Anonymous
Post 01/22/2018 16:16     Subject: DH invited his stepmother to be our "au pair"
Anonymous wrote:How much would this bother you? Without my knowledge my DH invited his stepmother to move in and be our "au pair." I don't think she'd take him up on it, but still ... It bugs me in large part because DH already leaves me to be the default parent, and now it seems like he just wants ANOTHER female in the house to do his work for him. Not to mention the fact that I am the one who has to do all the hosting work when she visits, so it's not like it's actually less work for me. (I mean, she's helpful, but I have to do all the planning, shopping, scheduling etc etc.) DH also disappears for long stretches of time when she visits and expects me to entertain her.



No no no.

No grandparents pretending to be au pairs and live in YOUR house.

No paying grandparents in food or money or housing to live in your house and pretent to be you au pair.

No au pair of any sort in order to ENABLE your husband to check-out of his fathering and husbanding duties.

No dumping everything on you all the time and not communicating big decisions like this.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2018 16:12     Subject: Re:DH invited his stepmother to be our "au pair"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A different POV: my DH can do things like this, and he does it trying to help me out. It's not in the end, his ideas are always impractical, but he sees me working my butt off with a FT job, long commute, two kids who are very involved in their sports. I'll complain when he sits down and watches two straight hours of his TV shows, "gee I would like to watch some TV too". So he tries to solve it. Of course not by him picking up the slack, but he does think he's "helping".


Ha, thanks for this. I think this is actually very similar to my DH. Sometimes I need a reminder that he just doesn't think in a normal way and that dots get connected in ways that appear bizarre to an outside observer. I'm sure he thought it was a wonderful family idea, giving his stepmother (who likes to travel and lives on a limited income) a change of scenery and a chance to spend more time with her grandchild.


Are your husbands competent adults in the rest of their lives? For instance, at work would they offer a huge contract to an outside consultant without getting internal approval first? If so, this is not a matter of cute differences in thought process, it’s a total lack of respect for your role as a coequal adult in your household.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2018 16:06     Subject: Re:DH invited his stepmother to be our "au pair"
Anonymous wrote:A different POV: my DH can do things like this, and he does it trying to help me out. It's not in the end, his ideas are always impractical, but he sees me working my butt off with a FT job, long commute, two kids who are very involved in their sports. I'll complain when he sits down and watches two straight hours of his TV shows, "gee I would like to watch some TV too". So he tries to solve it. Of course not by him picking up the slack, but he does think he's "helping".


Ha, thanks for this. I think this is actually very similar to my DH. Sometimes I need a reminder that he just doesn't think in a normal way and that dots get connected in ways that appear bizarre to an outside observer. I'm sure he thought it was a wonderful family idea, giving his stepmother (who likes to travel and lives on a limited income) a change of scenery and a chance to spend more time with her grandchild.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2018 14:47     Subject: Re:DH invited his stepmother to be our "au pair"
A different POV: my DH can do things like this, and he does it trying to help me out. It's not in the end, his ideas are always impractical, but he sees me working my butt off with a FT job, long commute, two kids who are very involved in their sports. I'll complain when he sits down and watches two straight hours of his TV shows, "gee I would like to watch some TV too". So he tries to solve it. Of course not by him picking up the slack, but he does think he's "helping".
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2018 14:40     Subject: DH invited his stepmother to be our "au pair"
Uh. This would bother me A LOT.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2018 14:37     Subject: DH invited his stepmother to be our "au pair"
Good Lord.

Tell him that idea is ridiculous, and start implementing plans that require his presence for her next visit--and make them shorter! Let it be his job to host, or at least be present, while *you* go do something for yourself.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2018 14:35     Subject: DH invited his stepmother to be our "au pair"
Was it a joke, OP? Since you said she won't take him up on it I'm kind of leaning toward dumb joke on his part, which I wouldn't make an issue out of.

If he was genuinely trying to get another person to live in your house without your input/approval -- that's crazy.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2018 14:35     Subject: Re:DH invited his stepmother to be our "au pair"
Like, you didn’t even talk about it and it was his idea? Or like she suggested it and he made hmmming noises and now there’s an accidental mess?
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2018 14:34     Subject: DH invited his stepmother to be our "au pair"
Anonymous wrote:He sounds kinda nutty. Who invites someone to live with them, before checking with their spouse?!


+1 You have a DH communication problem. Nothing to do with the step-mother.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2018 14:33     Subject: DH invited his stepmother to be our "au pair"
Au Pairs have to be under the age of 26. So his plan fails before it even starts.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2018 13:50     Subject: DH invited his stepmother to be our "au pair"
Hahahaha yeah, that won’t be happening. Even if she tries to take him up on it, tell her there was a miscommunication.

I’d be furious.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2018 13:50     Subject: DH invited his stepmother to be our "au pair"
Anonymous wrote:How much would this bother you? Without my knowledge my DH invited his stepmother to move in and be our "au pair." I don't think she'd take him up on it, but still ... It bugs me in large part because DH already leaves me to be the default parent, and now it seems like he just wants ANOTHER female in the house to do his work for him. Not to mention the fact that I am the one who has to do all the hosting work when she visits, so it's not like it's actually less work for me. (I mean, she's helpful, but I have to do all the planning, shopping, scheduling etc etc.) DH also disappears for long stretches of time when she visits and expects me to entertain her.



What does he imagine that she will be doing as your au pair? What does he think an au pair does?
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2018 13:49     Subject: DH invited his stepmother to be our "au pair"
He sounds kinda nutty. Who invites someone to live with them, before checking with their spouse?!
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2018 13:47     Subject: DH invited his stepmother to be our "au pair"
Oh F no. That is absolutely ridiculous. One member of a couple does not invite someone to live with them, or make huge decisions about child care, without consulting the other You need to have a serious chat with your fool husband.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2018 13:45     Subject: DH invited his stepmother to be our "au pair"
How much would this bother you? Without my knowledge my DH invited his stepmother to move in and be our "au pair." I don't think she'd take him up on it, but still ... It bugs me in large part because DH already leaves me to be the default parent, and now it seems like he just wants ANOTHER female in the house to do his work for him. Not to mention the fact that I am the one who has to do all the hosting work when she visits, so it's not like it's actually less work for me. (I mean, she's helpful, but I have to do all the planning, shopping, scheduling etc etc.) DH also disappears for long stretches of time when she visits and expects me to entertain her.