Hello,

I think it's great that you are eager to learn all you can about your daughter's new friend and her possible need. There is a saying that goes something like "if you know one kid with autism, you know one kid with autism." No two are alike and while there are some common traits along the spectrum I would encourage you to talk to this little girls mom about her possible needs. Maybe even invite the mom over for the first play date as well. She will likely appreciate your concern and willingness to get to know her child's needs.

If you were willing to host my kid for a playdate, I'd die of happiness. I'd probably want to stay the first time so that my kid's nerves don't get the better of her - she'd do better at your house alone if I had come along at least one time.

That way, the second time, I could be like, "remember the room with the red rug? that's where you can go if you need quiet space. remember the dog, spot? he was so nice. he barks sometimes, but doesn't bite."

OP, you are awesome. I would give the mom a chance to stay if she wanted. I usually did the hosting back then and if my child went to another child's house I was there. Also, keep it short until you know the child well.

HOPEFULLY, the mom is savvy to her child's needs. I think I am to my child with HFA, but who knows. We had another kid over with other special needs and the mom gave me no heads up or warnings and was close to an hour late at pick up. I really think if the parent had stayed or given me background info and tips it would have been a success. Instead, it was highly stressful and the kid was cruel to mine. It was the type of cruelty where I tried to directly redirect and got nowhere. Then I had to be firm and the kid got upset. If the mom were there I think it qwould have been nipped in the bud and the kids could have moved on nicely.

I would have the parent come along. Or, do a neutral place.

OP here, you guys are great, thanks. I do have 2 dogs so will make sure to mention that to her Mom to make sure she will be ok with it. We also have a guest room and can have a quiet space if needed.

OP you are awesome! Thank you!!

Anonymous wrote:Is there anything I should know before hosting a playdate with this child? I want it to go well but I don't know her very well and don't have experience with autism. I am thinking I will keep it short at least the first time.

Yes OP, keep it short. One piece of advice not yet covered is that if she is not following your house rules, treating friends well or maintaining the right boundaries generally, it might help for you to intervene with friendly but spelled-out guidance (rather than beating around the bush or waiting for her to figure it out on her own).

As they say in the Autism community, if you've met one child with Autism... you've met one child with Autism! So the best advice is to get to know this girl a little, to figure out what her specific play date hurdles are.

Talk to the Mom about what behaviors to look out for and how to handle them. Also make sure you have her phone number in case you need help.

At least for the first time, helicopter a bit to see how they are getting along, and intervene if the other kid seems to be getting upset or wants to withdraw. If things go well, you can back off a little next time.

My daughter has been close friends with girl who has HFA for years. Here are my suggestions (and as with any type of friendship, things will change with time).

1. Your child and the other child if there is anything specific they want to do for the playdates.

2. I always ask the other parents if it will be easier to have the playdate at a certain location (for my daughters friend we always have it at her friends house).

3. Any food issues?

4. Be aware that at some point, the friend may need to take a break and come back. If the friendship goes on for awhile, you will get used to this.

My DD has been friends with a girl who has (maybe had?) autism. I warned her we had an excited dog who won't bite but might bark. And if I was going to do something that made a loud noise I'd warn her first - vacuum, use the blender, etc.

Oh, and when we had a party at our house I took Lucy and showed her to the guest bedroom and said "Nobody goes in here. If you need to be somewhere quiet and calm you can come in here to hang out for a while." And I put paper and crayons in there for her. She would slip away occasionally and her parents and DH and I all knew she'd gone to get away from the noise and chaos.

Keep it short (no more than 90 minutes) and structure it as much as possible, for example, with an art kit. Ask the mom if there are activities her daughter particularly enjoys. And thank you for not being scared off by her diagnosis.

My DD is 5 and in K and seems to have become good friends with a little girl who has HF Autism. What's funny is in the beginning DD said this kid pushed her and hit her and I was emailing the teacher to keep them away from each other. Since then they have become friends and I would obviously like to support that. She hasn't really made any other " girl" friends at school, but likes playing with the boys at recess.

Is there anything I should know before hosting a playdate with this child? I want it to go well but I don't know her very well and don't have experience with autism. I am thinking I will keep it short at least the first time.
If you have a child with autism do you let them go on playdates at this age by themselves?