The fact that you are asking in the way you are and don't already hate your husband is a great sign. I'm sure you are frustrated.

I know people jump to suggest counseling for everything, but this could be a case where going to 2-3 sessions about personality styles and communication before you hit a full-blown relationship crisis could be really helpful.

Your personality type differences could certainly be a recipe for disaster for some, but it is great that it hast been the case for you. I think that it is very hard for us Type A people to let things go. We need to get things done, take charge, "get'r done!" and when we see that others aren't doing it, it is very natural for us to jump in and do it....because we are good at it! I did this from the beginning in my marriage, and my husband, type B, learned pretty early on that I would, and that his way wouldn't be my way, therefore it would not be right! Thankfully, through a lot of trials, fights, resentment...I have learned to let things go, delegate better and accept less than my standards. You don't mention the ages of your kiddos...are they old enough to help out? Work together as a family to create a rotating chore list and then do it. It will be better for all of you if you all work together to make your home run.

I have a type B - ADHD husband who I love dearly. After many years I do the following - it works frequently and helps me not hate him

-Ask for what I need VERY nicely and VERY specifically.

-tell him I’m feeling stressed/overworked. He’s excellent at being funny/calming/whatever

-breath VERY deeply and let things go

-if I can’t let it go I try very hard to fix it to my standards with a happy heart


I’m human and cannot always do these things perfectly. Sometimes I flip out. But I try, and he tries.

Anonymous wrote:I'm betting you both combined make more than enough. Why can't you hire a cleaner rather than hector your perfectly responsible husband.

+1. Some problems are not worth a fight, OP.

Asking your DH to "help" with things around the house is a recipe for failure. He feels micro-managed and infantilized and you feel frustrated because it's not done how you like it and when you'd like it done.

You just need to hand over certain things (grocery shopping, cooking, vacation planning, doctors appointments, whatever you both decide) that he has full responsibility for. He may drop the ball at first (like cereal for dinner because he didn't shop) but he can get there as it sounds like he's basically a nice guy.

I'm betting you both combined make more than enough. Why can't you hire a cleaner rather than hector your perfectly responsible husband.

This doesn’t really sound like a type A/B problem; it’s a problem with inequitable distribution of responsibility. And that is so, so hard on a marriage. I’m pretty type B when it comes to work; I have a good job but I do NOT prioritize my career. I do work super hard on family stuff, clean my own house, am primary/default parent. If things don’t change, I think you should insist on therapy.

If you'd like him to do more around the house or with the kids, you have to let him do it his way not yours. If he agrees to handle the snack for sports do you fuss st him because it's not what you would have picked? If he handles a home improvement project do you pick at how he's managing it because you would do it differently? If so, he's not going to be anxious to jump on things in the future and will feel , rightfully, that if you are so particular about it and will be unhappy otherwise you should just handle it yourself.

Regarding his career, nothing you can do about that. Not everyone values climbing the ladder.

DH and I have been together for 18 years, married for 13. I lean towards type A - driven, competitive, and (occasionally) high strung, while he is the ultimate type B, sometimes to his detriment.
This difference is partially what first drew me to him as his personality and temperament were so different than most of the men I was previously with. It was a welcome change and something that I still do love about him. When we were younger and childless, we used to balance each other perfectly.

Fast foward to the present - we're in our early 40s, kids, mortgage, normal life ups and downs, and I can't help but find myself getting increasingly frustrated with him and his lack of motivation. I've worked very hard to establish my career and earn more than twice what he does. He has been in the same mid-level job for the last 10 years and has no desire to advance or pursue other opportunities. On top of being the breadwinner, I am the 'default' parent and also take care of everything for the kids, house, home improvement projects, holidays, travel - you name it. He's a good dad and does help out with some basic chores, but the overall division of responsibilities is severely lopsided.

I talk with him regularly about this and am honest about the constants stress and pressure I am under, and while he gets it, nothing really changes in the end. Occasionally after I blow up at him things will turn around a bit for a few days or weeks, but then it's back to the usual status quo. I still love him but find myself steadily losing respect for him and feel like we are on a bad path. I've done everything I know to try and be supportive to him in our work and home lives - helped him through certifications and courses for work, worked together to come up with a more equitable division of household chores, etc. but nothing ever changes.

I'm tired of feeling overburdened and unhappy. He says he loves me more than ever and is committed to our marriage and family, but his actions just don't equate with his words/feelings. He is not depressed, unhappy or cheating and is pretty content with the way things are, except for my unhappiness. How can/do we move forward? I don't expect for him to change who he is, but things can't continue like they are for much longer.