OP here. I don't want to go into too much detail, but to clarify a couple issues might help with advice. I came into the marriage with a significant amount of savings and received a much greater inheritance. I sacrificed my stable job to raise the kids while working part time because my husbands work schedule made it so that he didn't really participate in the day to day parenting. Now that they are older, I work again and have slowly worked up to a point where I feel I could basically support myself and I have medical insurance which is a big issue for me. So, it isn't about taking his money, it is just about if it can be done in a simple way rather than these drawn out situations that I hear about.

Sure. But as usual, adults have no obligation to remain in a horrible marriage for the sake of the kids. It’s also usually sad and damaging to kids to have their mother or father or both be miserable. Parents owe their children love and care thoughtfulness. But they don’t have to stay married to someone they loathe.

College professor here. I've had a few students break down in class/after class in this situation. It's very sad. I am confident they all got through it, but in many cases it impacted them majorly and it was tremendously sad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were your husband I'd divorce you the second I learned of your plan. I divorced my wife when she told me she was going to do that, and saved myself about 10 years of pension.

If you waited until the kids were done with college and filed for divorce and stole my retirement, I'd go full-fledged scorched earth on you.

Men: pay attention. 30 years of being a good husband is worth nothing if she decides she is "unhappy". It's hard to start over when you are 55 or 60.

You are not making any sense. She is entitled to your pension.

It's not his pension. It's his and hers.

A good husband would know that.

Funny how the definition of good rests on what is best for the woman. If she has been working it shouldnt be his and hers, she could have planned for herself like an adult. Anyway she doesnt sound unreasonable to me.

Anonymous wrote:You are pulling the rug out from under that child and you're putting a tremendous amount of baggage on her, or she will be made to feel that way. Like it was her fault you stayed together all these years. Everything she thought she had was a lie. Why did you wait this long?

+1

Anonymous wrote:You are pulling the rug out from under that child and you're putting a tremendous amount of baggage on her, or she will be made to feel that way. Like it was her fault you stayed together all these years. Everything she thought she had was a lie. Why did you wait this long?

This entire scenario happens many more times than people think for a variety of reasons that might not be obvious - fear of change, lack of resources for the child, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were your husband I'd divorce you the second I learned of your plan. I divorced my wife when she told me she was going to do that, and saved myself about 10 years of pension.

If you waited until the kids were done with college and filed for divorce and stole my retirement, I'd go full-fledged scorched earth on you.

Men: pay attention. 30 years of being a good husband is worth nothing if she decides she is "unhappy". It's hard to start over when you are 55 or 60.

You are not making any sense. She is entitled to your pension.

It's not his pension. It's his and hers.

A good husband would know that.

You are pulling the rug out from under that child and you're putting a tremendous amount of baggage on her, or she will be made to feel that way. Like it was her fault you stayed together all these years. Everything she thought she had was a lie. Why did you wait this long?

I knew a girl whose parents told her they were getting divorced the summer after high school graduation. She had a nervous breakdown and switched from Cornell to community college so she could stay home with her mom. She felt like her whole life was changing with going off to college and needed home to stay the same, so to have that changing threw her off. She never got a four year degree.

When I needed to get divorced I did it right away without waiting. When our kids went off to college, they knew everything at home would stay the same, and they found solace in that.

Anonymous wrote:If I were your husband I'd divorce you the second I learned of your plan. I divorced my wife when she told me she was going to do that, and saved myself about 10 years of pension.

If you waited until the kids were done with college and filed for divorce and stole my retirement, I'd go full-fledged scorched earth on you.

Men: pay attention. 30 years of being a good husband is worth nothing if she decides she is "unhappy". It's hard to start over when you are 55 or 60.

You are not making any sense. She is entitled to your pension.

Yes. You can have an uncontested divorce in VA. Typically you and your spouse would first separate and negotiate a property settlement. You must separate for six months before divorcing (12 months if any kids are still minors). But if you have a separation and property settlement agreement, a judge will just incorporate it into the divorce decree. It is not too onerous. I would still recommend getting a lawyer, however, even if you think you and your spouse will mostly be able to agree: yu will need someone to make sure everything is in the proper form.

If I were your husband I'd divorce you the second I learned of your plan. I divorced my wife when she told me she was going to do that, and saved myself about 10 years of pension.

If you waited until the kids were done with college and filed for divorce and stole my retirement, I'd go full-fledged scorched earth on you.

Men: pay attention. 30 years of being a good husband is worth nothing if she decides she is "unhappy". It's hard to start over when you are 55 or 60.

Her adult children will have two homes to come home to. If it has been a very miserable situation, her adult children will not be shocked. It sucks, but eventually or maybe very quickly they will understand the marriage was not working.

It you think it will be a low conflict divorce, would working with a mediator simplify things and costs?

It’s so sad for the kid who had just left for college to not have a home to come home too. It’s nust unsettling.
Try to give it 6-10 more months after DC leaves to file ? Unless it’s really bad?

I am planning to stay married one last year until my youngest DC goes to college. I have been slowly building my exit strategy. I have enough income to provide for myself and get by and slowly save, however my husband has been the breadwinner so he has much more than I do. I will have my own medical insurance with my new job.

Is there such a thing as a simple divorce in Virginia? I plan to see a lawyer this year but just wondered what there is to argue about? Do we have to go to court? If we just find a fair way to split assets, deal with the house and equity is there anything else that we need to deal with now that the kids will be all over 18?

It has been a very miserable situation and it is definitely for the best for everyone.