Anonymous wrote:I'll chime in different. No, I didn't resent my parents decision to stay married or get divorced when I was in college. Because of their choices, they had more resources, I had a closer relationship with my father (who would have likely not have had much custody) and my childhood wasn't full of tension. If anything, I'd say it was drama free.

Same here. I'll add stigma as an issue. I grew up in a time and location where good, Educated, middle class people just didn't get divorced (or have babies as single mothers, Fwiw) That was a trashy move and I'm sure that was a factor in my parents staying together as roommates.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you resent them for it? Or do your parents resent each other or you?

Why would there be resentment? You made an oath to your spouse for life. Absent an abusive situation, you need to suck it up and be there for the child.

Step back and read the original question again.

Sucking up and being there is what these parents did. The resentment comes in because people were unhappy and that is what the children were exposed to - not happy and loving marriages. Suck it up and be there marriages.

Asking someone to suck it up is one thing...asking them to fake happiness while doing it is another - and not how humans are built.

I'm not sure if resent is the right word, but I acknowledge that the ongoing fighting and tension in their marriage impacted me horribly from my preteen years on. My mother had severe untreated anxiety and depression, so even if their marriage was otherwise perfect that alone would have been enough to give me a whole rack of issues. I KNOW they both thought that divorce was the worst thing they could do to us so they stuck it out. My mom always says "we had an agreement that we would stay married no matter what". Uhhh, ok. Thanks? I really can't say if things would have been better for us if they had actually divorced. Who knows.

I think they've made peace with their marriage. They are great grandparents and they socialize and travel together, but their interactions as a couple are not healthy. Their bickering still drives me crazy. They are good people as individuals and I know they both have regrets about how they raised us and wish they could do it over. I love them and forgive them, and as a married person and parent myself, I get it.

Anonymous wrote:Do you resent them for it? Or do your parents resent each other or you?

Why would there be resentment? You made an oath to your spouse for life. Absent an abusive situation, you need to suck it up and be there for the child.

I've tried to let go of the resentment, but yes, I do wish they'd divorced. My mom still insists they stayed together for our sake.

Honestly, I think when she says it--and many others who say the same thing--it's an excuse. It's not really for the kids, it's out of fear for other things. My parents were not truly compatible or partners, but they were still strangely codependent and afraid of being alone or having to learn to be with someone else.

My parents had a good marriage, but they went through several hard years. I know my mom had an affair (neither parent has any idea I know. I read a text on my mom’s cell). I have no idea if my dad knew... I never told him. It hurt me of course... I pray I never have to put my kid through this. I also suspect they were swingers (I found a special VIP card for a swinger club). They fought very little in front of us and gave us kids a great life. I am sure my life would have been much worse if they had divorced. I am so thankful they stayed together! They taught me that children’s happiness comes before parents’. I have friends and cousins whose parents are divorced and they had a MUCH worse childhood than I did. Even if I found out at 13 that my parents were swingers and that my mom had an affair, I believe it would have been MUCH worse if they had divorced.
My parents are still together now and I think they are happy now. They are a great team and are awesome grandparents.

I don't resent them, but I wish they hadn't done it. When I was in early elementary school, they fought. Nothing abusive, just fighting. They opted not to divorce. For the next 10 years I lived with parents who obviously didn't love each other. Most days I don't even think they liked each other. We did things as a family, but there was always an underlying layer of unhappiness and tenseness. When I was old enough to date, I had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like. I had several unhealthy ones before I went to a therapist. And guess what was my main issue? My parents marriage.

I was mad at them for awhile. I felt they were selfish. They acted completely shocked that I had always known they weren't happy. And I felt guilty and mad and felt like it was my fault they had been unhappy for over a decade.

They divorced when I was 25. Very easy and amicable divorce. My mom remarried 3 years later and my dad 4 years later. They are both very happy now.

I will say the one good thing is that they spent so long together as roommates, we are able to celebrate holidays together because there is no animosity and they are able to get along pretty well these days.

I'll chime in different. No, I didn't resent my parents decision to stay married or get divorced when I was in college. Because of their choices, they had more resources, I had a closer relationship with my father (who would have likely not have had much custody) and my childhood wasn't full of tension. If anything, I'd say it was drama free.

I hate my parents for staying together. It's really hard because they both love us and would die for us. They just didn't divorce for us. My father was physically and verbally abusing towards my mother. It was horrible to experience and witness and I just wanted to be grownup and leave already. I coudln't, I was 8 and had 10 years of this abuse to witness. They don't fight anymore because they don't live together anymore. I needed that when I was 8 and even begged them to separate.
I also would be pissed at them if they faked it and I found out. A kid doesn't want their parents be in a relationship they don't want to be in. I'd feel like they would be faking it it because of us. Really depends on what's going on in your marriage. Living like roommates? I wouldn't have problem with it I guess. I'm sure you had your crazy love at some point. nobody said it'll last.

Yes I resent them for keeping such a painful household to live in, grow up in.
They resented each other.

I don't think you should stay together for children. Kids deserve to see loving marriages so they can grow up and form their own.

My husband and I both had this. In my case, YES I RESENT IT because they fought like cats and dogs, treated each other horribly, threatened each other and the tension in our household was very thick. In my husband's case, YES HE RESENTS IT because he was completely unaware that they were unhappy, he always felt that they had a perfect marriage and it was completely disillusioning to him that they were faking it all along and he was completely blindsided and devastated by the breakup when he was in his 20's.

No. My dad would have just remarried the first woman he met and would have more or less forgotten about us like he did to my half sister.

No resentment on my side but they pretty much despised each other by the end and my mother blames us kids for how her life turned out.

Do you resent them for it? Or do your parents resent each other or you?