Anonymous
03/19/2018 10:45
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
Like you said, don't argue the hypothetical future. You just need to say something like "huh, maybe, hard to imagine right now because they are still too young". Then change the subject.
What you do not want to do is put it in her head you've written off all future things like this, because if she's anything like my own MIL, she will then latch onto this as The Thing That Is Most Important and it's all she'll talk about. So I keep it vague. They are clearly too young right now, so it's not a huge issue. And when they get older my feelings may change a bit. We'll start slow. But again, she doesn't need to know that would be my plan.
What you do not want to do is put it in her head you've written off all future things like this, because if she's anything like my own MIL, she will then latch onto this as The Thing That Is Most Important and it's all she'll talk about. So I keep it vague. They are clearly too young right now, so it's not a huge issue. And when they get older my feelings may change a bit. We'll start slow. But again, she doesn't need to know that would be my plan.
Anonymous
03/19/2018 10:38
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
Keep it vague and change the subject. Repeat as needed.
Anonymous
03/19/2018 10:31
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
Anonymous wrote:Maybe next time she brings it up you could suggest the first intermediate step of her watching the kids overnight at your house while you and DH go away for the night. If she says yes, great. If she says no or seems reluctant, that will help you in future discussions about solo trips.
She may just be fantasizing to herself. You could just keep saying, “let’s see” and “maybe.” If you have to give a firm “no,” let your DH do it.
This. Or just take them for the day during a visit while you and DH run errands. See how that goes and if it's bad, you're done discussing it.
Anonymous
03/19/2018 06:15
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
Maybe next time she brings it up you could suggest the first intermediate step of her watching the kids overnight at your house while you and DH go away for the night. If she says yes, great. If she says no or seems reluctant, that will help you in future discussions about solo trips.
She may just be fantasizing to herself. You could just keep saying, “let’s see” and “maybe.” If you have to give a firm “no,” let your DH do it.
She may just be fantasizing to herself. You could just keep saying, “let’s see” and “maybe.” If you have to give a firm “no,” let your DH do it.
Anonymous
03/19/2018 06:03
Subject: Re:How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
It sounds like this wont potentially be happening for a few years, so I would tell her that you'll worry about it then.
If/when the time does come, there are plenty of options (put them on the plane to be met, fly one way each, etc.).
If/when the time does come, there are plenty of options (put them on the plane to be met, fly one way each, etc.).
Anonymous
03/19/2018 05:52
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
I wouldn't let my kids fly alone, even if they were older teenagers. You never know what can happen. Flight being delayed, canceled etc. Weirdos out there ...
It's a short flight, one parent can bring them, grandparent can bring them back ...
It's a short flight, one parent can bring them, grandparent can bring them back ...
Anonymous
03/19/2018 05:38
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
OP, you seriously think your kids will never be not afraid to sit in a different row from you on the plane? Bwahahaha
Anonymous
03/19/2018 04:26
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
The real issue is they aren't pushing for intense alone time right now. Doesn't sound like the kids will ever be eager for a week with someone who isn't currently showing herself to be fun.
The airplane? If you thought a week with grandma was worth it or good for your kids, that Airplane ride wouldn't matter. Maybe you would fly them out and then go off on your own vacation near them.
The airplane? If you thought a week with grandma was worth it or good for your kids, that Airplane ride wouldn't matter. Maybe you would fly them out and then go off on your own vacation near them.
Anonymous
03/19/2018 03:45
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
Anonymous wrote:This is a non-issue. "We're not ready for that now; we'll see in the future." Keep it vague.
This +1000.
Anonymous
03/19/2018 01:49
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
Grandparents are delusional. My mom keeps saying she wants to take my 3.5 yr old overnight - she lives 15 min away and sees him 1-2x a week and they are close. However my parents took him to an indoor play place for 90 minutes and then lunch at Wendy’s and they both napped on my couches while he played in his room for 2.5 hrs. They didn’t stay with him to make sure he laid down for nap and didn’t check on him. I have a camera in his room and checked on him and texted them.
I feel like if they took both kids for a day they would need a week to recover. And yet they also have fantasies of taking the kids for a weekend.
I feel like if they took both kids for a day they would need a week to recover. And yet they also have fantasies of taking the kids for a weekend.
Anonymous
03/19/2018 01:42
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
This is a non-issue. "We're not ready for that now; we'll see in the future." Keep it vague.
Anonymous
03/19/2018 01:32
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
I'd react the same way, but I'd drop it until it actually becomes an issue.
Anonymous
03/19/2018 01:26
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
You could also fly them one way and the grandparents fly them one way.
Anonymous
03/19/2018 01:25
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
Remember in a few years they may be ok with it. Now, no. We have friends kids who fly cross country alone to see us but they are teens.
Also, many of did that growing up. We were little and my parents put us on the plane and grandparents got us off but it was an hour flight and they each could walk on/off the plane to put us on/off and times were very different in flying. We loved it but again, we could go into the cockpit and all that. I doubt I'd put mine on a plane like that (my mom was extremely overprotective).
Also, many of did that growing up. We were little and my parents put us on the plane and grandparents got us off but it was an hour flight and they each could walk on/off the plane to put us on/off and times were very different in flying. We loved it but again, we could go into the cockpit and all that. I doubt I'd put mine on a plane like that (my mom was extremely overprotective).
Anonymous
03/19/2018 01:22
Subject: How do I manage MIL expectations of kids visiting her alone?
On a recent visit, MIL announced that she can't wait for grandkids to be old enough for DH and I to "put them on a plane to come see us for a week or two in the summer"
When I responded "by themselves?? That isn't going to happen..." (I know, it came out that abruptly too, but that was my immediate gut reaction), MIL looked as though I had just slapped her. So I sort of tried to justify my reaction by explaining that it's not that they wouldn't enjoy visiting, but they aren't even comfortable sitting in a different ROW from us when we are on the same plane, so I can't see them wanting to be on a 3-hour flight without us. (Kids are 10 and 7 btw.)
MIL looked surprised but replied, "well I didn't really mean now, but...maybe in a year or two."
The thing is, I didn't want to argue a hypothetical, but it seems absurd to me, as neither DH nor I flew alone on a plane until we were in late HS/college. More importantly, when MIL and FIL come to visit for about 8-10 days roughly 3 to 4 times a year, they never offer to babysit or take the kids anywhere without us. Not even out to dinner or to a movie for a few hours. If they ever do it at all it is because we have explicitly asked them to babysit and they act as though this is a huge favor they are doing rather than a delightful opportunity to spend with the grandkids. It doesn't make sense that they would suddenly want them to come stay for an entire week at a time without us.
I ended up saying, "well we'll see..."
But what do I do if she continues to revisit this as they get older? Do I offer to get on a plane with them and take them to her house and then disappear on my own for a week within driving distance? Or is that too helicopter-ish? I mean she did raise my DH so it's not that I think she is incapable of watching our kids. It's just that I'm not sure it would be comfortable for any of them. And this may sound terrible, but what if she is just doing it to keep the pace with her friends who take their grandkids (who live in the same town) on frequent vacations? This seems like an issue that could blow up if I don't figure out what to say next time it comes up. Or should I say nothing and let DH handle it?
When I responded "by themselves?? That isn't going to happen..." (I know, it came out that abruptly too, but that was my immediate gut reaction), MIL looked as though I had just slapped her. So I sort of tried to justify my reaction by explaining that it's not that they wouldn't enjoy visiting, but they aren't even comfortable sitting in a different ROW from us when we are on the same plane, so I can't see them wanting to be on a 3-hour flight without us. (Kids are 10 and 7 btw.)
MIL looked surprised but replied, "well I didn't really mean now, but...maybe in a year or two."
The thing is, I didn't want to argue a hypothetical, but it seems absurd to me, as neither DH nor I flew alone on a plane until we were in late HS/college. More importantly, when MIL and FIL come to visit for about 8-10 days roughly 3 to 4 times a year, they never offer to babysit or take the kids anywhere without us. Not even out to dinner or to a movie for a few hours. If they ever do it at all it is because we have explicitly asked them to babysit and they act as though this is a huge favor they are doing rather than a delightful opportunity to spend with the grandkids. It doesn't make sense that they would suddenly want them to come stay for an entire week at a time without us.
I ended up saying, "well we'll see..."
But what do I do if she continues to revisit this as they get older? Do I offer to get on a plane with them and take them to her house and then disappear on my own for a week within driving distance? Or is that too helicopter-ish? I mean she did raise my DH so it's not that I think she is incapable of watching our kids. It's just that I'm not sure it would be comfortable for any of them. And this may sound terrible, but what if she is just doing it to keep the pace with her friends who take their grandkids (who live in the same town) on frequent vacations? This seems like an issue that could blow up if I don't figure out what to say next time it comes up. Or should I say nothing and let DH handle it?