Anonymous wrote:My kid was that busy. Her job was school. Why wouldn’t you let them make time for friends? They will have time enough to contribute to their own household in college and beyond. Your household is your responsibility. Hire out as much of it as you can.

Meh, I feel like there's a happy middle between this thought process and the idea of expecting your kid to do EVERYTHING. Kind of a mutual respect thing.

I respect that my HS kids are very busy between school, activities, and work. They understand that I'm busy with work and my own things. There has to be an expectation that certain responsibilities must be completed by all members of the household while still being cognizant of periods of time where relaxation or other duties matter more.

I think schedules work best in this kind of situation. Clear expectations and no confusion about whose turn it is. If they don’t do the chore, they don’t get whatever reward they want. It’ll probably take a time or two of not getting to do something they want before they realize you’re serious. I wouldn’t give additional punishments, nag, or remind frequently. Post a list or chore calendar, have them check things off when finished, and be brief and matter of fact about the rules.

Everyone in the family needs to contribute efforts towards the household, otherwise you are just raising princes and princesses who grow up feeling entitled.

Anonymous wrote:in their own minds, anyway. Whenever I ask them to do anything, they argue about whose turn it is, or say they're far too busy with homework. (Of course, when it's time to go out with friends, they claim not to have much homework at all.)

Would welcome tips anyone has on making sure your kids are contributing to the household responsibilities without numerous excuses, arguments, dodges.

When I was younger, I had basic chores that had to be done at certain times (empty the dishwasher, set/clear the table, empty the trash and put out the trash cans on trash night). When I was older, like middle schooler age, and had similar problems with homework, my mother looked for chores that were not time-sensitive, e.g. they could be done anytime during the week rather than at specific times.

So once/week, I had to one or more of the following (the number varied depended on how busy that semester was):
- Clean the hall bathroom or the first floor powder room
- Vacuum the family room/bedrooms
- Do a load of laundry from the hall bathroom hamper which would include bath and hand towels and kid clothes

So, I could do these when I was procrastinating from doing homework, after homework or on the weekends before I could go out. But because they could be done anytime once per week, it was hard to say that I had time to go out with friends, but not time to do my chores.

When I was a teen, I also had to mow the lawn at some point on the weekends during the warm months and shovel the driveway during cold months.

Anonymous wrote:in their own minds, anyway. Whenever I ask them to do anything, they argue about whose turn it is, or say they're far too busy with homework. (Of course, when it's time to go out with friends, they claim not to have much homework at all.)

Would welcome tips anyone has on making sure your kids are contributing to the household responsibilities without numerous excuses, arguments, dodges.

That's the problem: you ask them.

When I tell them to do something, I am not inviting an open debate about whose turn it is or how busy they are, and they know it.

Anonymous wrote:My kid was that busy. Her job was school. Why wouldn’t you let them make time for friends? They will have time enough to contribute to their own household in college and beyond. Your household is your responsibility. Hire out as much of it as you can.

OP here. While my kid is busy with school, she's no more busy than my husband or I (who both have full time jobs). I don't want her thinking that when she wants me to do something (like drive her somewhere) I should drop everything to do what she wants, but when I ask for something (like unloading the dishwasher) it's too much to ask.

I'm with you, OP. I received an allowance, and my parents were explicit that I received an allowance because I was part of the family, and I did chores because I was part of the family--everyone shares in the work, everyone shares in the benefits. I was busy with school, too, as well as a part-time job and extracurricular activities. But that was not an excuse not to pitch in--I helped vacuum and dust, clean the bathrooms, set and cleared the table, emptied the dishwasher, folded laundry, and fed the pets. I take the same approach with my kids. And I'm really clear that reciprocity matters. If they want me to do things for them (beyond ensuring that they are housed, clothed, and fed), they had better be doing their share around the house. (As my mom said, "Why should I go out of my way to do things for people who are not kind to me?") Yes, it's my house, but it's their home, too. My expectations are not onerous, but they are clear. We have a weekly chore chart; they have flexibility on some of the chores as to when they want to do them, but the chores have to be done. If the chores aren't done, then fun things do not happen. Work, then play.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid was that busy. Her job was school. Why wouldn’t you let them make time for friends? They will have time enough to contribute to their own household in college and beyond. Your household is your responsibility. Hire out as much of it as you can.

Yes, my mom had that theory as well.
The result? I know nothing about housekeeping and suck at it.
And to add, I can be quite selfish at times which I think is an extension of not having to contribute and having the expectation that someone else will do it and this effected my relationships.

Same here. Don’t do this to your kid.

My kid was that busy. Her job was school. Why wouldn’t you let them make time for friends? They will have time enough to contribute to their own household in college and beyond. Your household is your responsibility. Hire out as much of it as you can.

OP here. While my kid is busy with school, she's no more busy than my husband or I (who both have full time jobs). I don't want her thinking that when she wants me to do something (like drive her somewhere) I should drop everything to do what she wants, but when I ask for something (like unloading the dishwasher) it's too much to ask.

How old are they are? How long have they been acting like this?

And -- try to be honest with yourself -- is or was there anything about the manner in which you &/or your spouse prioritize(d) the wants & needs of various family now &/or when they were younger that may have led them to truly believe that they are, if not the center of the universe, at the very least the center around which everyone & everyone in your household does & should revolve?

Unfortunately, it seems quite common for modern day American parents to take the "children come first" mentality to an unhealthy extreme, often resulting in household situations such as the one you are describing in your OP.

Yes, my mom had that theory as well.
The result? I know nothing about housekeeping and suck at it.

My mom was very into housekeeping and chores. VERY. The result? I don't give a sh*t about housekeeping.

My teen does have some chores, but they're minimal (empty/fill dishwasher, take out garbage and recycling, feeding the dog). He gets a pass sometimes if he's at rehearsal or something but if he's in the house, he can probably squeeze these in. He doesn't have to clean his room or bathroom, do laundry or help with general cleaning.

Anonymous wrote:My kid was that busy. Her job was school. Why wouldn’t you let them make time for friends? They will have time enough to contribute to their own household in college and beyond. Your household is your responsibility. Hire out as much of it as you can.

Yes, my mom had that theory as well.
The result? I know nothing about housekeeping and suck at it.
And to add, I can be quite selfish at times which I think is an extension of not having to contribute and having the expectation that someone else will do it and this effected my relationships.

Anonymous wrote:My kid was that busy. Her job was school. Why wouldn’t you let them make time for friends? They will have time enough to contribute to their own household in college and beyond. Your household is your responsibility. Hire out as much of it as you can.

LOL!

My kid was that busy. Her job was school. Why wouldn’t you let them make time for friends? They will have time enough to contribute to their own household in college and beyond. Your household is your responsibility. Hire out as much of it as you can.

Assign household chores so they know what is expected of them, this also allows them to include the time in their schedule.

in their own minds, anyway. Whenever I ask them to do anything, they argue about whose turn it is, or say they're far too busy with homework. (Of course, when it's time to go out with friends, they claim not to have much homework at all.)

Would welcome tips anyone has on making sure your kids are contributing to the household responsibilities without numerous excuses, arguments, dodges.