Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have had DD more than 7 days in a row (we usually take 3 weeks in the summer) but its just local, 3 min away from her house. In the custody order we can't take DD out of town for more than a week. I don't think the 12 days would be a problem if we were going to say...Hilton Head...but the longer amount of time combined with out of country makes DD's mom hesitant. We all agree (dd's mom included) that Europe for 7 days isn't enough. We are all just trying to see what works and what she is comfortable with. I guess she's also a little concerned DD might start her period this summer (I guess her mom got it right after 11) and her being in Europe without her mom is worrisome to her. I think thats a little far fetched but it certainly scared DH and worked on him. I think "shadowing" the trip is the right decision here. I think there is a small change DD's mom might warm up to the idea and the shadow suggestion might help her see we are trying to make it work for everyone. I regret suggesting just taking the little kids. I apologized and all is well on that front.

Is she 9 or 11 - you are posting two different things. To not send a child because of her period is bizarre. They have all the supplies she needs and you will b there. She could get it anywhere from 9-14, so that's just an excuse. I would get a court order for more visitation and the trip.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No way should you not take all kids. Why not suggest ex shadow your trip. #1 She may decline but #2 if she goes how nice that her DD is not conflicted in HER memory of this trip that her mother was part of it too. If you can subsidize her ticket - please do. Suggest that you have all for the solid week and that she has her alone for the extra 5 days. She should feel free to extend their trip beyond your 12 days. Make this about the kids, the future and just getting along.

Why should Dad pay for Mom's trip? Mom probably gets weeks at a time depending on the custody agreement and Dad probably only gets limited time. He should not have to share his time with Mom. The trip being about the kids so the older child should be allowed to go with Dad. She's going with Dad, not a friend.

On this note DD's mom and my DH share a draw from a business they started together that manages without them but pays to them. They agreed to a 70/30 draw (her favor) and she gave up any alimony or child support. There has never been an issue or argument over money and I don't think the financial expense of her coming is an issue. I would be shocked if she brought up the money part. She just isn't one to go there and DH too.

OP here. We have had DD more than 7 days in a row (we usually take 3 weeks in the summer) but its just local, 3 min away from her house. In the custody order we can't take DD out of town for more than a week. I don't think the 12 days would be a problem if we were going to say...Hilton Head...but the longer amount of time combined with out of country makes DD's mom hesitant. We all agree (dd's mom included) that Europe for 7 days isn't enough. We are all just trying to see what works and what she is comfortable with. I guess she's also a little concerned DD might start her period this summer (I guess her mom got it right after 11) and her being in Europe without her mom is worrisome to her. I think thats a little far fetched but it certainly scared DH and worked on him. I think "shadowing" the trip is the right decision here. I think there is a small change DD's mom might warm up to the idea and the shadow suggestion might help her see we are trying to make it work for everyone. I regret suggesting just taking the little kids. I apologized and all is well on that front.

Omg, just plan another trip. The 3 and 4 year old won’t even remember anything. Plan Italy in a couple years. It isn’t going anywhere

Anonymous wrote:OP you screwed up. You should've asked her mom before booking anything, especially if legally you can only take her for 7 days. You have a good relationship with her, which doesn't often happen. Do you want to rock the boat?

Personally if step daughters mom didn't agree, and this was a "dream vacation" I would wait 9 years until step daughter was 18 and go then. Or leave all the kids at home and go with DH. No, it's horrible to just take 2 of the 3 kids. Even suggesting that is something you can now never take back. Your husband will remember how easy it was for you to just cast his daughter aside.

I would take her to the best of your ability but if you cannot get a court order or mom to approve, then you go without her and make it clear you wanted her to come but Mom said no. They aren't casting this child aside and Mom is causing a road block. If Mom has primary custody they should get a few weeks in the summer and use that time.

I think you sound like a great step mom for wanting to take stepDD on this trip.

I think you all need to call the ex and apologize for not talking to her before inviting step DD. I would not invite the ex on the trip though. If step DD isn't allowed to go, that's on her mom and you all should go without her. I didn't get to go on all family trips with my parents either and they weren't divorced. Sometimes I had to work, sometimes I was in college, you name it.

Anonymous wrote:No way should you not take all kids. Why not suggest ex shadow your trip. #1 She may decline but #2 if she goes how nice that her DD is not conflicted in HER memory of this trip that her mother was part of it too. If you can subsidize her ticket - please do. Suggest that you have all for the solid week and that she has her alone for the extra 5 days. She should feel free to extend their trip beyond your 12 days. Make this about the kids, the future and just getting along.

Why should Dad pay for Mom's trip? Mom probably gets weeks at a time depending on the custody agreement and Dad probably only gets limited time. He should not have to share his time with Mom. The trip being about the kids so the older child should be allowed to go with Dad. She's going with Dad, not a friend.

Do you get a few weeks in the summer? I get mom's concern but if she is traveling with daughter, Dad should get to too. I wouldn't leave the child at home as she'd be really upset. Worst case, you could get a court order approving the travel if Mom does not agree. I don't think you should have to bring Mom nor would I.

You take all the kids and welcome the ex on the trip.

Also, your DH was absolutely justified for being mad when you suggested taking only two kids. She is his daughter, you were ready to leave her out for your own selfish purposes. You screwed up. Badly. Make it right.

Anonymous wrote:No way should you not take all kids. Why not suggest ex shadow your trip. #1 She may decline but #2 if she goes how nice that her DD is not conflicted in HER memory of this trip that her mother was part of it too. If you can subsidize her ticket - please do. Suggest that you have all for the solid week and that she has her alone for the extra 5 days. She should feel free to extend their trip beyond your 12 days. Make this about the kids, the future and just getting along.

+1 if you all feel that you can get along for 2 weeks.

And I completely understand the other mom's point of view.

As a divorced mom I think 1) it's a reasonable request 2) DH really screwed by planning something outside of his custody agreement and telling the the child without talking to her mom first. I think he should just apologize and work on his ex and see if she will come around (could he offer her an extra holiday in exchange or something else that would be meaningful to her?

Why can't you do Italy for 7 days instead of 12? Alternatively, you can take the younger kids for the first 5 days and have DH and his DD join the family for the remaining 7.

No way should you not take all kids. Why not suggest ex shadow your trip. #1 She may decline but #2 if she goes how nice that her DD is not conflicted in HER memory of this trip that her mother was part of it too. If you can subsidize her ticket - please do. Suggest that you have all for the solid week and that she has her alone for the extra 5 days. She should feel free to extend their trip beyond your 12 days. Make this about the kids, the future and just getting along.

OP you screwed up. You should've asked her mom before booking anything, especially if legally you can only take her for 7 days. You have a good relationship with her, which doesn't often happen. Do you want to rock the boat?

Personally if step daughters mom didn't agree, and this was a "dream vacation" I would wait 9 years until step daughter was 18 and go then. Or leave all the kids at home and go with DH. No, it's horrible to just take 2 of the 3 kids. Even suggesting that is something you can now never take back. Your husband will remember how easy it was for you to just cast his daughter aside.

Dh and I want to take the kids to Italy this summer. This includes our 3 and 4 year old and my step daughter who is 9. We have a good relationship with dd and her mom and usually take dd on vacation with us every summer. Never more then 7 days in the past and never out of the country. This year we wanted to do Italy for 12 days. DH and I made the mistake of bringing it up to DD and her mom together. DD was THRILLED and shrieking and all of that. Her mom was nice but said "we will talk later." She later called DH and admitted to him she wasn't comfortable with her going that far and it being that long. She said the other vacations she was "never more then a 2 hour plane ride away" and it was never "more than a week." This just seemed too long and too far to her. Dh back petaled A LOT and apologized for telling and not asking and felt really bad. He said we either can't go or we have to welcome her on the trip. She can stay in her own hotel and just the general city of Rome and we all can meet up for dinner a few times or whatever. He said maybe she can bring her mom or something. I am really not liking that idea but I also don't want to cancel my dream vacation. I mentioned just taking our kids and he got very very mad. So that seems like a no go too. Any suggestions? I want to keep our relationship harmonious but also want to be able to plan nice trips with our kids. Legally we don't have the right to take DD more than a week at a time either so thats a dead end too.