I changed CONTINENTS and put an OCEAN between my mother and myself.

She wants me to put her first, or she wants to be first in my life... I'm not sure which, or if it makes any difference. She didn't want me to marry or have kids and basically do anything except accumulate advanced degrees and have the career she never had. She threw several fits when my husband and I expressed the desire to visit my dear MIL for a couple of days instead of spending our entire vacation time with her. She likes to be generous but it always comes with strings attached. I could go on.

Hence the utility of the Atlantic ocean!

Our relationship works by phone (if I ignore all her ridiculous anxieties and prejudices about many different topics) and we get along for about a 10 day visit until I absolutely need to put either one of us on a plane.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post just makes me anxious! I think your mil is depressed and anxious and needs friends. My parents would throw a fit if I told them they needed to visit with my mil at her house when they come to visit me. She's way too involved and interested in your lives.

If this was my mother (not mil) I would tell her flat out that she doesn't seem happy to me and that she needs to develop her own interests, activities, friends and possibly get on antidepressants. I'm able to discuss things nicely with my family. If this were my mil I'd be in the same predicament as you because dh would never say a word.

My husband talks to her constantly about needing to find happiness outside of us. She's been a widow for 15 years, retired for 20 years, and my husband has tried to get her to date. True story: she finally let him convince her to join that match site for older people. Literally every time a man messaged her, she would tell my DH that she needs him to come help her write back. It was a disaster and my husband obviously didn't take the bait. He still encourages her to travel, find friends, boyfriends, etc, but I'm convinced she'll never find anything in this world as interesting as my husband.

This doesn't seem that unreasonable. If she is unused to dating and e-mail then this seems like a normal request. I have had co-workers who've asked me to look at responses when they have first started with online dating services. Honestly you sound too oversensitive and are seeing monsters in mirrors when they aren't even there.

Anonymous wrote:Your post just makes me anxious! I think your mil is depressed and anxious and needs friends. My parents would throw a fit if I told them they needed to visit with my mil at her house when they come to visit me. She's way too involved and interested in your lives.

If this was my mother (not mil) I would tell her flat out that she doesn't seem happy to me and that she needs to develop her own interests, activities, friends and possibly get on antidepressants. I'm able to discuss things nicely with my family. If this were my mil I'd be in the same predicament as you because dh would never say a word.

My husband talks to her constantly about needing to find happiness outside of us. She's been a widow for 15 years, retired for 20 years, and my husband has tried to get her to date. True story: she finally let him convince her to join that match site for older people. Literally every time a man messaged her, she would tell my DH that she needs him to come help her write back. It was a disaster and my husband obviously didn't take the bait. He still encourages her to travel, find friends, boyfriends, etc, but I'm convinced she'll never find anything in this world as interesting as my husband.

Oh man. Rough years ahead for you OP!!! I hope she can afford a nice nursing home. She's legit insane.

Fwiw a senior neighborhood might be best for you. Dhs grandma moved into one at 60 and still loves it. So many activities and friends. She's now pretty disabled and lives in the nursing home section, but she started off in the section with her own house which was pretty nice.

Anonymous wrote:What you're feeling seems very reasonable, but would moving actually help? Wouldn't she just complain more, and it would be more of a hassle to see her / host her? Before my MIL moved to our state, she had started visiting more than 4 times/year for a week at a time ... it's nicer now that she's here and not staying overnight in my house, you know?

It might be better to disengage a bit -- see her less, send your husband to her house to visit (with the kids, without you), put your husband in charge of meals or do delivery. Whatever it takes to remove a stressor.

You could also try making a game of it, a MIL bingo of her most common complaints. When you get bingo during her visit, you get to remember an errand upstairs for a bit.

+1

Make her his problem. Don't announce it, just do it.

OP here again. We've disengaged a lot. I told my husband flatly that I'm in my 40's and reaching a "I don't give a F" mentality about trying to cater to others, especially to her. He has started seeing her for lunch so that our weekends remain free of her when possible. She's still crafty about finding reasons we 'need' to get together, but I've definitely become more hardened to her through the years. She'll barrage us in texts and emails and if we don't reply, she panics and calls DH, and then while on the call will say she bought something for our kids that she wants to bring by, and to let her know when she can come by. Stuff like that. She's a crafty SOB. This is turning into more of a vent than advice-seeking. Thanks all.

Signed,
40-something who no longer gives any F's about my MIL and wants to move far away from her

yes, changed the vacation house too. we're the only couple of his 3 siblings not divorced.

Anonymous wrote:What you're feeling seems very reasonable, but would moving actually help? Wouldn't she just complain more, and it would be more of a hassle to see her / host her? Before my MIL moved to our state, she had started visiting more than 4 times/year for a week at a time ... it's nicer now that she's here and not staying overnight in my house, you know?

It might be better to disengage a bit -- see her less, send your husband to her house to visit (with the kids, without you), put your husband in charge of meals or do delivery. Whatever it takes to remove a stressor.

You could also try making a game of it, a MIL bingo of her most common complaints. When you get bingo during her visit, you get to remember an errand upstairs for a bit.

OP here. Thanks for your reply. I've definitely thought about what a nightmare it would be to have her visit for a week at a time. She stayed with us for two nights when her house lost power, and we still, 5 years later, talk about that dark period. She was unhinged in her opinions and nosiness and general persona. She hung her underwear up in our bathroom. She asked my husband if he has any of his paycheck stubs that she could look at. She told us we needed to take care of her 'just like you are now' when she gets old. She was just insane. I get stressed out thinking about it. She's 10 minutes away now, so no overnights.

Your post just makes me anxious! I think your mil is depressed and anxious and needs friends. My parents would throw a fit if I told them they needed to visit with my mil at her house when they come to visit me. She's way too involved and interested in your lives.

If this was my mother (not mil) I would tell her flat out that she doesn't seem happy to me and that she needs to develop her own interests, activities, friends and possibly get on antidepressants. I'm able to discuss things nicely with my family. If this were my mil I'd be in the same predicament as you because dh would never say a word.

Disengage, and have dh take on more of the communication with her. Let him take the kids alone for visits. Don't take her calls, don't call her back. Stand down on the relationship, let your dh handle it.

What you're feeling seems very reasonable, but would moving actually help? Wouldn't she just complain more, and it would be more of a hassle to see her / host her? Before my MIL moved to our state, she had started visiting more than 4 times/year for a week at a time ... it's nicer now that she's here and not staying overnight in my house, you know?

It might be better to disengage a bit -- see her less, send your husband to her house to visit (with the kids, without you), put your husband in charge of meals or do delivery. Whatever it takes to remove a stressor.

You could also try making a game of it, a MIL bingo of her most common complaints. When you get bingo during her visit, you get to remember an errand upstairs for a bit.

OP, really? I don't think you've thought this through. Moving will only escalate her cause(s) for complaints. I think you just learn how to handle her better as in not take it so seriously. Because you won't change her. You can only change the way you respond to her. So when she complains that it has been "forever" since she's seen the kids, just smile and say, "well, we're certainly glad you're here now!" and walk away. And, yes, I had a difficult MIL (she is deceased now). Frankly, she makes your MIL sound like an angel. But she loved her son and she loved our kids so I went along to get along. I don't think she ever had any idea how I felt about her, and neither did/does her son (my husband). As long as she isn't physically or emotionally abusing anyone then I think you adapt, adapt, adapt. Life is too short to give her so much control over you. Take it back.

OP here. I should also mention that I think it's a very real possibility that even if we left, MIL would 'announce' that she'll be following us for whatever reason she comes up with. She has nothing else (no social circle, no church, no job, no real friends, no other family. All she has is us, and DH's divorced sibling who has stated intentions of moving away again in 2 years.)

The thought of moving away and then having MIL try to follow us makes me nervous.

We moved for work, but the added benefit was some distance between me and my family, and they don't sound as terrible as your MIL. It's been great and every time I come back I remember why I left. Go for it.

I think about this more than what's considered healthy. My MIL is the only major thorn in our marriage. She wants to know everything about our finances, she treats me like I stole her baby from her, and the amount of guilt she puts on us to get together often is more than I care to bear anymore. I have been an incredibly respectful DIL, we see her every couple of weeks, we see her for all calendar occasions, we have her over and prepare nice meals, etc. But it's never enough for her. She is constantly reminding us how it's been 'forever' since this or that, or how everything we do needs to become an annual tradition, or how she doesn't want the grandkids to forget her, or how disrespectful it is if my family comes to town to visit us, but doesn't visit her.

Long story short - I'm getting to the point where I want to just leave. Move away. I'm tired of it. My husband handles her really well, but he thinks I'm crazy for even talking about leaving because of her. Have any of you done it? Did it help? I just want one less person in this world breathing down my back. I keep thinking that perhaps distance makes the heart grow fonder.

My husband's sibling used to live up north, and moved down here a few years ago to be closer to her. The pressure on them was relentless, their relationship sort of deteriorated, and they just got divorced. I can't help but wonder if it was living near her that contributed. They had other issues, but it got so much worse here. Anyways, just venting. And looking for words of wisdom.

Surely it's not healthy that my greatest fantasy involves uprooting the kids from the neighborhood we love and moving away from MIL.