Anonymous wrote:I didn’t date for several months after I separated and divorced and I’m happy I didn’t. Like someone else said, I feel like it’s too easy to cling to someone just to fill a void. I actually really loved the time I spent by myself. I got an apartment in a quiet, out of the way part of town. My ex always had to have to TV blaring and left clutter around. I enjoyed keeping my apartment clean, washing my floors by hand (I know that sounds weird lol), learning how to cook new things, walking my dog more, and listening to jazz music with the TV off! I really learned how to take care of everything myself and learn to enjoy spending time alone with myself. When I did start dating, I felt less inclined to settle and more like I knew exactly what I wanted in a partner. Like the old saying goes, “you have to be able to love yourself before you can love anyone else.”

I thought I was the only one!!!! *soulmate*

If you don't have kids, I don't think it's nearly as important to wait so long.

You all have inspired me to start listing out things that I am going to do now that it's just me - from stupid, small things to major decisions. Thank you. --- OP

You need to take care of yourself and find out who you are as an individual, without other people. Too often relationships fail because one person doesn't even know what they like, what they want. They are used to doing things for others, taking care of others, and they submerge their own personal preferences behind what is best for "us" instead of for "me." Then they start to resent why they never get what they want, because they don't even know how to identify what is missing, what is not being done for themselves. They don't learn how to advocate for what they want.

So, if you had a night to yourself, like you do now, what would you do with yourself that you enjoy?
If you could choose how to spend the weekend without having to balance someone else's preferences, what would you do?
Do you like to leave early for appointments/events?
Or do you like to be there on time so that you don't waste time waiting around?
Try out brands of food or products that you didn't have a say in before because your partner always uses brand X.
Do things that you used to avoid because it was on partner's "do not do X" list (whether eating something they were allergic to, or buying from X store that they boycotted or going someplace they didn't approve of, etc)

I've know many people who went from parents house to SO's house to marriage, and never lived alone. Jumped into a new relationship after one died. They were always unsettled because things never seemed to be the way they wanted it. They did A because SO wanted it, then B because spouse wanted it, but never did C which is what they really wanted. And then didn't even know that they resented not getting C because they never stopped to figure out that they really wanted C. All they did was go from parents' preference to SO's preference to spouse's preference.

Figure out who you are and what you like. What will make you happy and balanced that should not depend on another person dictating to you. Once you know those things about yourself, then it will be easier to advocate or incorporate those into your life with another person. And learn the things that you have compromised about yourself to be with others and figure out which of those should be negotiable and which ones should not.

For however long you've been married, the self you've known is who you are in the context of your marriage. If you jump into something new right away, that's the self you'll bring into that new relationship. You need to take time off to figure out who you are now on your own so that when you're out dating again, you can find someone who fits who *you* are, not who you were in your previous marriage. It's a really pervasive thing, from what your values/priorities are when you don't need to consider your ex's values/priorities to what kind of coffee you like to buy. You're more likely to end up happy if you first make your life into something that makes you happy and then you find a partner who fits that happiness than if you find a partner and then have to craft your happiness around them. Also, the more comfortable you get being alone and the more confident you become in your ability to be on your own, the less likely you are to stay in a bad relationship later in order to avoid being alone. A relationship will become something you choose to be a part of because of how it enhances your already good life, rather than something you cling to in order to avoid the unknown of being alone.

If happiness is your ultimate goal, give yourself this time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds snarky, but this is a genuine question. Truly, what should you be doing during that time period? And yes, this is something I am facing so I can only focus on the negative right now (being alone through the holidays, birthday, etc) and I want to know what makes that loneliness worth it. Because I can't see how it matters how many new hobbies I get, or how many friends I have, or how great of a family I have, or how much I go to the gym, I'm still going home to an empty house at the end of the night. Am I supposed to figure out how to enjoy this first and that's how I know I am "ready"?

Yes. You need to learn to love being with yourself, by yourself. You need to bring your whole self to a new relationship. You cannot expect someone else to fill a void in your life. The reason people say to wait is that right now you are carrying a lot of baggage from your previous relationship. You need to unload that baggage and figure out how not to pick it again during the next relationship.

The first year is HARD. It is lonely. It is filled with heartache and tears. And then, your step gets a bit lighter, you smile a bit more, and one day you turn around and realize you are on the otherside and you are happy. Then, you are ready for your next relationship.

Agree with the above. I got a dog to help break the loneliness. The house was no longer empty, I had something to force me out of bed on Saturday morning, I spent a lot of time thinking while out on walks. I learned to live my life before I tried to live a life with someone else again.

I didn’t date for several months after I separated and divorced and I’m happy I didn’t. Like someone else said, I feel like it’s too easy to cling to someone just to fill a void. I actually really loved the time I spent by myself. I got an apartment in a quiet, out of the way part of town. My ex always had to have to TV blaring and left clutter around. I enjoyed keeping my apartment clean, washing my floors by hand (I know that sounds weird lol), learning how to cook new things, walking my dog more, and listening to jazz music with the TV off! I really learned how to take care of everything myself and learn to enjoy spending time alone with myself. When I did start dating, I felt less inclined to settle and more like I knew exactly what I wanted in a partner. Like the old saying goes, “you have to be able to love yourself before you can love anyone else.”

OP Here. Thank you for all the responses - they really do help. This is all still new/fresh to me. Sometimes, I guess I need the reassurance that the loneliness will eventually lessen/go away and I will be happy again. It's tempting sometimes to rush toward things that SEEM like they will make me happy again, like a relationship, but I know deep down that isn't true - I'm seeking that fast forward button that doesn't exist. I need the reminders to stick it out.

NP. I jumped into something really hot and heavy within months of separating from my STBX. Luckily me and the new guy mutually decided to slow things down. It was painful at first but it's shown me how to be truly fulfilled by my own company, how to stand on my own two feet, etc.

It's not all or nothing. Now I go out with/see my boyfriend two or three times a week, but the rest of the time I am handling things on my own. I have the space and time to work on myself, which is super important.

Good luck, OP.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds snarky, but this is a genuine question. Truly, what should you be doing during that time period? And yes, this is something I am facing so I can only focus on the negative right now (being alone through the holidays, birthday, etc) and I want to know what makes that loneliness worth it. Because I can't see how it matters how many new hobbies I get, or how many friends I have, or how great of a family I have, or how much I go to the gym, I'm still going home to an empty house at the end of the night. Am I supposed to figure out how to enjoy this first and that's how I know I am "ready"?

I think it depends on the person. Some reasons that people recommend waiting:

1) You have kids and they are dealing with the fallout from divorce - you don't want to introduce another life change immediately, even if it's just them spending time with a babysitter while you go on dates. Your focus should be on helping them adjust to their new life.
2) Your marriage/divorce was messy and you are an emotional wreck - you need time to process your divorce and recover emotionally and doing that with another person is almost guaranteed to be a disaster in some way or another.
3) You may end up dating someone who isn't good for you and staying with them longer than is healthy in order to prove to yourself that you can sustain a relationship.

What should you be doing during that time? I think it's different for everyone. When I got divorced, I was coming off many years of my interests/needs/etc. not being considered. I really enjoyed stuff like buying furnishings that *I* liked but that were not to my ex's taste. I liked going to movies, which was something he never wanted to do. I liked going out to restaurants with different kinds of food than he liked. I went to the Caribbean for a week by myself and just enjoyed the lack of conflict and chaos. I think that some people are ready to date sooner than others, but that you are talking about not wanting to come home to an empty house indicates to me that you're in danger of falling deeply into the first relationship that comes along just to stop feeling lonely.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds snarky, but this is a genuine question. Truly, what should you be doing during that time period? And yes, this is something I am facing so I can only focus on the negative right now (being alone through the holidays, birthday, etc) and I want to know what makes that loneliness worth it. Because I can't see how it matters how many new hobbies I get, or how many friends I have, or how great of a family I have, or how much I go to the gym, I'm still going home to an empty house at the end of the night. Am I supposed to figure out how to enjoy this first and that's how I know I am "ready"?

Yes. You need to learn to love being with yourself, by yourself. You need to bring your whole self to a new relationship. You cannot expect someone else to fill a void in your life. The reason people say to wait is that right now you are carrying a lot of baggage from your previous relationship. You need to unload that baggage and figure out how not to pick it again during the next relationship.

The first year is HARD. It is lonely. It is filled with heartache and tears. And then, your step gets a bit lighter, you smile a bit more, and one day you turn around and realize you are on the otherside and you are happy. Then, you are ready for your next relationship.

The fact that you even has to ask tells us you are not ready.

Because if you start dating before you have faced the loneliness there is a good chance you will cling to the first person to enter your life to avoid it.

to avoid jumping into a rebound relationship -- if you just need "someone" to fill the emptiness, you're doing it wrong

Sounds snarky, but this is a genuine question. Truly, what should you be doing during that time period? And yes, this is something I am facing so I can only focus on the negative right now (being alone through the holidays, birthday, etc) and I want to know what makes that loneliness worth it. Because I can't see how it matters how many new hobbies I get, or how many friends I have, or how great of a family I have, or how much I go to the gym, I'm still going home to an empty house at the end of the night. Am I supposed to figure out how to enjoy this first and that's how I know I am "ready"?