Five years is a long "rough patch" and it's no surprise she didn't give you the answer you were hoping for. Maybe you should ask her what it would take for you to be the love of her life or simply to love you. If my DH and I had had five rough years I'd not answer in the affirmative.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with her. "Love of your life" is a tired trope. Focus on your real world issues, not some fairy tale ideal like the zing of a first kiss that lasts forever. Time to build an adult relationship.

This. Focus on what you want, what you feel, and don't get hung up on framing it all that way.

+1 Some people interpret "love of my life" as the person they were the most crazy for, that person you just can't live without. That's how it's romanticized in our culture. I can categorically say DH is not the romantic partner that fits this definition. That would be my super awful boyfriend from my early 20s. I would tolerate any amount of crap from that dude because "I loooooooove him!" And I spent years being miserable trying to make it work with him because I was convinced he was The One and I could not imagine life without him. It was pure desperation, not love, and a heavy dose of fear of being without him. I thank my lucky stars that he eventually dumped me because it was such a terrible relationship.

I never drive myself crazy with DH because... I don't have to. I'm with him not because I can't imagine life without him, there's no desperation, I'm with him because I want to be. I know I would ultimately be ok without him so it's not fear keeping me here. I'm with him because I love him, he loves me, and we are good for/to/with each other. But that doesn't fix the sexy, over the top definition of "love of my life" that the romantic comedies of my youth told me was the brass ring I should be striving for.

Anonymous wrote:I'm with her. "Love of your life" is a tired trope. Focus on your real world issues, not some fairy tale ideal like the zing of a first kiss that lasts forever. Time to build an adult relationship.

This. Focus on what you want, what you feel, and don't get hung up on framing it all that way.

Move on. She is telling you to do so in her own way.

Honestly, if these are your expectations of an adult relationship, your wife may be better off with someone a little more emotionally stable. So really if you bail for this reason, you'd be doing her a favor. I mean, what's next, are you going to require she believe in soulmates and consider you one, or you'll divorce?

I'm with her. "Love of your life" is a tired trope. Focus on your real world issues, not some fairy tale ideal like the zing of a first kiss that lasts forever. Time to build an adult relationship.

I understand it hurts you hat she can't say you are the love of her life, but to be fair she doesn't claim anyone else was either. Why can't you believe her that she really doesn't think or see things in those terms and that that isn't necessarily a slight against you?

OP, you are ridiculous. Asking that question was ridiculous. Expecting an answer was ridiculous. Signed ~ happily married for decades (and I would never ask or answer .. or believe your crap)

Anonymous wrote:DW and I have gone through a rough patch over the last five years or so and are thinking through whether and how to move forward. I asked her whether I was the love of her life, and she responded that she doesn’t think in those terms and doesn’t know how to answer that question. She cannot say I am, but she cannot say that any prior love was either. I told her that she is without a doubt the love of my life (thus far)as I have never loved anyone as deeply as I have loved her. We have been together for 20 years.

If she cannot say this about me, I am inclined to skip the tedium of trying to make it work and instead go look elsewhere. I recognize that I may not find a person who feels that way about me, in which case I will just have fun only dating and never be so tied down to one relationship again.

Recognizing that, like most affairs of the heart this area is quite dubjective, I am interested in thoughtful comments about whether I am being unreasonable or otherwise wrongheaded here, or whether her inability to say that I am the love of her life is a signal that it may be time to move on.

Yes you are being unreasonable and have watched too many romantic comedies. What do you mean "the love of your life?" Does she say she doesn't love you or that she hates you? Just be happy she was honest with you and move on!

Yes, you are being very unreasonable. Look back on the 20 years you spent together. Do you still want to be with her? Do you feel loved by her? There a lot more to a happy marriage than some silly proclamation of love.

Anonymous wrote: I asked her whether I was the love of her life, and she responded that she doesn’t think in those terms and doesn’t know how to answer that question.

Translation: she's over you, and she's interested in someone else.

The mere fact that she isn't even willing to pretend she's the love of your life should tell you that you're done.

You sound like a teenager.

What's the rough patch you've been going through? What caused it? *That* is where your answer lies, not in some childish notion of soul mates.

Do you have kids?

Grow up.

DW and I have gone through a rough patch over the last five years or so and are thinking through whether and how to move forward. I asked her whether I was the love of her life, and she responded that she doesn’t think in those terms and doesn’t know how to answer that question. She cannot say I am, but she cannot say that any prior love was either. I told her that she is without a doubt the love of my life (thus far)as I have never loved anyone as deeply as I have loved her. We have been together for 20 years.

If she cannot say this about me, I am inclined to skip the tedium of trying to make it work and instead go look elsewhere. I recognize that I may not find a person who feels that way about me, in which case I will just have fun only dating and never be so tied down to one relationship again.

Recognizing that, like most affairs of the heart this area is quite dubjective, I am interested in thoughtful comments about whether I am being unreasonable or otherwise wrongheaded here, or whether her inability to say that I am the love of her life is a signal that it may be time to move on.