I think men who come from healthy families experience this too. DH does absolutely everything his family wants or asks. Stay with his family for 6 days for Thanksgiving when we see them ever month (and we have an infant and a toddler who can't sleep there)? Why not! Visit his family the first weekend he's home from 6 weeks away because they missed him? Yes!

He doesn't care about the discomfort of his family or the lack of nuclear family time when he's giving into his parents. His parents have reasonable demands, but he needs to put nuclear family first. I tell my parents no all the time.

I think broadly that sons are raised to just go along with plans that are made by women.

No, quite the contrary. I wish he'd show more interest in them, they're good people.

yes, his priorities in life are his office work and his parents. everything else he feels, is in the bag.

Anonymous wrote:Demand he punch his mom in the throat and kick his dad in the balls to prove his loyalty to you. Anything else I can help with?

I would like to hug you very much!

Anonymous wrote:My husband used to, but he’s come to realize that his dad is a narcissist so he really doesn’t get caught up in FIL’s crap any more.

OP here. Thank you for the recent educated responses and experiences. NPD is definitely at play here (along with triangulation and a myriad of other dysfunction). The family needs someone to hate on. Period. It is as sad as it sounds, especially because DH keeps doing and doing for them, and it is all the same hate - of course, always toward DH. It is hurtful, wrong and debilitating. I swear they are jealous of him, but he wants to please them - he doesn't understand what a healthy family looks like.

OP ~ know what's ahead. What will be the issues. Are they asking for your family to visit? I'll make that the example ... you alone in private decide what works for YOU. Get out the calendar for the year and determine for how long and when it is ok with you that you visit. Then inform your husband. You can be a bit flexible at this stage but the point is to state that this is the plan and this is what you are doing. Later if there are other demands from the parents, you decline. You calmly decline. No drama. It's is some other issue, same approach. Anticipate issues - evaluate what your boundaries are - let everyone know your plan - stick to it.

We had a dynamic like this, and it got to a point where I calmly told him I wouldn't live this way. When faced with losing me and the kids, he decided to start looking at what he was doing and what his family dynamic was. We did a huge amount of talking and he went into therapy. It took time and a lot of work, but it's better now.

When you grow up thinking that abusive and unhealthy behaviors are normal, you often can't see that it can and should be different. The therapy etc is a kind of deprogramming.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, we need details in order to really answer you.

He was abused, and he thinks that by being abusive, he will please his family. It might be a little too involved/clinical to get into here (especially based on other PPs).

Anonymous wrote:Demand he punch his mom in the throat and kick his dad in the balls to prove his loyalty to you. Anything else I can help with?

Isn't the throat punch a little much this early in the game? Can't he start with a nice hard face slap? Bloody nose? It is, after all, his mom!

My husband used to, but he’s come to realize that his dad is a narcissist so he really doesn’t get caught up in FIL’s crap any more.

Demand he punch his mom in the throat and kick his dad in the balls to prove his loyalty to you. Anything else I can help with?

Yeah, we need details in order to really answer you.

Details for advice

What is he doing?

If so, what do you do about it? How do you change things? (No money, support or help coming from ILs at all, if that matters).