Anonymous
05/12/2018 01:46
Subject: Family that lives close by but doesn't spend time with us
Anonymous wrote:Can't force intimacy if the other party doesn't want it.
Some of my relatives live within 5 minutes of each other and can't stand to be in the same room.
You're tried. I'd let it go.
Cousin, is that you? Same sitch here. We can almost walk to a relative's house and we barely see or hear from them (no phone, texts, emails, etc.) Just how it is.
Anonymous
05/11/2018 21:25
Subject: Family that lives close by but doesn't spend time with us
OP let it go. Maybe they need down time. Maybe they just aren't that into you. In the end it doesn't matter. Enjoy the time when you are together and let the rest go.
Anonymous
05/11/2018 20:08
Subject: Re:Family that lives close by but doesn't spend time with us
Anonymous wrote:I have relatives who live less than an hour from me. I see them about once a year, and each time they always invite me to come out to their house.
Here's why I don't want to get together with them:
- They are rich; I am poor. They basically go on a trip six to nine times a year. I basically go on a trip every six years. To stand there for an hour listening to them talk about their 25th Disney cruise when I have zero interest in Disney is exhausting.
- They do not stop talking about themselves. They have no idea if I work, what kind of work I do, if I'm in school, if I like to read, see movies, plays, go to museums, baseball games, anything. Because they have literally never asked even once about my interests or hobbies or how I spend free time, or anything about me.
- I was warned by other relatives that they are collectors and I would find their house overwhelming (they don't just have a doll room and a train room, but dolls and trains all over their house). They sound like hoarders to me. I am a minimalist.
- Related to the above, I do not have a car, and would be at their whim for getting back to the ferry to get home. They wound find me rude if I ordered an Uber. ONCE, they very kindly saw I was going to leave a family party and head home on my own and they said, "Oh wait, we'll drive you, just want to ask Host a question." So I waited. TWO HOURS. They had no question for Host - they just wanted to chat with him. They, and I, were the very last ones to leave that party, by over an hour. So never again will I let myself be put in that position.
Maybe this is the issue - you think you are better than they are.
Anonymous
05/11/2018 19:49
Subject: Family that lives close by but doesn't spend time with us
Anonymous wrote:We have family on both sides that live less than an hour away from us. I am very close with my family and see them frequently since we live so close. My husband's parents are wonderful and we try to see them frequently as well. My problem is with his brother's family. They live less than 10 minutes away and the last time we saw them was Christmas. They rarely take the initiative to get together and we go months without seeing each other. I have tried in the past to make plans to get together so at least the cousins can play but have since the lost the desire to do so since I'm the only one who makes the effort. I'm tired to being the only one who seems to care. What's frustrating is they will frequently go over to my in-laws house to spend time with them. What would you do in this situation? Would you continue to invite them to do stuff so the cousins can at least have a relationship or just wait until the next holiday to see them?
Your family [sibs? parents?] live nearby and you see them. DH's brother lives nearby and sees your inlaws. So if BIL's family sees your family 1x /month what about your IL's? Old people not invited also?
Anonymous
05/11/2018 16:56
Subject: Family that lives close by but doesn't spend time with us
OP, I'm in a similar situation. We live 30 mins apart and our children are young but close in age. Our excuse, and likely theirs, the rough and tumble of the week, and we all just want some chill time. Getting the kids together wears everyone out.
Anonymous
05/11/2018 16:52
Subject: Re:Family that lives close by but doesn't spend time with us
Anonymous wrote:To the previous poster, I would hardly say I'm desperate for the cousin relationship, it's just nice to have some kind of relationship. My kids are close to my sister's kids and they love spending time together. Sometimes I get the feeling my sister in law doesn't like me so my guess it that it has something to do with that. I've been nothing but nice and helpful whenever she has needed anything so I have no idea what the issue is. Sometimes she can be really friendly and other times kind of standoffish. My husbands brother has made comments before wishing we all did more stuff together so I don't think it's because of him. Oh well...guess I'll see them next holiday season.
This is me OP - I have family and friends like you that I LOVE. But I love them because they know to give me space and that just because I decline their invitations 2/3rds of the time it doesn't mean I don't love them.
Maybe your BIL + wife aren't interested in having a 8-person family fest with all of the preparations involved every weekend or even every other weekend. And that's fine. They'll still see you when they can.
Anonymous
05/11/2018 16:44
Subject: Re:Family that lives close by but doesn't spend time with us
To the previous poster, I would hardly say I'm desperate for the cousin relationship, it's just nice to have some kind of relationship. My kids are close to my sister's kids and they love spending time together. Sometimes I get the feeling my sister in law doesn't like me so my guess it that it has something to do with that. I've been nothing but nice and helpful whenever she has needed anything so I have no idea what the issue is. Sometimes she can be really friendly and other times kind of standoffish. My husbands brother has made comments before wishing we all did more stuff together so I don't think it's because of him. Oh well...guess I'll see them next holiday season.
Anonymous
05/11/2018 16:02
Subject: Family that lives close by but doesn't spend time with us
Not everyone is as desperate for the cousin relationship as you are.
I like my BIL and wife enough, and the cousins are cute, but we don’t need playdtaes with more family. We are so busy juggling family demands, that we hardly have time for ourselves, much less friends that we WANT to spend time with.
I like my BIL and wife enough, and the cousins are cute, but we don’t need playdtaes with more family. We are so busy juggling family demands, that we hardly have time for ourselves, much less friends that we WANT to spend time with.
Anonymous
05/11/2018 15:49
Subject: Family that lives close by but doesn't spend time with us
Going to your parents house can often mean doing no work. A meal is prepared, kids are playing, and you can check out and browse DCUM most of the evening. It’s not the same when interacting with a sibling and spouse and nieces/nephews. My guess is that they’re just lazy. It’s not really about you.
Anonymous
05/11/2018 15:42
Subject: Re:Family that lives close by but doesn't spend time with us
I have relatives who live less than an hour from me. I see them about once a year, and each time they always invite me to come out to their house.
Here's why I don't want to get together with them:
- They are rich; I am poor. They basically go on a trip six to nine times a year. I basically go on a trip every six years. To stand there for an hour listening to them talk about their 25th Disney cruise when I have zero interest in Disney is exhausting.
- They do not stop talking about themselves. They have no idea if I work, what kind of work I do, if I'm in school, if I like to read, see movies, plays, go to museums, baseball games, anything. Because they have literally never asked even once about my interests or hobbies or how I spend free time, or anything about me.
- I was warned by other relatives that they are collectors and I would find their house overwhelming (they don't just have a doll room and a train room, but dolls and trains all over their house). They sound like hoarders to me. I am a minimalist.
- Related to the above, I do not have a car, and would be at their whim for getting back to the ferry to get home. They wound find me rude if I ordered an Uber. ONCE, they very kindly saw I was going to leave a family party and head home on my own and they said, "Oh wait, we'll drive you, just want to ask Host a question." So I waited. TWO HOURS. They had no question for Host - they just wanted to chat with him. They, and I, were the very last ones to leave that party, by over an hour. So never again will I let myself be put in that position.
Here's why I don't want to get together with them:
- They are rich; I am poor. They basically go on a trip six to nine times a year. I basically go on a trip every six years. To stand there for an hour listening to them talk about their 25th Disney cruise when I have zero interest in Disney is exhausting.
- They do not stop talking about themselves. They have no idea if I work, what kind of work I do, if I'm in school, if I like to read, see movies, plays, go to museums, baseball games, anything. Because they have literally never asked even once about my interests or hobbies or how I spend free time, or anything about me.
- I was warned by other relatives that they are collectors and I would find their house overwhelming (they don't just have a doll room and a train room, but dolls and trains all over their house). They sound like hoarders to me. I am a minimalist.
- Related to the above, I do not have a car, and would be at their whim for getting back to the ferry to get home. They wound find me rude if I ordered an Uber. ONCE, they very kindly saw I was going to leave a family party and head home on my own and they said, "Oh wait, we'll drive you, just want to ask Host a question." So I waited. TWO HOURS. They had no question for Host - they just wanted to chat with him. They, and I, were the very last ones to leave that party, by over an hour. So never again will I let myself be put in that position.
Anonymous
05/11/2018 15:34
Subject: Family that lives close by but doesn't spend time with us
Can't force intimacy if the other party doesn't want it.
Some of my relatives live within 5 minutes of each other and can't stand to be in the same room.
You're tried. I'd let it go.
Some of my relatives live within 5 minutes of each other and can't stand to be in the same room.
You're tried. I'd let it go.
Anonymous
05/11/2018 15:28
Subject: Re:Family that lives close by but doesn't spend time with us
How old are the cousins and do they care?
Anonymous
05/11/2018 15:26
Subject: Family that lives close by but doesn't spend time with us
Invite them if you want to see them, don't if you don't. Do you enjoy spending time with them? Do your kids enjoy spending time with theirs?
Anonymous
05/11/2018 15:25
Subject: Re:Family that lives close by but doesn't spend time with us
What does your husband say about his brother? Siblings aren't always friends.
Anonymous
05/11/2018 14:23
Subject: Family that lives close by but doesn't spend time with us
We have family on both sides that live less than an hour away from us. I am very close with my family and see them frequently since we live so close. My husband's parents are wonderful and we try to see them frequently as well. My problem is with his brother's family. They live less than 10 minutes away and the last time we saw them was Christmas. They rarely take the initiative to get together and we go months without seeing each other. I have tried in the past to make plans to get together so at least the cousins can play but have since the lost the desire to do so since I'm the only one who makes the effort. I'm tired to being the only one who seems to care. What's frustrating is they will frequently go over to my in-laws house to spend time with them. What would you do in this situation? Would you continue to invite them to do stuff so the cousins can at least have a relationship or just wait until the next holiday to see them?