Anonymous
12/21/2017 09:04
Subject: Re:rage at my kids
I have 15 year old twin DSs and I feel your pain, OP. I sometimes wonder where the awesome, calm, upbeat mom I was for the first 13 years of their lives went. They probably do too.
They're great kids overall and to the outside world (great grades, good friends to their friends, interesting and respectful, excel at their sports and instruments, one of them tutors second graders, etc.) but but but ... between the hours of 6:30 - 11 (when I go into my room and shut the door) they are RIDICULOUS. Loud, demanding (about the most random of random shit), disrespectful, oppositional to each other and to me, LOUD, messy .... did I say loud?
I've read Yes, Your Teen is Crazy. It was helpful. But I still lose it 4 out of five work/school nights.
They're great kids overall and to the outside world (great grades, good friends to their friends, interesting and respectful, excel at their sports and instruments, one of them tutors second graders, etc.) but but but ... between the hours of 6:30 - 11 (when I go into my room and shut the door) they are RIDICULOUS. Loud, demanding (about the most random of random shit), disrespectful, oppositional to each other and to me, LOUD, messy .... did I say loud?
I've read Yes, Your Teen is Crazy. It was helpful. But I still lose it 4 out of five work/school nights.
Anonymous
12/21/2017 08:43
Subject: rage at my kids
Anonymous wrote:Thanks for your helpful replies. Especially the one about my husband. He is great, but it is an added pressure. Of course I don’t want to flip. It feels awful. I do think it’s fear of the future. It can be hanger and hormones too. But I think the trigger is not feeling heard. I just want to scream— go the fuck to bed. My younger one pushes it all the time. I am happy to read and smuggle in bed with him, but not at 10 when I am dying to just have some time to myself. I do try to meditate and I exercise. I’m on lexapro for low levels of anxiety and perfectionism. Just venting is super helpful. Thanks so much. Parenting is hard and I do want to be less of a reactive person. I am also trying to pause before reacting... this holiday we are going away to see family so rules will be out the window. I just want to be in the moment and enjoy... thanks so much, particularly for not making me feel more like a crappy parent. Some kids are harder than others...
They are and unless you live it it’s hard for others to get it. Be gentle with yourself. I had a therapist say to me you could ruin your relationship with your kids and they might get all As from you pushing, punishing etc. or you could focus on having a good relationship with them, be supportive and accept the grades they get as long as they are trying.
Anonymous
12/21/2017 08:39
Subject: rage at my kids
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He is home some of the time when this happens and if he is, I say I need to go off. Or he suggests it. Tonight he was out when it happened. I think you may be right re: natural consequences. I also didn't mention that we have a puppy who is adding to the craziness- swiping things, chewing up retainers etc. I have him in training... My husband is very stressed by chaos... and I am really trying to not let it happen. But truth be told, if I had easier kids, this might not happen. I love them to death, but are tough... I just feel like a crappy parent at this moment and yet I meditate and do all this stuff to try to not be reactive...
I can relate. Sometimes it can be caused by fear. When the switch flips, can you figure out what fear is going through your mind? Tracing that and working through that can help. How grounded is your fear in reality? Will they really end up being nothings if they fail one math assignment? That sort of thing. Sometimes for me it's my parents thoughts in my head, not mine. Like wow, my dad would be livid if my daughter did this in front of him. When really, for me, it's not as big of a deal. Yet I react as he might've.
There's the usual things like knowing your triggers - sometimes I wear ear plugs because sudden excessive noise triggers me (my kids are a little younger than yours). Sometimes parenting is just really hard.
You mention your husband a lot - it seems he is adding to the pressure. He is an adult responsible for his own life and you do not need to create anything for him. Of course a calm and peaceful home is good for all, but raging hormones and the pressures of teenage years are not calm and peaceful. What if you let go of his wishes and wants and focused on your main goals for your kids?
Sometimes I feel guilty. Like this is my fault, I created this, I could be better, but that's just my anxiety talking. We can only bring our best and some days our best will let us bring more than other days.
Great advice. I used to rage a lot . I have tough kids too same ages we have Adhd, learning differences, for one these are fairly profound, anxiety and a chronic disease in the mix. I went to therapy to deal better. I also went in Wellbutrin. I separate myself when I feel a rage coming in. I also agree that fear is the basis of a lot of it and exhaustion and often pre menopause hormonal issues. Perfectionist tendencies don’t help. I’ve learned that my kids are responsible for their grades and while I’ve put in systems (tutors etc) to help them ultimately this is on them.
Anonymous
12/21/2017 08:27
Subject: rage at my kids
^^ mean
Anonymous
12/21/2017 08:25
Subject: rage at my kids
Read, "yes, your teen is crazy," it really helps you calm down. Also, buy a supplement called GABA, it calms the heck out of me. My DD threw an epic tantrum last June, teen, I means calling me names, screaming in the car, crying, apologizing, just nuts... I got this GABA for DS with anxiety, tried it the night before myself as Pediatrician recommended, before it to DS. Calm as a cucumber, heck, I was amused with her tantrum. I now take it almost every evening, my DD also has pretty severe hyper ADHD.
Anonymous
12/21/2017 07:59
Subject: rage at my kids
OP, I can relate. I could've written a lot of what you wrote. Hugs to you, OP.
Anonymous
12/21/2017 07:25
Subject: rage at my kids
Thanks for your helpful replies. Especially the one about my husband. He is great, but it is an added pressure. Of course I don’t want to flip. It feels awful. I do think it’s fear of the future. It can be hanger and hormones too. But I think the trigger is not feeling heard. I just want to scream— go the fuck to bed. My younger one pushes it all the time. I am happy to read and smuggle in bed with him, but not at 10 when I am dying to just have some time to myself. I do try to meditate and I exercise. I’m on lexapro for low levels of anxiety and perfectionism. Just venting is super helpful. Thanks so much. Parenting is hard and I do want to be less of a reactive person. I am also trying to pause before reacting... this holiday we are going away to see family so rules will be out the window. I just want to be in the moment and enjoy... thanks so much, particularly for not making me feel more like a crappy parent. Some kids are harder than others...
Anonymous
12/21/2017 07:25
Subject: rage at my kids
There are some things you can to do reinforce the natural consequences.
1) Stop buying snacks. If they want to eat, they need to eat what is made for dinner (or else they can snack on fruits and vegetables).
2) Set a rule -- no eating in their rooms. Only at the table.
3) Put some limits on screens. We use both Norton and Circle (my DH is the IT guy, so I don't exactly know how it all works together) to set a cutoff time for WiFi/data and set total time limits.
There's only so much you can do, and the biggest thing is taking your wind out of their sails -- you truly are not responsible for whether they get good grades, etc. But there are some rules and some limits you can do to deal with some of the most annoying things.
1) Stop buying snacks. If they want to eat, they need to eat what is made for dinner (or else they can snack on fruits and vegetables).
2) Set a rule -- no eating in their rooms. Only at the table.
3) Put some limits on screens. We use both Norton and Circle (my DH is the IT guy, so I don't exactly know how it all works together) to set a cutoff time for WiFi/data and set total time limits.
There's only so much you can do, and the biggest thing is taking your wind out of their sails -- you truly are not responsible for whether they get good grades, etc. But there are some rules and some limits you can do to deal with some of the most annoying things.
Anonymous
12/21/2017 01:12
Subject: rage at my kids
Are you noticing trends on time of day or month? I am prone to hanger and PMS/PMDD which make th problem worse (obviously). I’m on a low dose anti depressant for the PMDD which has worked wonders on rage for reduction
Anonymous
12/21/2017 00:41
Subject: rage at my kids
Suggest you sign up for the emails from Celebrate Calm. Here's a useful link: https://simplecast.com/s/ab4f88bb
Anonymous
12/21/2017 00:34
Subject: rage at my kids
Anonymous wrote:He is home some of the time when this happens and if he is, I say I need to go off. Or he suggests it. Tonight he was out when it happened. I think you may be right re: natural consequences. I also didn't mention that we have a puppy who is adding to the craziness- swiping things, chewing up retainers etc. I have him in training... My husband is very stressed by chaos... and I am really trying to not let it happen. But truth be told, if I had easier kids, this might not happen. I love them to death, but are tough... I just feel like a crappy parent at this moment and yet I meditate and do all this stuff to try to not be reactive...
I can relate. Sometimes it can be caused by fear. When the switch flips, can you figure out what fear is going through your mind? Tracing that and working through that can help. How grounded is your fear in reality? Will they really end up being nothings if they fail one math assignment? That sort of thing. Sometimes for me it's my parents thoughts in my head, not mine. Like wow, my dad would be livid if my daughter did this in front of him. When really, for me, it's not as big of a deal. Yet I react as he might've.
There's the usual things like knowing your triggers - sometimes I wear ear plugs because sudden excessive noise triggers me (my kids are a little younger than yours). Sometimes parenting is just really hard.
You mention your husband a lot - it seems he is adding to the pressure. He is an adult responsible for his own life and you do not need to create anything for him. Of course a calm and peaceful home is good for all, but raging hormones and the pressures of teenage years are not calm and peaceful. What if you let go of his wishes and wants and focused on your main goals for your kids?
Sometimes I feel guilty. Like this is my fault, I created this, I could be better, but that's just my anxiety talking. We can only bring our best and some days our best will let us bring more than other days.
Anonymous
12/20/2017 22:40
Subject: rage at my kids
He is home some of the time when this happens and if he is, I say I need to go off. Or he suggests it. Tonight he was out when it happened. I think you may be right re: natural consequences. I also didn't mention that we have a puppy who is adding to the craziness- swiping things, chewing up retainers etc. I have him in training... My husband is very stressed by chaos... and I am really trying to not let it happen. But truth be told, if I had easier kids, this might not happen. I love them to death, but are tough... I just feel like a crappy parent at this moment and yet I meditate and do all this stuff to try to not be reactive...
Anonymous
12/20/2017 22:40
Subject: rage at my kids
I have felt your pain, op. You are not alone. There was a period of time where I felt I was constantly going for the jugular. Even though you're right, just try to take a step back and let go of control. This will pass some day. Not soon, but I promise it will.
Anonymous
12/20/2017 22:33
Subject: rage at my kids
Is your husband usually home when this happens? If so, can you tell him when you've just about had it and he can take over while you go for a walk?
If not, it may be time to let natural consequences work for a bit. Let them watch their grades dip and have to scramble to bring them up, let them oversleep because they stayed up too late and have to find a way to school and explain to their teachers, etc.
If not, it may be time to let natural consequences work for a bit. Let them watch their grades dip and have to scramble to bring them up, let them oversleep because they stayed up too late and have to find a way to school and explain to their teachers, etc.
Anonymous
12/20/2017 22:19
Subject: rage at my kids
My 11 and 14 year old boys don't listen.... it's so frustrating. At the end of the day I am tired and I just want them to do their homework, eat their dinner (without snacking all night) and go to bed at a decent time. I try so hard to stay calm and then before I know it, I am losing it. I know being out of control or raging is bad, but it's like a the switch flips. I want to stop this, but it feels so chaotic b/c they don't seem to listen , want to be on electronics all the time etc. So frustrated... My husband wants a calm atmosphere and I feel such shame when I lose it... I never say mean or humiliating stuff, but I lose it... BTW: the younger has ADHD and is hard and the older is a teen. They are good kids and I am trying so hard to provide a calm home, but it's hectic.... working, driving to sports and all of the above. Just feel sad... thx for listening