You could ask her what would help if an episode seems to be brewing. You don't want her to think you are pulling away, but if she agrees that she needs space, then let her know you're okay with that, but you're not trying to shut her out. Depressed kids might see it that you don't care. Also, swift and clear sanctions for bullying, because that is never okay and you have to stick up for the other kids. Try to watch and listen more than talk. Check in with the school. This sounds like depression to me.

No advice but yes sometimes we tend to punish thinking its going to work when what is needed is space of some sort.

Have you asked her what is on her mind? If she could just tell everyone exactly what is going on with her what would she say? Does she want a counselor to vent to? Offer her some options for releasing this maybe?

Remember to do your own thing and with your spouse. Go for walks. Cook. Take a step back, and like pp said, give her space. The more you go to them, the less they will come to you. Talk about other things besides school at the table, current events, entertainment, books, anything that takes the focus off of them and doesn't make them feel like their under a microscope. Home is their safe haven right now and you want to keep it that way.

OP- Thank you. Space is good advice and I will try that.

My oldest two hit that point in 9th grade. Between the pressures of school, the hormones, the fear of the future, it’s a tough time. Rather than punish or reward, I gave them lots of space. When they became rude, I invited them to go away from the rest of us. I also tried to plan things we would all enjoy as often as possible. I remember seeing a lot of movies during those periods - I find movies stupidly expensive so we go like every couple of years. It was a major treat. We also went fishing a lot - they loved it. Anyway, seems to me from what I see, it’s a phase that’s tough on everyone. The more turmoil you can avoid, the better.

OP How do we discipline at this age? We are trying to be positive and reinforce good behavior.

She's dealing with middle school kids all day, many who are awful to each other, and this is her release.

Read yes your teen is crazy

No advice,OP, as my almost 12 year old daughter is going through the same thing. But know you’re not alone. I’ll be following this thread to see what others have to say.

So I don’t know what to do. I really hope it’s the hormones. My old sweet daughter has now become rude and mean to our entire family. She says the meanest things to her sister and brother who are so kind. We don’t know why this is happening. We are a united, hard working family and it’s very difficult when she acts like this at the end of a long day. She actually bullies her brother and sister who have no behavioral problems. We have taken video games away and the computer. She has not been able to go on social engagements. She is a very bright girl and understands what she is doing..why. My husband and I don’t know what else to do. We are working so hard on our family and in our jobs and we need peace at home. This has been so hard for us.