Anonymous wrote:That was not "a bombshell"

How so? Definitely was a shock to me.

That was not "a bombshell"

OP, she sounds like she was making herself feel better by putting you down. If I were you, I'd drop her. She's not worth your time or energy - she's certainly not your friend.

Please walk away from her. How ridiculous of her to even contact you ti then say why she hasn’t contacted you. What would you tell a good friend if the situation was reversed? Walk away with confidence. Yes sister the 50s are indeed hard. Walk away from bullshit.

Wow, she's awful. I had a falling out with a friend and many years went by with no contact (mutual) but when my mom died suddenly, she reached out and I was really touched -- we slowly rekindled the friendship and never discussed what went wrong. We just agreed that we were just happy we'd reconnected.

Making a point of getting together to let you know that she's been purposefully ignoring you for 10 years, including the death of your mom, is amazingly obnoxious. It says a lot more about her than whatever minor transgression you supposedly committed.

To bring it up after all that time, be snide about you not being able to recall the issue, and STILL not tell you the specifics? That you didn't just get up and walk away says you're nicer than I am. Some people aren't worth it.

Anonymous wrote:You know what?

Screw her.

Whatever foul you committed 10 years ago is nothing compared to a decade of passive-aggressive pouting.

She's really batty!

She’s not worth your mental energy. She wasn’t and isn’t capable of being a true friend. Honestly, it’s not worth a second thought - you can’t control how she perceives or reacts to things, not her distorted way of thinking. It’s not worth it, just let it go.

Anonymous wrote:What a long time to hold a grudge. It was petty of her not to reach out when your mom passed.

OP here. I had a blow up with a friend when in our late 20s. I blew him off for a year, then woke up one day and basically said, "WTF am I doing? Whatever he did is minor compared to our friendship." So lucky he accepted my apologies.

She was immature. Either she should have let it go "I've screwed up, I guess Diane gets to screw up once in a while too" or said something to you right when it happened, "Hey I was really hurt that when I told you DH was working at a widget factory you both laughed in our faces."

To bring it up years later was super lame of her. Don't apologize for this again.

Not really a friend.

Anonymous wrote:You know what?

Screw her.

Whatever foul you committed 10 years ago is nothing compared to a decade of passive-aggressive pouting.

Okay, so I'm not nuts here. My self confidence has taken a few hits these last few years, so don't always trust my gut reactions. FWIW, can totally understand being hurt, not reaching out, etc. I guess my take away is that I valued the friendship - the highs and the lows - more than her, that she was willing to bail and not even share why.

Is that ghosting?

What a long time to hold a grudge. It was petty of her not to reach out when your mom passed.

She sounds awful. Passive aggressive and selfish and rude. I'm sorry that you found out your old friend is not a friend after all, but I don't think you should devote any more mental energy to feeling bad about it.

You know what?

Screw her.

Whatever foul you committed 10 years ago is nothing compared to a decade of passive-aggressive pouting.

Old friend, who had not been in touch for years, pinged me and asked if we could get coffee while in DC for a conference. Was thrilled as I had not heard from her for nearly ten years, even after the death of my mom, a sibling, and a few other major crises. Coffee was amiable enough - caught up a bit on life changes, especially a lot of about what had happened to her. We lead very different lives - she had a lot of opinions on my parenting, but I didn't think so much of it as have BTDT with others. Then she drops bombshell that she had been out of touch as she believed DH and I had been rude to her and her boyfriend (now DH) when they had visited for a conference nearly ten years ago. I did not remember the incident and felt terrible about it. She said she thought it was more DH, but that the whole thing had been rude and she saw no reason to contact me. She acknowledged that she had received emails from me over the years when I had sent congratulations on some professional accomplishments, etc but elected not to respond.

I apologized profusely. I told her I didn't remember this visit (have no recollection of her BF ever staying with us), but still felt bad that this happened - that it was entirely plausible. Both kids were under 5 if her chronology is correct, but I didn't say, "I'm sure I messed up a lot of times when I was exhausted when they were young." She told me she expected I would not remember - I chose to not ask her what that meant.

Left the coffee feeling bad about what had happened and apologized again. On the metro home, I turned the years over in my head. I was deeply, deeply hurt that she did not reach out when my mom died, mainly because I did a lot of the organizing for her mom's memorial service, from food to ferrying guests to cleaning her family house. She never thanked me for it, though I didn't think about it that much at the time. She was in pain, her family is not so functional, and that's what friends do. Now I am sort of dumbstruck - would it have been too hard to just email "sorry about your mom"? When we lived in DC in our early and mid 20s, she would have an occasional grievance, yet have little to no insight about her own conduct in other situations and how her actions may also hurt me or others. FWIW, I was a lot more looped into her life than she into mine. My family (parents, etc) had/have their issues and most UMC folks, even middle class, don't understand them. I learned a long time ago to not talk too much about them unless the person grokked it.

I have had a lot of challenges over the last eight years - the 50s are not easy! - it was nice to see her and hear how she is doing. Yet I also feel pretty crappy now. She didn't really ask many questions and when she did, felt like she was kind of judgy in her responses. Am now wondering if she asked to meet just to clear the air, then move on. I guess that's fine. Now realizing if I were to do such a thing, I hope I would bring a little more grace and perspective to the conversation.