Few million? Suck it up

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're really going to have to clarify how big this inheritance is. Quarter of a million? No. 10 million? Yes.

And what is with everyone telling members of the family when they're seeing other members of the family? Stop doing that!

I think in the range of a few million.

Regarding telling them about seeing other family - they will see it on facebook or ask if we have plans on a certain day and we have a conflict due to plans with my family, etc.

Also, I should add that compared to me and what I do for and with my parents, DH could do better at being a son though I don't know the background/dynamic before I came in the picture. So he isn't completely innocent and sometimes I feel like he can be selfish because he is too tired or doesn't want to make the drive or wants to do a,b, or c instead. This is still no excuse for her petty and childish ways. She has also cut off her own siblings at times and her father too.

For 3 million? Yes, I would suck it up. But I would also not post pics on FB of every gathering, and when I tell someone "Sorry, we're not free Sunday," I don't include "because we're getting together with my family." Stop telling her WHY you can't get together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but they don't sound like awful people so you should probably maintain the relationship, anyway.

Be careful what you let your kids witness in how you treat other people.

You are right. I also want to be careful about not having my kids see me being treated poorly or being around people who don't respect me. I want to teach them respect, loyalty and the importance of giving and receiving love.

Your kids should not be audience to any discord with grandma and grandpa. That should be kept behind closed doors. If G&G can't make that happen I would scale back, if they can then I would stick around.

They may not witness it, but not responding to a call or text from me is rude. Not acknowledging my birthday or mother's day when we send cards/gifts and call is rude. The kids also ask why we haven't seen them so I'd need to lie to them to cover it up.

We cut out our in laws even knowing that we’d get no inheritance. And it would have been enough to really really help us in many ways.

As a PP said, we won’t let our kids see us being treated less than appropriately (and kids are always waaay more observant than you think). We are raising them with strong values. Putting up with even somewhat manipulative behavior so we can get some money is basically the opposite of what we’re teaching them.

Everyone needs to make their own decision about what type of kids they’re raising.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but they don't sound like awful people so you should probably maintain the relationship, anyway.

Be careful what you let your kids witness in how you treat other people.

You are right. I also want to be careful about not having my kids see me being treated poorly or being around people who don't respect me. I want to teach them respect, loyalty and the importance of giving and receiving love.

Your kids should not be audience to any discord with grandma and grandpa. That should be kept behind closed doors. If G&G can't make that happen I would scale back, if they can then I would stick around.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're really going to have to clarify how big this inheritance is. Quarter of a million? No. 10 million? Yes.

And what is with everyone telling members of the family when they're seeing other members of the family? Stop doing that!

I think in the range of a few million.

Regarding telling them about seeing other family - they will see it on facebook or ask if we have plans on a certain day and we have a conflict due to plans with my family, etc.

Also, I should add that compared to me and what I do for and with my parents, DH could do better at being a son though I don't know the background/dynamic before I came in the picture. So he isn't completely innocent and sometimes I feel like he can be selfish because he is too tired or doesn't want to make the drive or wants to do a,b, or c instead. This is still no excuse for her petty and childish ways. She has also cut off her own siblings at times and her father too.

For a few million, yes, I thought I could manage playing nice once in a while. And that's if it doesn't seem like they'll spend it before they go. Of course you can never rely on it, but I would put in some effort for the possibility of DH inheriting it.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but they don't sound like awful people so you should probably maintain the relationship, anyway.

Be careful what you let your kids witness in how you treat other people.

You are right. I also want to be careful about not having my kids see me being treated poorly or being around people who don't respect me. I want to teach them respect, loyalty and the importance of giving and receiving love.

Yes, but they don't sound like awful people so you should probably maintain the relationship, anyway.

Be careful what you let your kids witness in how you treat other people.

Anonymous wrote:You're really going to have to clarify how big this inheritance is. Quarter of a million? No. 10 million? Yes.

And what is with everyone telling members of the family when they're seeing other members of the family? Stop doing that!

I think in the range of a few million.

Regarding telling them about seeing other family - they will see it on facebook or ask if we have plans on a certain day and we have a conflict due to plans with my family, etc.

Also, I should add that compared to me and what I do for and with my parents, DH could do better at being a son though I don't know the background/dynamic before I came in the picture. So he isn't completely innocent and sometimes I feel like he can be selfish because he is too tired or doesn't want to make the drive or wants to do a,b, or c instead. This is still no excuse for her petty and childish ways. She has also cut off her own siblings at times and her father too.

Don't count on the money. My Dad made all kinds of promises and is now giving it away to "girlfriends" and my Mom is so stingy that she makes the grinch look generous. We don't count on a dime.

You have to take the money completely out of this.
People can decide to have more or less contact with family members for lots of reasons. In your case, on the pro side there's the chance for nice vibes that can come from get togethers. On the con side, the mother in this case seems to be a bit high maintenance. Rarely do we ding our relationships with our family members to be perfect. Sometimes, there are bumps and awkward moments that get smoothed over. Other times the relationship is toxic and/or manipulative. All of these elements can exist even when there is absolutely no money issues in the mix.
You and your DH (it's his parents) need to find a level of contact you think works on a social/emotional level. The economic level should not be a part of the conversation.

I don't fault you for taking inheritance into account, OP. Generational wealth is very important.

You have to discuss this with your husband and see how much you can take. Don't forget that she seems to be capable of wrapping you around her little finger and not leaving you anything at all! So only do stuff you are comfortable with.

You're really going to have to clarify how big this inheritance is. Quarter of a million? No. 10 million? Yes.

And what is with everyone telling members of the family when they're seeing other members of the family? Stop doing that!

This should be up to your husband, not you. They are his parents. If she is unstable and lashes out, causing him pain and stress, I wouldn't push your husband to sacrifice his emotional well being and subject himself to that sort of treatment for money... you need to support him in whatever HE decides.

Yes, it is an awful thing to say out loud, I know. In laws have always talked about a sizable inheritance going to Dh and his brother who is single. DH is ambivalent about seeing his parents regularly and we alternate holidays with them (to my MIL's dismay). Both of our families are local. Anyway, over the years I have reminded DH of their birthdays and helped with organizing get togethers for holidays or sending gifts, etc. I've found MIL to be childish and a bit erratic. She sulks if we are not with them on a holiday, if she feels we spend too much time with my family, and for a variety of other reasons. When she is in a good mood and feels like we're paying enough attention to her (usually around holidays we are with her or her birthday) she becomes quite generous all of a sudden and offers to pay for our children's tuition or to buy us a new big ticket item for the house, etc. Then other times, when we've done something wrong in her eye, which she doesn't always communicate, we won't get responses to our texts or calls, birthdays will get ignored etc. In the past I've reached out to see what is wrong and how we can smooth things over, but frankly, I'm tired of it. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and wondering what I or DH has done wrong. Sometimes she is justified for being upset - DH not making time to go see them or helping out when they ask, but other times I really have no idea what the issue is other than I'm taking her son away from her or our kids are spending too much time with our parents.

I think DH would be fine only seeing them once or twice a year but I feel like that is so wrong. I'm worried he'll regret it one day, our kids miss out on seeing them, we end up spending holidays with my family or alone, we are not made to feel a part of the family at times, and of course we don't benefit from their generosity. In the long run, I'm worried that MIL will end up cutting DH off if we go on a long streak of not seeing or communicating with them. She can be very petty, and didn't come from money herself so she loves the power of her fairly new found wealth.