No, she was always outgoing and confident. DS who was shy, is still why at college.

I think you can help coach your kid a little. It won't change their personality, but for some kids, new things are much easier if you help them out and practice beforehand.

As in, practice what she should say to join a new game at recess, how to make some small talk, how to stand up for herself if not being treated well. Your child may never be a social butterfly, but making them get a little out of their comfort zone when young (with support) gives them important social skills.

DS was shy and somewhat socially awkward until 9th grade. He actually says now that he figured out in 9th grade that several things he did (talking at great length about obscure hobbies, bragging about sports prowess) were very offputting to other kids, so he stopped doing them and suddenly it was easy to make friends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Opposite for my DS, who was very outgoing until MS, then withdrew and became very timid. Third year of MS now and he’s just starting to be less timid. As he’s come out of his shell, he has made friends, and as he’s made friends, he’s gotten more courage.

Last summer we put him in Outward Bound and had him travel three times alone internationally (we live in a non-English speaking country, so sent him to US for OB, school trip, and another camp in the UK) to help develop confidence. He still does therapy once a week (anxiety & depression). He also recently earned a black belt in his martial art.

And we (as a family) tried a lot of new things over the past year (surfing lessons, self-imposed food challenges, etc.), all with a mind to demonstrate imperfection as part of the learning process (for all of us), inspire risk taking, and quite frankly, to take a break from the fear of all the things he “knows he can’t do.” This is such a work in progress still..

OP here. Thanks, PP. My DS is perfectionistic and I'm a little worried that may be either a precursor of or symptom of anxiety.

I'm trying to figure out how to get him to take more risks and become more comfortable with making mistakes. Pi think his shyness has to do wi not wanting to make "mistakes" in social interactions and a fear of someone not liking him.

Hi OP. I'm a new poster. My DD was very shy all the way through 3rd grade. She also had selective mutism (like another PP said they had) but we didn't know it. Turns out she also had ADHD and anxiety, which again, we didn't pick up on until 5th grade when we finally put a lot of pieces together and realized there was something else going on here besides just shyness. I'm not rushing to diagnose your child at all, please don't read it that way. I'm just trying to say keep an eye on things, and don't be afraid to get some outside opinions if you start to worry that this is more than shyness. What finally did it for us was the realization that DD a) was doing badly in school; b) was lacking social skills and didn't have many friends; c) was extremely impulsive and immature (she was way more immature than her brother, who is 2.5 years younger); and d) had no interests/hobbies at all. My point is if other concerns start to wrap around the shyness, then you should look into things and see if there is an underlying reason.

FWIW, I was HORRIBLY shy all the way through college. I'm a very outgoing confident 45 year old now. When I tell my friends that I was shy and anxious as a kid, they can't believe it.

My very shy preschooler is now a moderately shy 16 year old. She has a great group of friends and is perfectly willing to talk to teachers and other adults as needed. She's a great kid, makes great grades, and is happy. Not everyone is going to be outgoing, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with being shy.

PP. Perhaps you can help me understand DS better, I'm an extrovert, and to a certain extent, I don't really understand shyness.

You say that you are comfortable in your own skin, but you are still shy. The two seem also contradictory to me, if you are comfortable with yourself, what makes you feel shy around others?

He may never be outgoing, and that's okay. Maybe start accepting that, and he'll be able to accept it in himself.

I was painfully shy as a kid. I blossomed in college and went to law school, and have a great career/husband/friends/life. But I still am fairly shy, and that's unlikely to change. I am comfortable with that and in my own skin, so I'd focus more on that.

Anonymous wrote:Opposite for my DS, who was very outgoing until MS, then withdrew and became very timid. Third year of MS now and he’s just starting to be less timid. As he’s come out of his shell, he has made friends, and as he’s made friends, he’s gotten more courage.

Last summer we put him in Outward Bound and had him travel three times alone internationally (we live in a non-English speaking country, so sent him to US for OB, school trip, and another camp in the UK) to help develop confidence. He still does therapy once a week (anxiety & depression). He also recently earned a black belt in his martial art.

And we (as a family) tried a lot of new things over the past year (surfing lessons, self-imposed food challenges, etc.), all with a mind to demonstrate imperfection as part of the learning process (for all of us), inspire risk taking, and quite frankly, to take a break from the fear of all the things he “knows he can’t do.” This is such a work in progress still..

OP here. Thanks, PP. My DS is perfectionistic and I'm a little worried that may be either a precursor of or symptom of anxiety.

I'm trying to figure out how to get him to take more risks and become more comfortable with making mistakes. Pi think his shyness has to do wi not wanting to make "mistakes" in social interactions and a fear of someone not liking him.

When my highschooler was in K-3 I felt like she didn't 'click' with the other kids. Not shy, exactly, but no close friends and often played alone on the playground. Now she is very outgoing and more like a social butterfly. I have no idea how that happened.

My middle schooler always seemed happy to mix it up with the other kids. Joined groups easily. Didn't seem dissuaded by not being 'invited' into a game. She now has a couple of close friends but I wouldn't call her outgoing at all. I suspect that when she was young it didn't cross her mind to wonder if others might now want her to join their playgroup or whatever, but over time, she figured that out...

Opposite for my DS, who was very outgoing until MS, then withdrew and became very timid. Third year of MS now and he’s just starting to be less timid. As he’s come out of his shell, he has made friends, and as he’s made friends, he’s gotten more courage.

Last summer we put him in Outward Bound and had him travel three times alone internationally (we live in a non-English speaking country, so sent him to US for OB, school trip, and another camp in the UK) to help develop confidence. He still does therapy once a week (anxiety & depression). He also recently earned a black belt in his martial art.

And we (as a family) tried a lot of new things over the past year (surfing lessons, self-imposed food challenges, etc.), all with a mind to demonstrate imperfection as part of the learning process (for all of us), inspire risk taking, and quite frankly, to take a break from the fear of all the things he “knows he can’t do.” This is such a work in progress still..

My experience was the opposite. DD was a very outgoing kindergartener but very introverted by MS. Still introverted in HS. DS was also very extroverted in K. Now that he's in MS, he's more reserved in new situations but very social once comfortable.

Personally, I was extroverted very young, shy in HS but became much more extroverted again in college.

My once really outgoing 3/4 year old has become more reserved over the years but is certainly not shy.

My other child has grown more outgoing every year.

Both are more outgoing than either of their parents.

We credit the huge number of different summer camps they have attended over the years.

I was shy at age 5 and extroverted as a teen, I had selective mutism which I outgrew in middle school.

Is your DS 5 years old now? I vote for leaving him be. My now 14 yo DS is very outgoing and confident, but up until about 4 or 5 was very shy and a real mamma's boy. My now-10 yo DD was shy too when little, although more confident than her brother. And while she's still more reserved, she's grown more out-going. I wouldn't worry about it now.

And if he was, what helped him change?

Wondering if there's anything I can do to help shy DS become more outgoing and comfortable with himself.