I have decided I don’t want to live the way I am. I don’t want to be at my parents house or have my family think I’m a lesbian ( I’m very straight). I want to be love a life full of happiness. I’ve decided to become an RN because I love helping people. After paying off very high medical bills, I have saved to move out. I am also losing weight. The thing is I almost feel it doesn’t matter. I feel because of all my baggage, I will never find a guy that will ever want me. I don’t have anything to give, and men like women who are good in bed, educated, attractive, etc., which I am none of those things. I can’t help but feel like a loser and failure at life, and like I am just not good enough for anyone. I have a lot of social anxiety and I care way too much what people think of me. I want a boyfriend, marriage, children, etc. I am so lonely and just want someone to love me, but I just wonder if I am destined for this pathetic existence of life.

OP I think you need therapy and independent living. You are doing all these things for yourself now--losing the weight, getting your degree and charting your own course. Your mind is still stuck in the past, however and you truly need to learn to love and nurture yourself since you don't see how much you have to offer. You need to invest some time into your mental health, your physical well being, building networks of friendship, and your career. When you are 30/31 you will be at the right age to meet someone else who is serious. In the meantime, learn to love and value yourself so that when you feel ready to date (and why not now?) you will be able to understand the kind of person you deserve and evaluate accordingly. You will also have years of experience understanding what it is like to feel things deeply, to be sensitive and empathetic. Hopefully you will find a partner who shares values and understands that the work you put into changing and growing is a sign of your maturity and inner strength, which makes you a good partner.

finally, plenty of us did not get our act together until later--I had few serious relationships until I was 30, was just finishing grad school and had jobs/fellowships that kept me just a hair from perilous poverty and I didn't feel good about myself (I was skinny, but had disordered sense of self worth). I did therapy in my early 30s, built a circle of friends, and focused on becoming the person I wanted to be--not some fashion model with a seemingly perfect life, but someone happy, confident not afraid to try new things, etc. I met DH right after I turned 36, and still got the kids, marriage, etc. Its okay. You have time. You are using it well to make some outer changes, now make those inner ones.

I have a friend who is 42 and just got engaged to a man she met a couple years ago. Previous to that she had one boyfriend at 25. Still a virgin at 40. Anyone can learn to be good in bed! Don't worry.

Therapy, stat.

We are our worst enemy.....when we think less of ourselves, we will project that also. I'm glad you'll look into therapy/counseling, and if you get into counseling before you start school, you'll have a strong support system to help you along the way, give you a healthy emotional path, by allowing you to deal with the things of the past, so moving forward you won't bring the baggage of yesteryear's with you. In the meantime, maybe in this link can help https://list.ly/~Ncq6y - Best wishes

Life is long. Start lifting -- not to look good but to feel good. I mean, exercise of any kind is good, but just from your description, I have a hunch that feeling physically strong is going to do a lot for your mental health. But also, incidentally, strength is sexy.

College is fine. If you want a new vocation, you'll probably need some of that. But, actually learning more is no further than your local library. Read.

And, if you want a confidence boost, check out something like Reddit's gonewildcurvy. I don't know what you look like, but at 5'1", 140#, I dare say you'll find quickly that guys are lusting after women who are much heavier than you.

First of all, remember the advice you get here is worth what you may.

I am male. I never had a real relationship until I was nearing 30. I did have a few short relationships/one night stands before that.

If is really hard to put a good face forward when you don't like yourself. And just from the way you describe yourself, I can tell that you do not like yourself.

I went through that myself. What helped me was 1) therapy, and 2) realizing I have good qualities. When, when I was ready to date (early thirties), approached it in a manner to make my good qualities stand out.

I am "fluffy", not really obese, but have never been thin. I knew I would not meet someone based on my looks -- they were not bad, and I am appropriately proportioned, but there are no six pack abs. What I had going for me was intelligence and humor. And since that is what I cared about, I met someone who appreciated those attributes and we reciprocated. Unfortunately, it did not work out.

So, I went out with the opposite of her. That did not work out well either. Then I met a woman that things just clicked. We have been married for 20 years.

Confidence starts with faking it til you make it. I believe when you look good, you'll feel good and feel confident.

Buy clothes, shoes and purses you like that make you feel you look good. Go to the salon and get a flattering cut and style. Get a manicure and pedicure. Start wearing mascara, face powder and a nice neutral lipgloss. Find a subtle perfume you really like. How you look and smell affect how you feel about yourself.

Take a walk outside everyday, and go out for coffee or a Neal at least once every week with a friend, colleague or family member you trust and like.

Then, start working on the inside too. Talk with a therapist who uses CBT to get to the root of your issues and develop solutions.

In a year from now,you'll be a whole different woman, I promise.

Op here. Thank you for all of the wonderful replies! I think therapy sounds like a good idea. I think me moving out and enrolling in school sounds like an even better idea. I am looking into maybe finding roommates and that can help form a social circle. I am starting to take workout classes and hope that will maybe help me meet new people.

I think I’m ugly because of the self-esteem issues, but I don’t think I am hideous. When I was 15-22 ( before I became a hermit and gained weight) I used to get hit on a fair amount. I’ve done other things sexually but never intercourses. I always wanted to save that for someone I really loved, but that just hasn’t happened. I’ve always been an introvert and struggled with body issues, but me becoming sick and gaining weight destroyed everything. I gained 80lbs which is a lot for someone with a 5’1 frame. I’ve lost most of it but still have about 20lbs until I get to an ideal weight around 120. I am starting to slowly regain self-esteem but still a lingering thought is a guy won’t want a woman just starting a career now. He also probably doesn’t want an ex fat girl wirh stretchmarks.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I am completely unlovable and destined to be alone. I know it’s mostly by my own doing. I am about to turn 29 and I have nothing. I’ve only had one boyfriend ( still a virgin) in my life that was back in high school and brief. I am a huge introvert and due to sexual abuse and severe body issues, I’ve never had much of a social life. At 22, I got sick and gained a lot of weight ( I was always thin until then) which left me with stretch marks and further impacted my low self-esteem. I have always struggled with feeling like I’m not attractive enough or good enough. I have never had a real boyfriend and don’t have any friends anymore because the issues and becoming a hermit had a negative impact on my friendships. I work as a nanny, which is a very isolating job, and although I wanted to go school, i’ve never had the money and felt too ashamed that I was far behind my peers. I still live with my parents, which is one of the factors for my low self-esteem. I had an upbringing filled with emotional, sexual, and physical abuse.


I have decided I don’t want to live the way I am. I don’t want to be at my parents house or have my family think I’m a lesbian ( I’m very straight). I want to be love a life full of happiness. I’ve decided to become an RN because I love helping people. After paying off very high medical bills, I have saved to move out. I am also losing weight. The thing is I almost feel it doesn’t matter. I feel because of all my baggage, I will never find a guy that will ever want me. I don’t have anything to give, and men like women who are good in bed, educated, attractive, etc., which I am none of those things. I can’t help but feel like a loser and failure at life, and like I am just not good enough for anyone. I have a lot of social anxiety and I care way too much what people think of me. I want a boyfriend, marriage, children, etc. I am so lonely and just want someone to love me, but I just wonder if I am destined for this pathetic existence of life.

As an attractive, educated woman, believe me, those things won't make you happy or land you a man.

Also, a boyfriend/husband/family won't make you happy, either.

I spent my whole life making myself as attractive as possible and chasing after men, thinking it would make me happy. After I got what I wanted, I was still miserable and longed for the days I was single and childless.

I finally figured out I can chose to be happy and build a positive life. I also faked happiness until I felt it.

Be you and don't worry about what people think. I spent my life trying to be what everybody else wanted. Nobody liked me. I decided to just be myself, and "myself" is a complete and total weirdo. Some people hate it (including my own husband, ha). Most people like it and I have more friends now. Happiness is infectious, and if you are a light in this world, people will be drawn to you.

I agree that you are beautiful to someone. That is so true. You have to find your person. There is someone for everyone, I truly believe this. Start in therapy (try your local mental health center if money is a problem). Every day, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you're beautiful. Build your self-esteem. Read about how to up your confidence. Confidence is sexy. Don't worry about stretch marks. Every woman who's had kids have them, and the majority of us have lots of satisfying sex. Men don't care, if they're good men. Walk with your back straight, with your head held high, with an air of confidence about you. Practice loving yourself. Be you. You have a personality inside that needs to be set free. You may have many wonderful things to give to this world, if you will let yourself. Get past your past. I did. Music therapy was a big help for me. I believe you can do this! Let us know how things are going. Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:Even gorgeous people can feel unlovable. And more people than you think are sexual late bloomers who have went on to have fulfilling situations. If you cannot afford therapy, many universities offer discounted services. Please make the call Monday and take the first step. You are beautiful to someone.

Not OP, but this gave me the feels. (( ))

Even gorgeous people can feel unlovable. And more people than you think are sexual late bloomers who have went on to have fulfilling situations. If you cannot afford therapy, many universities offer discounted services. Please make the call Monday and take the first step. You are beautiful to someone.

Step one, make a plan to get out of the unsupportive living arrangement you are in. If you are living rent-free, take advantage to squirrel away money to support you while in school. (Do you still live with your abuser?! If so, you need to accelerate that plan!)

Step two, immediately start practicing self care. This doesn't have to cost money. Hot baths. Orgasms. (Self-love!) Long walks listening to music or podcasts. If you can, find a therapist who can take you on a sliding scale basis. You need to build your support network, and a good therapist is the place to start. Don't be afraid to fire 2 or 3, there has to be a good fit.

Step three, move out (with housemates if necessary) enroll in your RN program and be financially emotionally independent from your parents. Start living this way and the self esteem will follow. Smile at your classmates. Watch funny movies with your roommates. Friendships will come and so will romantic relationships once you radiate seld-assuredness and genuine liking of who you are.

You can do this OP!

Counseling.

I feel like I am completely unlovable and destined to be alone. I know it’s mostly by my own doing. I am about to turn 29 and I have nothing. I’ve only had one boyfriend ( still a virgin) in my life that was back in high school and brief. I am a huge introvert and due to sexual abuse and severe body issues, I’ve never had much of a social life. At 22, I got sick and gained a lot of weight ( I was always thin until then) which left me with stretch marks and further impacted my low self-esteem. I have always struggled with feeling like I’m not attractive enough or good enough. I have never had a real boyfriend and don’t have any friends anymore because the issues and becoming a hermit had a negative impact on my friendships. I work as a nanny, which is a very isolating job, and although I wanted to go school, i’ve never had the money and felt too ashamed that I was far behind my peers. I still live with my parents, which is one of the factors for my low self-esteem. I had an upbringing filled with emotional, sexual, and physical abuse.


I have decided I don’t want to live the way I am. I don’t want to be at my parents house or have my family think I’m a lesbian ( I’m very straight). I want to be love a life full of happiness. I’ve decided to become an RN because I love helping people. After paying off very high medical bills, I have saved to move out. I am also losing weight. The thing is I almost feel it doesn’t matter. I feel because of all my baggage, I will never find a guy that will ever want me. I don’t have anything to give, and men like women who are good in bed, educated, attractive, etc., which I am none of those things. I can’t help but feel like a loser and failure at life, and like I am just not good enough for anyone. I have a lot of social anxiety and I care way too much what people think of me. I want a boyfriend, marriage, children, etc. I am so lonely and just want someone to love me, but I just wonder if I am destined for this pathetic existence of life.