,4,5, years old?

Our parents never yelled at my sisters and me.

Good for you. Next time she is putting herself in danger, feel free to give her a slap.

Since when is yelling at your own utterly misbehaving kid not ok?

Anonymous wrote:DD was being a huge pain in the car during tonight's thunderstorm commute - trying to remove her seat belt, screaming that the wipers were too fast, etc. She had books and snacks and I got her dad on the hands free to talk to her so I could drive. Road conditions were awful. I finally screamed at her that I was trying to keep us alive and 5 is too old to behave like this. She got real quiet and withdrawn, which was both welcome and disturbing. We clash often but I don't usually yell - this was so loud my throat hurts. What, if anything, did I do wrong?

Nothing. Next time, she'll sit quietly in the car while you drive. Save the "nuclear" for stuff like this, though. It's fine for her to know that you have limits, and that she needs to respect them.

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who says they never yell at-all-ever is lying. Occasionally, we all yell. No big deal. Move on.

until I'm hoarse? No

Of course I yell sometimes. In a dangerous situation like that I wouldn’t feel guilty. She saw that there is alimony. I like the idea of discussing the situation with her. I wouldn’t apologize.

Nothing. I'd give her a talk tonight (now?) that you are NEVER to distract the driver of a vehicle and the next time she screams you will pull over and she will get out of the car and have to stand on the side of the road, and for every MINUTE she screams she will spend an HOUR standing in front of the wall at home not speaking.

What she did could have been very dangerous. I am not sure why people are worried when they discipline their children.

How long is your commute home with her that she needs books, snacks and someone else to talk with her?

I think it would be smart to have a discussion with her before bed about her behavior in the car. Let her know what she was doing made it very dangerous for you to drive, that you got scared and yelled when you shouldn’t have (because in theory we don’t want to teach children to resolve conflict by yelling). Since you mentioned she became withdrawn the conversation may be a good way for her to let go of any resentment about being yelled at while understanding that when Mom is driving and asks you to do XYZ, you do it without a peep.

But I don’t think you were wrong to yell. Stressful situation. My toddler wouldn’t stop going near the pool at a baby shower and I had to yell at him to get him to stop. It wasn’t ideal but he knows how to stay away from something when asked and wasn’t listening. You gotta do what you gotta do to keep everyone safe.

Sounds like it was a high stress situation for both of you. Cut yourself and her some slack. She was probably freaked out by the storm. Honestly, in situations like this, I'd go to the last resort - watching a video on my phone. No need to let it get to nuclear levels before you give her a few minutes of screen time.

I'd apologize to her that you lost it, and explain that when a person is under stress (road conditions, loud noise of the rain, dad on the speakers and her screaming) people sometimes snap. Then move on. It's nbd OP, promise.

Anyone who says they never yell at-all-ever is lying. Occasionally, we all yell. No big deal. Move on.

Is she usually such a holy terror?

DD was being a huge pain in the car during tonight's thunderstorm commute - trying to remove her seat belt, screaming that the wipers were too fast, etc. She had books and snacks and I got her dad on the hands free to talk to her so I could drive. Road conditions were awful. I finally screamed at her that I was trying to keep us alive and 5 is too old to behave like this. She got real quiet and withdrawn, which was both welcome and disturbing. We clash often but I don't usually yell - this was so loud my throat hurts. What, if anything, did I do wrong?