He became verbally and emotionally abusive. He was NEVER present when at home, glued to his work, and travelled the rest of the time. When I started to see how my kids preferred to not be around him because of his explosive temper, it was very easy to know that I could do a much better job of this alone. He has them 4 nights a month and I am seeking full legal custody.

Good luck, OP. Kids do NOT do better in homes with active abuse and thats a fact.

Anonymous wrote:I know I should, yet I can’t muster the courage. It’s not financial - I work and make enough money.
It’s the kids. I’m afraid they will never recover.
I’m also a little sad about our life - our friends and community and that aspect.
But mostly I can’t imagine telling this to the kids. They are 13, 12 and 6.

You have to just accept the fact (despite what those in denial have to say about their own divorces) that your children will statistically have higher rates of anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Maybe they wont, but your kids are at a very vulnerable age.

Abuse is the only thing that would make me walk. I also hold my tongue around my kids when it comes to fighting with DH because they are more important than getting thr last word in.

She cheated and I stayed but I realized it was never going to work. It’s been hard and I think the kids are doing OK. Unfortunately if you have kids you still have deal with your ex, and their poor choices.

I was frozen in place and terrified of being alone, of "ruining" my children's childhood.

A straw broke the camel's back, but eventually (with therapy, too), I ended the marriage.

No regrets. It's the best decision I've ever made. There are difficult parts (particularly for the kids), however staying would have had difficult parts. Kids growing up in a tense house (we didn't have open conflict) do not have healthy examples of attachment and what a good relationship is.

Fast forward years, and I'm remarried. It wasn't my goal but I am so grateful because I've never known such love and support, my kids benefit from seeing this example.

When my then 2.5 yo would try to yell over our fights, and would say "Stop it!" And "Daddy be nice!" I had a newborn son and didn't want him to treat women the way my husband treated me. I also didn't want my daughter to be attracted to men like him. It was very difficult but I knew I had to leave.

Anonymous wrote:I know I should, yet I can’t muster the courage. It’s not financial - I work and make enough money.
It’s the kids. I’m afraid they will never recover.
I’m also a little sad about our life - our friends and community and that aspect.
But mostly I can’t imagine telling this to the kids. They are 13, 12 and 6.

It's never easy because it means admitting that the dream of lifetime commitment didn't happen for you. It's having one of the biggest decisions a person can make fail. None of us like it when something we invested in does not work out. And yes, it is going to suck for the kids. Is there any chance the two of you can tell them together and pledge to be civil to each other and both be strongly involved with their lives?

If the atmosphere at home with your husband is toxic the children will know it and they will be better off in a more peaceful environment.

I finally got up the nerve last year. Hardest year of my life but I'm so much happier. My kids are doing well and co-parenting is going good.

Hugs OP. I can feel your struggle. I do believe it’s easier to divorce now than when your kids are older teens and young adults.

Courage and peace to you.

Funny - it was the kids who gave me the courage. I saw my son's face while we were in a huge fight and could envision him watching us for years and how that might affect him as an adult.

PP again. My D was 4 1/2 at the time. Ironically, she's always been well adjusted. My D even said it's probably because she has no memory of an intact family, she's only known divorced parents, so everything was "normal" for her. And objectively, she's very well adjusted. Was always a top student in school from elementary, jr., and sr. high, and now attending a slac.

Same here. Been divorced about 15 yrs. I prefer to be single than be in a horrible marriage. Marriage would have to be horrible to qualify. Hence my original question to OP, what's triggering the divorce. I think there are circumstances divorce is better, even for kids. I was in such a situation.

I divorced with a 5 y.o. and an 18 mos. old. Talk about scary. But every day of our divorced life is better than our married life - for me and the kids. I have 2 healthy, independent, responsible kids. Yes, we have had sadness. Yes, the kids had less than I had hoped in a father. But, I am so proud of the people they have become.

Authentically healthy but divorced is way better than a facade of perfect 2 parent family covering up a bad marriage and parent.

Anonymous wrote:I know I should, yet I can’t muster the courage. It’s not financial - I work and make enough money.
It’s the kids. I’m afraid they will never recover.
I’m also a little sad about our life - our friends and community and that aspect.
But mostly I can’t imagine telling this to the kids. They are 13, 12 and 6.

Depend on the reason for the divorce. Not enough info provided as to why divorce is necessary here.

I know I should, yet I can’t muster the courage. It’s not financial - I work and make enough money.
It’s the kids. I’m afraid they will never recover.
I’m also a little sad about our life - our friends and community and that aspect.
But mostly I can’t imagine telling this to the kids. They are 13, 12 and 6.