It started in k just a couple things and has increased every year (my DD is in third). Honestly They all do it to some extent or go along with it but they do figure it out. My daughter gets extremely frustrated with friends who are very possessive (e.g. can’t play with me if you play with Larla) and I don’t think has ever done much of that herself but she probably would not tell me if she did! I think she’s done a good job just taking space from girls who were being controlling or unkind and has also give second chances and that’s really worked out - a girl she had a hard time with in first is now one of her closest friends.

I did get the American girls books and my daughter liked them. I think it normalized to her that this happens a lot and isn’t a judgment on her or her friends. There is a metaphor in one book that friendship can be like a dance and sometimes you might feel very close to one person and then later you might not feel so close but that’s ok. That has really helped her not feel like issues are going to be the end of all her friendships. But honestly if your daughter isn’t bothered, you might just want to wait and see.

We're in public school and for us, "mean girl" behavior started in 4th grade, but there are more children and I can 100% see how this would be intensified and started earlier in a small private all girls school.

It’s normal. I don’t really like calling 2nd graders mean girls, because I think it’s really rare that a second grader is actually a mean girl (as a 7th or 8tb grader would be) - it’s more that 2nd graders are pretty clueless about friendship & social skills. They are all struggling, trying things on, saying dumb stuff. ..not a lot of it is calculated exclusionary mean girl bullying like in middle school. It’s more kids struggling to figure out social norms & acceptable behavior.

So yes, tell your DD to take a break from anyone being mean. If they seem kinder the next week, then go for it, play with them again.

Yes I do share it. I address it in parent teacher conferences. Or call them if necessary. I’m in the same situation. Same age, two girls. They are best friends but it’s up and down. Love and drama. I talk to them, read social emotional learning books. Refer to our contract. Now they are to take a break. But they don’t want that as well. We’re in the same boat here.

Teachers, if you see mean girl behavior, do you share your observations with their parents? As a parent, I’d want to know...

DH and I read "Curse of the Good Girl" which discusses their research of girls' socialization, one upping, later problems with genuine expression & negotiation, etc. and found it really illuminating and helpful.

I have to wonder if there is something in women's genetics that makes them so incredibly nasty and petty to each other. I have 2 boys and 2 girls and the difference is staggering. Never went through crap like this with my boys and it seems that girls come out of the womb stabbing each other in their backs.

American Girl has some great books on friendship too if you want to provide DD with some additional material. About what makes a good friend and how it's important to have many friendship circles (different groups of friends).

It's worth noting that relational aggression (excluding, whispering, manipulating) exist in both boys and girls it's not just girl drama.


I think you are doing a lot of great stuff with your daughter especially in teaching her that bullying is something that kids do it's not an identity (Ie it's a poor choice not a reflection of poor character).

I also work with second graders and I tell them that they don't have to be everyone's friend but they do have to be respectful to each other. I also tell tell students if they're whispering if it's something they can't tell everyone it's probably something you shouldn't say.

Anonymous wrote:DD is 8 and in 2nd grade. I was surprised by how early the petty meanness seems to be starting, as I don't remember this until 6-7th grade from my childhood. Nothing that is bullying behavior, but little snarks and friendship, power-control drama. A few examples: "You can't be friends with her if you want to be my friend..." "I am the queen witch and I say that Betty, Sue and Jean can have special powers but Jane can't." "You can't be in our group because you're not blonde." and "You have to play with me! If you don't play with me, I'm going to tell the teacher you pushed me and you'll get in trouble."

DD goes to a private and there are only about 25 girls in her grade. About half of them seem to struggle with their social skills in ways that manifest in these sorts of statements. Only 2 of these girls seem to really have the mean-girl personality and seem like they may be a longer-term challenge (I'm a volunteer coach at the school, so I know most of the girls reasonably well). DD hasn't seemed too bothered by this so far. She actually seems to have a healthy degree of skepticism about these sorts of things and doesn't seem to take them personally, but she experienced a lot of them in the last week and its starting to get her down.

Is this sort of behavior pretty normal now? What are some of the things you say to your DD about these sorts of behaviors?

So far, I talk about the value of kindness and what makes someone a good friend and how it's OK to walk away and find someone else to play with until Larla is ready to be kind again. Looking for any other useful insights.

Sounds like your DD is doing great with it so far. She's skeptical enough to think independently and seems to be emotionally resilient and independent, too. Fantastic!

If she stays on this track, my advice is to keep doing what you're doing. No need to give additional advice or guidance on how to navigate the situation. Keep validating her observations.

Personally, I love your language about finding someone else to play with "until Larla is ready to be kind again." What you're doing there is framing it as a temporary situation (Larla's poor choice) rather than a chronic situation (Larla's poor character). To me, this teaches your daughter to trust her instincts and respect herself by walking away, while at the same time leaving the door open in case her friend chooses (or is taught) to be more consistently kind. I've seen far too many moms jump immediately from identifying "mean girl" BEHAVIOR to permanently writing off an 8 year old as an irredeemable "mean girl". Your approach is far better, IMHO.

Finally, I'm sorry this is all starting to get your daughter down, and yet I totally understand and relate. I get worn down and unhappy when I'm around people who aren't being kind, too. Just be sure to validate her feelings ("Yeah, it can feel bad to be around people who are acting like that. Sounds like a pretty negative environment at school right now.") and do whatever you can to help her expand her social circles beyond just her small private school class. (Other kids at activities . . . sports . . . religious community . . . old friends at other schools she hasn't seen in awhile . . . . ) This will serve her well in the many years to come, too!

Ha we already started these talks in preschool after the "if you don't do X you're not my friend" and "I'm not your friend if you play with X". Kids can be very mean.

OP, this was common behavior in second grade (or at least, my second grade) when I was in second grade in the early 1970s.

Yes, talk about being a good friend -- including that a good friend is somebody you can count on. People who blow hot and cold are not people you can count on.

I agree it does seem to be younger and younger this trait in girls seems to be occurring---which I suppose coincides with the way the trend is leaning in this generation. Good for you for recognizing it for what it is and following your daughter's lead if she is not really bothered by it. Perhaps it won't be a problem for her....she can just overlook it and not be affected by it?? That would be wonderful...and hopefully, prayerfully, the girls that lean toward that dominant behaviour will grow out of it or even better, be influenced by the girls who don't engage in that trend. I think it sounds like the emphasis on kindness in your circle of influence, and encouraging that in your daughter and her circle of influence (as exhausting as it may be) is the best thing....good job momma!

We talked a lot about what a good friend looks like and how a good friend won't exclude or treat people differently to their face vs behind their back. And how you don't have to be friends with everyone but you do have to be kind to everyone. Teach your daughter she deserves good friends.

And in the case of my DD's who went to a small private school, it was extremely helpful to diversify their friendships - lots of activities and friendships outside of school. Girls can be really crappy to each other and it's nice to have another venue for friendships outside of school drama.

DD is 8 and in 2nd grade. I was surprised by how early the petty meanness seems to be starting, as I don't remember this until 6-7th grade from my childhood. Nothing that is bullying behavior, but little snarks and friendship, power-control drama. A few examples: "You can't be friends with her if you want to be my friend..." "I am the queen witch and I say that Betty, Sue and Jean can have special powers but Jane can't." "You can't be in our group because you're not blonde." and "You have to play with me! If you don't play with me, I'm going to tell the teacher you pushed me and you'll get in trouble."

DD goes to a private and there are only about 25 girls in her grade. About half of them seem to struggle with their social skills in ways that manifest in these sorts of statements. Only 2 of these girls seem to really have the mean-girl personality and seem like they may be a longer-term challenge (I'm a volunteer coach at the school, so I know most of the girls reasonably well). DD hasn't seemed too bothered by this so far. She actually seems to have a healthy degree of skepticism about these sorts of things and doesn't seem to take them personally, but she experienced a lot of them in the last week and its starting to get her down.

Is this sort of behavior pretty normal now? What are some of the things you say to your DD about these sorts of behaviors?

So far, I talk about the value of kindness and what makes someone a good friend and how it's OK to walk away and find someone else to play with until Larla is ready to be kind again. Looking for any other useful insights.