Remember that first and foremost that they love your spouse, and that you do, too! Secondly, know that usually spousal relationships are better when each spouse at least tries to go along to get along with the in-laws, and this may mean overlooking some serious flaws of theirs (as you may hope that they overlook some serious flaws of yours). Third, know that they love your children, and you do, too! Fourth, remember that they won't be here forever so make the best of what time you have with them. And, finally, know that you cannot control other people, you can only control your reaction to them.

Problem was and is that they are terrible communicators and that they don't listen to us. About anything.

Made peace with it (mostly) by a) having my husband be in charge of communicating with them as much as possible b) write things down for them rather than expecting them to remember things we say (especially when it comes to planning trips and when they take care of our kids), c) I only do this in my own mind of course but I've found it helps me to pretend that they have hearing issues so I try to look at it from an empathetic perspective of oh, that must be hard for them that they can't hear what we say so I'll say it again, loudly, patiently, directly, kindly, as I would if they truly did have hearing issues rather than the truth (that they have a mental block against listening or communicating effectively with us)

Anonymous wrote:Give it time.

Care less // lower expectations for the kind of relationship you will have. Aim for cordial, beyond that is bonus.

DH is in charge of communication, scheduling, and gifts with his parents and siblings.

Agree with all of this.

Be polite, be patient, be kind, and give the benefit of the doubt and see good intentions as much as possible.

Let things go when you can. That way, when you need to set a real boundary, you haven't set yourself up to fail by previously harping on every little thing. My ILs can be a little intrusive; I go with the flow as much as possible, but when I set a boundary, I look them straight in the eye and say it directly to them, and that's it--the line has been drawn, and they know I mean it, and because I don't get my feathers ruffled often, they respect it.

And yes, the vast majority of communication, scheduling/logistics and gifts for his side are dealt with by him.

For a while my MIL tried to foster a really close relationship where I'd confide in her and then get hurt when she used that stuff against me later. For instance, she'd ask how breastfeeding was going, I'd cry on her shoulder, she'd be so kind...and then later in front of a crowd she'd say something about how she felt sorry for women who couldn't breastfeed because they never bonded appropriately with their children. Now i don't tell her anything about myself ever. Gray rock. Things are always awesome, thanks! How bout them Nats?

That everything can be sorted out if you're dealing with rational people.

That nothing you do will ever be enough if you're dealing with crazy people.

The trick is knowing which ones are which, so you know whether to invest effort in to the relationship or not.

In my case, my ILs were rational, and my mother is crazy.
My MIL is now failing, and I will be devastated when she passes. She lived an extremely courageous life - she managed to escape from her war-torn country with two little ones, and pregnant with the third, and rebuild her life from scratch, not helped by a bipolar husband. She has my love and respect.

I focus on being Cheerful and Oblivious.

Mostly, I left all the planning to my husband for seeing my MIL. I make holiday plans only and left all other time spent together up to him so it never happened. She lives 45 mins away and spends the length of a meal with us 4 times per year. She would like it if we moved in together.

Anonymous wrote:They mean well. I come from a WASP background. We don't hug. We don't sit on laps. We don't get excited. Everything is "lovely." His parents are physically affectionate. They get excited. They are direct when they're upset. They squeeze your shoulder in love when they go past you in the kitchen.

DH was so proud of me when he was able to say "Hey! You didn't look like a deer caught in headlights when my dad hugged you this time!" I think he asked them to tone things down with me too, so we met somewhere in the middle.

NP here, I read this and thought, "that's lovely!" LOL. I'm a WASP too, but I guess I didn't need to tell you that.

They mean well. I come from a WASP background. We don't hug. We don't sit on laps. We don't get excited. Everything is "lovely." His parents are physically affectionate. They get excited. They are direct when they're upset. They squeeze your shoulder in love when they go past you in the kitchen.

DH was so proud of me when he was able to say "Hey! You didn't look like a deer caught in headlights when my dad hugged you this time!" I think he asked them to tone things down with me too, so we met somewhere in the middle.

I live 9600 miles away. It got easier after my FIL died.

Give it time.

Care less // lower expectations for the kind of relationship you will have. Aim for cordial, beyond that is bonus.

DH is in charge of communication, scheduling, and gifts with his parents and siblings.

My problem is with inlaws who are not from this country. We clash on almost everything. I took time to learn about their culture and develop a better understanding of their values.

And I don't accept their strife. So many things upset me, and likewise, but those are not reasons why we should have a strained family relationship. Perseverance and acceptance that you don't have to be viewed as right/good/nice whatever. Just go with the flow.

One day they will die. My fear was that DH will resent me when the day comes, so I really think about my actions and responses to them. It's not ideal but it's better than animosity. And who knows, maybe one day things will change and we'll genuinely enjoy each other. Or maybe not.

Just grin and bear.

I am grateful for their generosity, and the fact they aren't crazy. I definitely know people who have it worse.

I try to have DH do as much communication, gift buying, etc as possible.

And I pre-eat before we visit, because their food habits bother me.

Whatever your problem was, how did you make peace with it and embrace them to the extent possible