Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are breaking up because he is abusive it's very important.

If you are just breaking up because it didn't work out... I think no contact is not necessary for the 1st 6 weeks. If you love each other you support each other through the breakup.

Um, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's what friends, Netflix and Ben&Jerry's are for. You don't support each other through your own breakup. That's just asking for more heartache and backsliding. Just no.

It worked for me for both my breakups in my 20s that didn't work out.

The guys that are jerks I dumped and never looked back.

Maybe all you breakups were with jerks.

My BF in college was the kindest breaker upper. He called my monthly to say nice positive things. Nothing to get back together just kind words. He moved I didn't so no really hard feeling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are breaking up because he is abusive it's very important.

If you are just breaking up because it didn't work out... I think no contact is not necessary for the 1st 6 weeks. If you love each other you support each other through the breakup.

Um, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's what friends, Netflix and Ben&Jerry's are for. You don't support each other through your own breakup. That's just asking for more heartache and backsliding. Just no.

It worked for me for both my breakups in my 20s that didn't work out.

The guys that are jerks I dumped and never looked back.

Maybe all you breakups were with jerks.

My BF in college was the kindest breaker upper. He called my monthly to say nice positive things. Nothing to get back together just kind words. He moved I didn't so no really hard feeling.

Anonymous wrote:If you are breaking up because he is abusive it's very important.

If you are just breaking up because it didn't work out... I think no contact is not necessary for the 1st 6 weeks. If you love each other you support each other through the breakup.

Um, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's what friends, Netflix and Ben&Jerry's are for. You don't support each other through your own breakup. That's just asking for more heartache and backsliding. Just no.

If you are breaking up because he is abusive it's very important.

If you are just breaking up because it didn't work out... I think no contact is not necessary for the 1st 6 weeks. If you love each other you support each other through the breakup.

Perspective. In a breakup, the ultimate ideal outcome is to get used to your life without that person in it, or at least, only being in it in a very diminished capacity (unless you have shared kids, I would think that co-parenting does not qualify as diminished capacity, but even then, it's a very different capacity.)

Point being, in order to get used to someone being out of your life, or at minimum being in a very reduced role in your life, you need them to actually BE out of your life to adjust to the new reality.

I had to finally do that with an ex bf. Dated very seriously. Saw each other often afterwards 1) bc of mutual friends 2) bc ocassionally would still go out (ugh). Even went on two weekend trips with friends.

Something clicked on the second of those trips. We drove home together (ugh), and i promised I wouldn't talk about US. It was miserable bc I still loved him.

On the night we got home, it all hit me. I would never move on if it continued. And nothing was going to bring us back. I called him in the middle of the night saying I never wanted to talk to him again. Deleted his number. Saw him ALL the time, again bc of friends, BUT treated him like a wall. The purpose wasn't to treat him badly, but to truly move on.

Over the next months, I made new friends, moved (it was a good time to move anyway). The lifelong friends i 'left behind' were still truly in my life. They just knew I'd hang out only without him. Or just talk and chat on the phone anytime.

After that, the healing was exponential. I kicked myself for waiting that long. However, I wouldn't have known until the moment I made the decision anyway.

So I dont say it has to happen to move on. It doesn't. In my case, over months, I realized it was the path for me. And it was very, very positive.

Anonymous wrote:You need to disengage so you can break the patterns of spending time with that person, relying on them for your emotional needs and so on. Being with someone can become a habit -- calling them at a certain time each day and the like. Cutting off contact helps you to stop that so both of you can move on and not have at least one you in "maybe we are going to make up" mode.

I think this more than the first paragraph in the PP farther up above. It's more of breaking the patterns. Having them be the person you're used to calling; used to having an automatic fall back fridaynight handout person. You can despise the person you are dating but it still sucks to be suddenly single and have to face braving saturday nights solo again. That sadness can make you gravitate towards wanting to be with your ex again. Much better to cut all ties and move on with your life, lest you fall back into old bad habits.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to give yourself the space and mental break to allow yourself to begin to move on, cut ties, and envision your life without them going forward. If you stay in touch, it (generally) will delay the moving on and getting over them process. You'll continue to invest mental energy in this person (and, often, torture yourself with fantasies that you can get back together and make it work). It's harder to cut contact but much better for you in the long run, in most cases

Exactly.

+1. Also, assuming you are not the one who initiates the breakup, it's the best way to do yourself a favor and maintain your dignity. Not because it really matters what that person thinks, but so you can look back on this likely rough period and feel proud about how you handled yourself (rather than cringing about how you acted a fool or whatever).

+ a million to both comments

You can only be friends when both of you would be happy when they found a SO. If finding out they are madly in love with another bothers you, not ready to be friends.

You need to disengage so you can break the patterns of spending time with that person, relying on them for your emotional needs and so on. Being with someone can become a habit -- calling them at a certain time each day and the like. Cutting off contact helps you to stop that so both of you can move on and not have at least one you in "maybe we are going to make up" mode.

Because one needs to heal first in order to fully move on.

Staying in touch w/someone you once loved very much (and perhaps still do) whole separating yourself from them emotionally is too much of a conflict of interest.

Once you have had time to move on from the person, then an actual friendship can exist.

Both sides need to be honest w/each other that all romantic feelings have subsided.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to give yourself the space and mental break to allow yourself to begin to move on, cut ties, and envision your life without them going forward. If you stay in touch, it (generally) will delay the moving on and getting over them process. You'll continue to invest mental energy in this person (and, often, torture yourself with fantasies that you can get back together and make it work). It's harder to cut contact but much better for you in the long run, in most cases

Exactly.

+1. Also, assuming you are not the one who initiates the breakup, it's the best way to do yourself a favor and maintain your dignity. Not because it really matters what that person thinks, but so you can look back on this likely rough period and feel proud about how you handled yourself (rather than cringing about how you acted a fool or whatever).

Anonymous wrote:You need to give yourself the space and mental break to allow yourself to begin to move on, cut ties, and envision your life without them going forward. If you stay in touch, it (generally) will delay the moving on and getting over them process. You'll continue to invest mental energy in this person (and, often, torture yourself with fantasies that you can get back together and make it work). It's harder to cut contact but much better for you in the long run, in most cases

Exactly.

You need to give yourself the space and mental break to allow yourself to begin to move on, cut ties, and envision your life without them going forward. If you stay in touch, it (generally) will delay the moving on and getting over them process. You'll continue to invest mental energy in this person (and, often, torture yourself with fantasies that you can get back together and make it work). It's harder to cut contact but much better for you in the long run, in most cases

Why??