I had no curfew and my parents had one basic rule. I needed to keep them informed where I was, who I was with and what I was doing. The logic was that if I didn’t want to tell them, I probably shouldn’t be doing it. Lying would have resulted in things like a curfew or certain activities being off limits (going to college house parties to see punk bands).

The only other rule I recall was not to drive drunk / intoxicated and not to ride with anyone who was drunk / intoxicated. I always knew I could call them.

I grew up in a college town with plenty of access to alcohol and drugs and I didn’t drink or smoke until college. I hung out late at night in the basement of bars or in college rental houses watching bands play and was friends with “bad kids”. Yet I was first chair for my instrument, valedictorian, 3 varsity sports and a club president. I got a great scholarship to a private university. If you had looked at me in high school with my dyed hair and Hot Topic fake Goth / punk clothes, you would not have guessed I was actually more like Tracy Flick in Election than the stoner/ burnout I looked like. I am glad my parents supported me being me while still helping me keep my eye o the prize - college, scholarship, etc.

One or both showed up at almost every single game or meet of mine. They really encouraged participating in sports for the teamwork and hard work aspect of it, and didn't care so much if I was the best on the court.

Doing three sports will tire a kid out sufficiently so they don't engage in other shenanigans. I couldn't stay awake past 10PM and didn't want to drink if I had to get up early and run the next day.

My parents set clear limits and expectations, like reasonable curfews. One of us followed those limits (me), the other didn't (my sibling). But as an adult, sibling has said that things would have been much worse without stated limits.

This fits with something I read recently as the parent of a young teen. You can expect that kids will test those limits, be late for curfew, etc., but the limits themselves set a norm and help rein the kids in. For example, it's better to give a 11:30 p.m. curfew and have kid get home at 12:15 a.m. than to set no curfew and have kids stay out until 3 a.m.

Find the good and ignore the rest. As long as we were doing our work and being respectful, the weird clothes or hairstyles weren't an issue and let us keep our rooms how we wanted. Don't look for trouble where there is none.

I don’t think what my parents did was objectively right, especially by today’s standards, but I’ve turned out well and never got into trouble. I don’t recall having any particular rules. No curfew, I was allowed to work PT during HS (some of my friends weren’t), I traveled on some weekends for my sport by myself or with my sibling (like we would drive 4-5 hours away and stay in a seedy hotel by ourselves (at 16 and 14). Little academic pressure, never asked about homework. In retrospect all a little strange but I managed to get myself into a top SLAC (which they paid for), and later an ivy grad school (which I paid for).

They weren't our 'friends'.

My siblings and I are INCREDIBLY close to my mom and dad.

But--my parents weren't pushovers and during the teen years they didn't try to be our friend like so many parents in this area.

My dad also taught us very early on not to follow the pack. Always be the leader and do your own thing. Don't listen to what others say. Stand up for the victims that don't have a voice. Be nice to everyone. That this point and time everything will feel like the end of the World, e.g. a break-up, a bad test, etc. IT"S NOT. You will love again, etc. My dad also said while we may be physically ready for sex, kids our age are not 'emotionally' ready for the fall out. So true.

The really takeaway point all of us had were strong principles, zero tolerance for the herd mentality, zero tolerance for a**holes and backstabbers. To have a voice.

We all also played competitive sports which for my sister and I even more so than my brother really gave us confidence we took throughout our lives. We were never 'shrinking violets' in the workplace. I have always been the 'voice' for co-workers.

Anonymous wrote:
My friend did this:

If her kid was going to a party, both parents ALWAYS drove the kid (even after the kid had her own car). Even though she would first verify (WITH the parent!) that there would be a parent in the home of the party, there was often NO adult at the house when the party started. So they went home.

Even parents who you knew and trusted will lie to you.

Your job:
Trust, but verify. Always.

Wow. Prepare for complete train wreck when your bubble children go away to college. That is, if you allow them to move out.

Loved us
but lived their life, not for us

Anonymous wrote:
My friend did this:

If her kid was going to a party, both parents ALWAYS drove the kid (even after the kid had her own car). Even though she would first verify (WITH the parent!) that there would be a parent in the home of the party, there was often NO adult at the house when the party started. So they went home.

Even parents who you knew and trusted will lie to you.

Your job:
Trust, but verify. Always.

Absolutely. Thanks Ronnie.

Anonymous wrote:
My friend did this:

If her kid was going to a party, both parents ALWAYS drove the kid (even after the kid had her own car). Even though she would first verify (WITH the parent!) that there would be a parent in the home of the party, there was often NO adult at the house when the party started. So they went home.

Even parents who you knew and trusted will lie to you.

Your job:
Trust, but verify. Always.

This is nuts.

Anonymous wrote:Gave me enough latitude so that I felt the decision to go to college was my own (and it truly was - my parents were self-made, without college, and did not think it was necessary for success).

I have great admiration of your parents for that.

Gave me enough latitude so that I felt the decision to go to college was my own (and it truly was - my parents were self-made, without college, and did not think it was necessary for success).

Made our house the place where everyone was welcome and were always there as an iunjudgemental ear for those kids as well as me and my siblings. Some of those kids were the type of troubled kid that other parents would have discouraged contact with.

Talked openly about drugs and alcohol (and sex, to a lesser degree), letting us know their values but but also that we could call them anytime to be picked up without question. Kept communication lines open.

Took an interest in and were supportive of our friends and activities, whatever they were. Largely let us make our own choices about most things.

Did not put up with any disrespect. We could disagree, or need space, but yelling, slamming doors, or extreme moodiness, or anything worse was not tolerated. This started young, so by the time I was a teenager, it was a given that shouting at my mom was not going to end well. They had casual conversations with us about that sort of behavior when we were not upset (“wow, did you see the way Kate just talked to her mom? That sure was disrespectful and immature. Glad I can always count on you kids to find time to calm down and have conversations like adults! No way I’d let her go to that party after that if she was my kid!””)

My friend did this:

If her kid was going to a party, both parents ALWAYS drove the kid (even after the kid had her own car). Even though she would first verify (WITH the parent!) that there would be a parent in the home of the party, there was often NO adult at the house when the party started. So they went home.

Even parents who you knew and trusted will lie to you.

Your job:
Trust, but verify. Always.

I come from a very dysfunctional family so looking for models of parenting practices that you in hindsight feel that your parents did well.