Absentee and I am slacker/strict depends on issue.

I grew up with absentee parents and I would say I fit your description in your original post as super strict.

My parents were super strict - no talking back, a thousand chores every day - and the weekends! Endless chores ... Anyhow, now I'm a complete marshmallow. I don't want to be but whenever I feel strict, I feel like I'm my mother and I remember how I felt being on the other side of it.

Anonymous wrote:I think I parent like my parents did. Loving, strict about some things, very spiritual and moral, wanted us to try our best. Lots of fun. High expectation about behavior and character.

I am the same as my parents though the times have changed. We grew up in simpler time. Our kids are growing up in the time of internet, social media, multiculturalism and globalization.

It wasn't simpler, you were just unaware.

I think I parent like my parents did. Loving, strict about some things, very spiritual and moral, wanted us to try our best. Lots of fun. High expectation about behavior and character.

I am the same as my parents though the times have changed. We grew up in simpler time. Our kids are growing up in the time of internet, social media, multiculturalism and globalization.

Anonymous wrote:My parents were middle of the road. And I am middle of the road. (On the side of strict)

Example of my parents: gave us tons of free play, lots of tv but also expectations on School achievment were high.

Me: I keep the rules minimal, lots of free play and an average amount of tv (but no iPads in our house). But when I am serious about something, I really mean it. No excuses.

What is the difference between TV and a tablet? You can read and do educational things on a tablet. Its not all games. I prefer a tablet over tv as it is active and tv is passive.

My parents were very strict, said no to most things, made me miserable, and they think they were great parents, my mother especially.

I am strict with my daughter in that she must say please and thank you and thank you for having me when leaving a friend's house. I am strict in that when I tell her to do something she'd better hop to. But I do not hit. I do not rule by fear. I try very hard to not kill her spirit. I try to say yes to anything that's reasonable, and yes to everything when we're on vacation. If I am okay with the kid she wants to hang out with I say yes to being with them, and help her work out the details of it, unlike my mother who made me answer seven questions before she would decide whether or not I could get together with someone.

I think my daughter is growing up happier than I did.

Your examples are extremes and diff situations require diff parenting (safety, choosing battles, kids' temperament, etc).

No matter how you were raised, you can still parent successfully without being one or the other.

I'm strict, but only for the things I consider important. My parents were strict about every little thing to the point where it was exhausting. I don't have the energy for that, nor do I want everything to be a big deal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were middle of the road. And I am middle of the road. (On the side of strict)

Example of my parents: gave us tons of free play, lots of tv but also expectations on School achievment were high.

Me: I keep the rules minimal, lots of free play and an average amount of tv (but no iPads in our house). But when I am serious about something, I really mean it. No excuses.

Oh but I can be the good cop too. My kids call me mean, but I am often the one to crack before dh. I guess it all depends on the area of parenting. That’s why I say I’m middle of the road.

This is the same as me. Pretty lax about rules, informal, quick to laugh, but when I say to do something, I expect them to. My kids would probably say I'm stricter than I think I am, though.

My parents and I all encourage books and value intellectual and academic skills. The difference is that I'm not crazy.

I’m middle of the road. I might have become very lax, but I had the benefit of seeing kids in college who grew up with no parental guidance or expectations.
My parents think I’m very lax, but admit my kids are polite, well-behaved, and happy.

Anonymous wrote:My parents were middle of the road. And I am middle of the road. (On the side of strict)

Example of my parents: gave us tons of free play, lots of tv but also expectations on School achievment were high.

Me: I keep the rules minimal, lots of free play and an average amount of tv (but no iPads in our house). But when I am serious about something, I really mean it. No excuses.

Oh but I can be the good cop too. My kids call me mean, but I am often the one to crack before dh. I guess it all depends on the area of parenting. That’s why I say I’m middle of the road.

My parents were middle of the road. And I am middle of the road. (On the side of strict)

Example of my parents: gave us tons of free play, lots of tv but also expectations on School achievment were high.

Me: I keep the rules minimal, lots of free play and an average amount of tv (but no iPads in our house). But when I am serious about something, I really mean it. No excuses.

So having this debate with a friend. Do you do the opposite of your parents?

My parents were pretty strict and put a lot of pressure. It worked well in terms of my “performance” (school, sports, music etc) but I was miserable. Now I’m parent and DH says I’m too flexible ; I’m the fun parent who let her pre-schooler eat ice cream for dinner. As long as it isn’t too dangerous and within the range of acceptable- I’m cool with it. My DH is like “I thought you’d be bad cop. What happened?!”. I just can’t be that rigid...

My friend had absentee parents; she says she “basically raised herself”. She’s extremely strict with her kids now and pushes them to achievements/behavior that she views as ideal. Strict policies on food, activities, behavior and needs kid to be first - first potty trained, to read etc. Her perspective is that if you don’t push, they won’t achieve greatness later. She’s got Ivy’s picked out for her preschooler.

Did you do the same or opposite of your upbringing?