Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 13:24     Subject: I don’t want to have a child because I feel like I’m already married to one.
Why did you do ll that when you were sick? Go to bed! Don't make him a separate soup! Why grocery shop with him? What the heck.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 13:23     Subject: I don’t want to have a child because I feel like I’m already married to one.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am a woman, but I have to say, a lot of this is just a matter of male vs. female priorities.

You felt compelled to have all of the regular chores done despite your illness. If he were sick, he would just let the laundry pile up and the probably even the cat litter, frankly. I completely understand why you want him to pick up the slack on things that matter to you while you are sick, but being incredulous about his not automatically doing so is going to make your situation worse not better.

Go park yourself in bed and ask him to do x, y, and z. Keep it short and sweet and don't be angry about having to ask. Let him do it his way. I have been through all of what you are describing with my own husband and things have gotten A LOT better, so there is hope. Start with ditching the outrage.


Please don't make sweeping generalizations about gender this way. Not all men do that. My husband absolutely sends me to bed when I'm sick, and PRIDES himself on keeping the house running on his own. He whips out the stock pot to make ME chicken soup when I'm starting to get sick. He blasts music and has our girls help him clean the common areas. He folds laundry on our bed at night while telling me what happened during the day since I slept through it. If I could clone him and send the clones out into the universe for my fellow sister-women, I would.


Op here. Can you clone him for me, please?
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 13:21     Subject: I don’t want to have a child because I feel like I’m already married to one.
Have you posted before? This sounds familiar.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 13:19     Subject: I don’t want to have a child because I feel like I’m already married to one.
Anonymous wrote:I am a woman, but I have to say, a lot of this is just a matter of male vs. female priorities.

You felt compelled to have all of the regular chores done despite your illness. If he were sick, he would just let the laundry pile up and the probably even the cat litter, frankly. I completely understand why you want him to pick up the slack on things that matter to you while you are sick, but being incredulous about his not automatically doing so is going to make your situation worse not better.

Go park yourself in bed and ask him to do x, y, and z. Keep it short and sweet and don't be angry about having to ask. Let him do it his way. I have been through all of what you are describing with my own husband and things have gotten A LOT better, so there is hope. Start with ditching the outrage.


Please don't make sweeping generalizations about gender this way. Not all men do that. My husband absolutely sends me to bed when I'm sick, and PRIDES himself on keeping the house running on his own. He whips out the stock pot to make ME chicken soup when I'm starting to get sick. He blasts music and has our girls help him clean the common areas. He folds laundry on our bed at night while telling me what happened during the day since I slept through it. If I could clone him and send the clones out into the universe for my fellow sister-women, I would.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 13:18     Subject: Re:I don’t want to have a child because I feel like I’m already married to one.
Wow, what a bunch of control freaks. So typical of DCUM. OP did it ever occur to you that the problem is that just because you TOLD him to do something it does not require that it be done right away? He's not a child. Nothing you mentioned was an emergency or time-sensitive. God forbid the laundry get done on ::gasp:: Monday! Just because you want the litter box cleaned out RIGHT now does not require your DH to obey your every command. Stop treating him like a child and perhaps he will stop acting like one. Why don't you try treating him as an equal partner and see how that works out.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 13:18     Subject: I don’t want to have a child because I feel like I’m already married to one.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH and I came home yesterday after a weekend away. I came down with the flu and was sick. We had a 3 hour drive on the way home and had multiple chores to do once getting home (unpacking, laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping.) I asked DH to clean the litter box when we came home. He chose to sit on the couch and check his emails because he was tired while I unpacked, did the laundry, took out the garbage and cleaned the cat box. He got upset with me when I started cleaning the cat box because he “was going to do it”, but he didn’t seem to indicate that he had any plans to do so as he literally plopped his suitcase in the middle of the room and sat down.

We went grocery shopping, and DH didn’t want what I was making (chicken soup) and asked me to make him a different soup: I cooked and cleaned up, then had to fold laundry. I was tired and sick and frustrated that DH wasn’t picking up any slack and asked him to make dinner. He thankfully did but I still ended cleaning up. He started whining that he needed help making his lunch for the next day. He also needed help setting up his iPhone because he couldn’t figure out how to restore it from iCloud.

In case anyone asks - yes I asked him for help multiple times. I had to repeat myself several times because he was either on his phone, on his laptop, or or watching TV and couldn’t “hear me.” If he was sick and had the flu I would certainly pick up the slack and take care of him rather than the other way around. I can’t imagone having a child with this man and him copping out when household tasks need to get done. He still “helps” with the house but rarely initiates cleaning and I always have to ask. Is it too much to ask for an active, engaged partner?


No, it's not too much to ask, in general.

Does he want to have a child?


Yes, he does.


I would strongly recommend that you not have a child with this man until either 1) you have seen 6 consecutive months of improved domestic behavior or 2) you have accepted that you will be raising that child by yourself, with a co-parent who dips in for the fun stuff but is never around when you actually need support. I would also add to 2) that you should also prepare/accept that he will absolutely not see himself that way, and nor will most of the rest of the world, provided that he is minimally engaged with and enthusiastic about the child.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 13:17     Subject: I don’t want to have a child because I feel like I’m already married to one.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH and I came home yesterday after a weekend away. I came down with the flu and was sick. We had a 3 hour drive on the way home and had multiple chores to do once getting home (unpacking, laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping.) I asked DH to clean the litter box when we came home. He chose to sit on the couch and check his emails because he was tired while I unpacked, did the laundry, took out the garbage and cleaned the cat box. He got upset with me when I started cleaning the cat box because he “was going to do it”, but he didn’t seem to indicate that he had any plans to do so as he literally plopped his suitcase in the middle of the room and sat down.

We went grocery shopping, and DH didn’t want what I was making (chicken soup) and asked me to make him a different soup: I cooked and cleaned up, then had to fold laundry. I was tired and sick and frustrated that DH wasn’t picking up any slack and asked him to make dinner. He thankfully did but I still ended cleaning up. He started whining that he needed help making his lunch for the next day. He also needed help setting up his iPhone because he couldn’t figure out how to restore it from iCloud.

In case anyone asks - yes I asked him for help multiple times. I had to repeat myself several times because he was either on his phone, on his laptop, or or watching TV and couldn’t “hear me.” If he was sick and had the flu I would certainly pick up the slack and take care of him rather than the other way around. I can’t imagone having a child with this man and him copping out when household tasks need to get done. He still “helps” with the house but rarely initiates cleaning and I always have to ask. Is it too much to ask for an active, engaged partner?


No, it's not too much to ask, in general.

Does he want to have a child?


Yes, he does.


Then I would share this post with him. You very clearly articulated what happened and why you feel you already have a child. If possible, the two of you need to have an adult conversation about this. Either he is a capable adult that can take on at least half of the child rearing and household running chores or he can't. If he can't, you need to tell him, you are not interested in having a child with an incapable partner.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 13:15     Subject: I don’t want to have a child because I feel like I’m already married to one.
I am a woman, but I have to say, a lot of this is just a matter of male vs. female priorities.

You felt compelled to have all of the regular chores done despite your illness. If he were sick, he would just let the laundry pile up and the probably even the cat litter, frankly.

I completely understand why you want him to pick up the slack on things that matter to you while you are sick, but being incredulous about his not automatically doing so is going to make your situation worse not better.

Go park yourself in bed and ask him to do x, y, and z. Keep it short and sweet and don't be angry about having to ask. Let him do it his way.

I have been through all of what you are describing with my own husband and things have gotten A LOT better, so there is hope. Start with ditching the outrage.

Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 13:12     Subject: I don’t want to have a child because I feel like I’m already married to one.
Why would you stay married to him? If I were you I would get on birth control THIS WEEK, and make an appointment with a therapist THIS WEEK for some time THIS MONTH to begin exploring why my self esteem was so low as to accept this as a partnership. Then I would divorce him.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 13:12     Subject: I don’t want to have a child because I feel like I’m already married to one.
Anonymous wrote:When I have the flu or another illness, I get in bed and stay there. Stop indulging your man child. And definitely don't have kids with him unless you are prepared and willing to do every little thing.

+1
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 13:12     Subject: I don’t want to have a child because I feel like I’m already married to one.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH and I came home yesterday after a weekend away. I came down with the flu and was sick. We had a 3 hour drive on the way home and had multiple chores to do once getting home (unpacking, laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping.) I asked DH to clean the litter box when we came home. He chose to sit on the couch and check his emails because he was tired while I unpacked, did the laundry, took out the garbage and cleaned the cat box. He got upset with me when I started cleaning the cat box because he “was going to do it”, but he didn’t seem to indicate that he had any plans to do so as he literally plopped his suitcase in the middle of the room and sat down.

We went grocery shopping, and DH didn’t want what I was making (chicken soup) and asked me to make him a different soup: I cooked and cleaned up, then had to fold laundry. I was tired and sick and frustrated that DH wasn’t picking up any slack and asked him to make dinner. He thankfully did but I still ended cleaning up. He started whining that he needed help making his lunch for the next day. He also needed help setting up his iPhone because he couldn’t figure out how to restore it from iCloud.

In case anyone asks - yes I asked him for help multiple times. I had to repeat myself several times because he was either on his phone, on his laptop, or or watching TV and couldn’t “hear me.” If he was sick and had the flu I would certainly pick up the slack and take care of him rather than the other way around. I can’t imagone having a child with this man and him copping out when household tasks need to get done. He still “helps” with the house but rarely initiates cleaning and I always have to ask. Is it too much to ask for an active, engaged partner?


No, it's not too much to ask, in general.

Does he want to have a child?


Yes, he does.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 13:10     Subject: I don’t want to have a child because I feel like I’m already married to one.
Anonymous wrote:DH and I came home yesterday after a weekend away. I came down with the flu and was sick. We had a 3 hour drive on the way home and had multiple chores to do once getting home (unpacking, laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping.) I asked DH to clean the litter box when we came home. He chose to sit on the couch and check his emails because he was tired while I unpacked, did the laundry, took out the garbage and cleaned the cat box. He got upset with me when I started cleaning the cat box because he “was going to do it”, but he didn’t seem to indicate that he had any plans to do so as he literally plopped his suitcase in the middle of the room and sat down.

We went grocery shopping, and DH didn’t want what I was making (chicken soup) and asked me to make him a different soup: I cooked and cleaned up, then had to fold laundry. I was tired and sick and frustrated that DH wasn’t picking up any slack and asked him to make dinner. He thankfully did but I still ended cleaning up. He started whining that he needed help making his lunch for the next day. He also needed help setting up his iPhone because he couldn’t figure out how to restore it from iCloud.

In case anyone asks - yes I asked him for help multiple times. I had to repeat myself several times because he was either on his phone, on his laptop, or or watching TV and couldn’t “hear me.” If he was sick and had the flu I would certainly pick up the slack and take care of him rather than the other way around. I can’t imagone having a child with this man and him copping out when household tasks need to get done. He still “helps” with the house but rarely initiates cleaning and I always have to ask. Is it too much to ask for an active, engaged partner?


No, it's not too much to ask, in general.

Does he want to have a child?
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 13:08     Subject: I don’t want to have a child because I feel like I’m already married to one.
When I have the flu or another illness, I get in bed and stay there. Stop indulging your man child. And definitely don't have kids with him unless you are prepared and willing to do every little thing.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 13:06     Subject: I don’t want to have a child because I feel like I’m already married to one.
You're smart to realize this before you have kids. Proceed accordingly.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 13:05     Subject: I don’t want to have a child because I feel like I’m already married to one.
DH and I came home yesterday after a weekend away. I came down with the flu and was sick. We had a 3 hour drive on the way home and had multiple chores to do once getting home (unpacking, laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping.) I asked DH to clean the litter box when we came home. He chose to sit on the couch and check his emails because he was tired while I unpacked, did the laundry, took out the garbage and cleaned the cat box. He got upset with me when I started cleaning the cat box because he “was going to do it”, but he didn’t seem to indicate that he had any plans to do so as he literally plopped his suitcase in the middle of the room and sat down.

We went grocery shopping, and DH didn’t want what I was making (chicken soup) and asked me to make him a different soup: I cooked and cleaned up, then had to fold laundry. I was tired and sick and frustrated that DH wasn’t picking up any slack and asked him to make dinner. He thankfully did but I still ended cleaning up. He started whining that he needed help making his lunch for the next day. He also needed help setting up his iPhone because he couldn’t figure out how to restore it from iCloud.

In case anyone asks - yes I asked him for help multiple times. I had to repeat myself several times because he was either on his phone, on his laptop, or or watching TV and couldn’t “hear me.” If he was sick and had the flu I would certainly pick up the slack and take care of him rather than the other way around. I can’t imagone having a child with this man and him copping out when household tasks need to get done. He still “helps” with the house but rarely initiates cleaning and I always have to ask. Is it too much to ask for an active, engaged partner?