Our kids' school counselors have always urged students not to discuss college applications with one another. With our oldest -- who was a senior 10 years ago -- I thought that would only contribute to the stress and anxiety. I was wrong -- and discovered that the day decisions came out when several parents asked me at a sports event how my kid could possibly have gotten into X University when other students whom they considered more highly qualified were deferred or rejected. Since then, our policy with our two younger kids (youngest is a current senior) has been to help them learn how to respond to questions in an indirect and unrevealing way and how to change the topic gracefully, useful skills in many areas of life.

I think if you've discussed this with your child and she is in agreement that this is what she prefers, then go for it. Your child and family sanity is more important. Of course good advice is always necessary and beneficial. I think if you are actively and selectively seeking that out and working it as best as you can into the college application process and not being bombarded with too many unsolicited advice then the process will be less stressful. All the best for the future.

Anonymous wrote:Our college counselor told DD not to discuss with anyone that she is meeting with her. She said our school counselors feel a little threatened by paid counselors and they sometimes have different ideas about which kid is appropriate for which college. She also advised DD to be vague about where she is applying because the kids basically compete against each other at our fairly small private school.

We are working with a paid consultant as well. She was hoping she could work with the school counselor as a team, but after meeting him, my gut told me that this particular school counselor would not appreciate knowing we are paying someone else to do what he is supposed to do. I totally get that, which is why he won't know our little secret.

Our college counselor told DD not to discuss with anyone that she is meeting with her. She said our school counselors feel a little threatened by paid counselors and they sometimes have different ideas about which kid is appropriate for which college. She also advised DD to be vague about where she is applying because the kids basically compete against each other at our fairly small private school.

That would not have made the process better for us and probably would have offended the grand parents. You can get useful advice from lots of different places and ignore the rest. My kids are at public thought so maybe it is less stressful there.

Certainly discretion is important, but my kid learned some stuff from discussing with select friends and teachers. He got to think about things without the input coming from me. I want that!

He was warned not to say anything inadvertently hurtful now that the VT responses are out. None of the rejected want to hear about his OOS scholarship right now.

She will want to talk with friends about it. But you can absolutely brainstorm a few phrases she can trot out to Nosy Nellies.

"I'll tell you when I know where I'm going." is a good one.

My kid needs to talk it out and his friends are pretty laid back, so it was fine. In his crowd, not talking about it at all would have been as awkward as talking about it obsessively.

Discussion can help normalize a a topic. In my view, all the secrecy can heighten stress and anxiety. Whatever works for your kid.

When I apply to colleges it was all I could think about morning noon and night until it was a done deal. literally I would wake up and it was the first thought in my head.

I don't think I talked about it constantly though, just thought about it.

Anonymous wrote:Everyone's different. I relieve anxiety by talking about whatever is making me anxious incessantly. For other people, that would probably just increase the anxiety. My kids are nowhere near college application age, but I'll probably just ask them what they would prefer and then try to be supportive.

+1 DC's school asked students not to discuss but for some it added to the stress not to be free to discuss with their best friends and supporters. They need to be able to feel free to discuss or not and to whom based on their own needs. A sweeping generalization doesn't help.

Actually, I welcome your kids to engage my junior DS in discussion about college apps. These discussions will help him explore different schools and understand the urgency of these explorations. Up until now, he has been pretty lax.

Everyone's different. I relieve anxiety by talking about whatever is making me anxious incessantly. For other people, that would probably just increase the anxiety. My kids are nowhere near college application age, but I'll probably just ask them what they would prefer and then try to be supportive.

I think it is helpful to minimize conversation within your immediate family. And try to encourage extended family to shift conversations elsewhere.

but I don't know how on earth you think you can tell your 16-year-old what she can or cannot discuss with her friends.

My junior son is a bit obsessed with the process; we have a standing "meeting" to talk about college stuff once a week. We use a google doc to park ideas/notes for what we want to discuss during out meeting. It sounds weird, but it works for us.

In order to preserve our sanity, I talked to my child about not discussing applications with any friends or family. She’s a junior now at a local private (not big 3). I thought it might take pressure off her if she just shut down all discussion until she makes a final decision.