Interesting. I noticed that all my childhood friends (I grew up MC to UMC) that had 3 or 4 siblings, the youngest kid end up messed up.

This happened in 6 out of 6 families that I knew. Specifically, got pregnant at young age out of wedlock, never went to college, still haven't matured in their 30's, underemployed, still relying on family for help (babysitting, money, other favors)

I'm not sure if it's because the parents loosened the rules with them or were too exhausted to have high expectations, or everyone in the family (including older siblings) spoiled them, but they all ended up very irresponsible.

I'll have far, far more than my siblings will ever have. It is just the way it goes.

Anonymous wrote:It's fine. Money isn't everything. My brother makes a ton more than I do, but he also works 80 hours a week and is unbelievably stressed from the prospect of his business' failing.

I'd much rather be the turtle, slow and steady, who makes it to the finish line. No amount of money is worth that type of stress to me. That's what makes it much easier to bear when he goes on 5 or 6 vacations a year to Florida, etc. Would I like that? Sure. But I learned a long time ago that if you envy one aspect of someone's life, you need to be willing to take on all aspects of that life, the bad stuff too. The good bits don't happen in a vacuum.

this

OP why is it worse to grow up upper middle class and lose that “status” than to grow up poor and stay poor?

I ask because I grew up very poor in rural America with divirced parents and a dad that didn’t pay child support. We were on welfare, food stamps, housing assistance and anything else you can think of. My mom raised us as a single parent with government assistance and no help from dad. she worked part time for a while but then switched to going to college. She made it through college by attending classs when we were in school and studying after we were home and on weekends. She took us to the final exams and had friends watch us outside the room she was taking the exam. Mom got a good job, off welfare, and into the middle class (now upper middle class). Clinton changed welfare so now you must work to receive it and there are more limits to how long you can receive it. Under the new system we would still be poor.

I feel bad for people that fall from the upper middle class but it isn’t like they can’t recover if they put in the work.

Anonymous wrote:It's fine. Money isn't everything. My brother makes a ton more than I do, but he also works 80 hours a week and is unbelievably stressed from the prospect of his business' failing.

I'd much rather be the turtle, slow and steady, who makes it to the finish line. No amount of money is worth that type of stress to me. That's what makes it much easier to bear when he goes on 5 or 6 vacations a year to Florida, etc. Would I like that? Sure. But I learned a long time ago that if you envy one aspect of someone's life, you need to be willing to take on all aspects of that life, the bad stuff too. The good bits don't happen in a vacuum.

EXACTLY, My DH makes pretty good money, but he is required to work most holidays and many nights. Great he is home during the day, and I am a SAHM but some people are envious and don't get that. Some people that see us during the day, hanging out together, think we are independently wealthy and HE does housework... lol
There are always trade-offs

OP, anyone can suffer trauma or suffer a health setback either physical or mental. Sometimes the (bad) luck of draw is not birth order.

Sometimes it's hanging out with the wrong crowd and making poor choices, having an undiagnosed LD, being the victim of bulling, getting raped. Fill in the blank.

Families that draw lines over who makes what have bigger problems than money.

Anonymous wrote:It's fine. Money isn't everything. My brother makes a ton more than I do, but he also works 80 hours a week and is unbelievably stressed from the prospect of his business' failing.

I'd much rather be the turtle, slow and steady, who makes it to the finish line. No amount of money is worth that type of stress to me. That's what makes it much easier to bear when he goes on 5 or 6 vacations a year to Florida, etc. Would I like that? Sure. But I learned a long time ago that if you envy one aspect of someone's life, you need to be willing to take on all aspects of that life, the bad stuff too. The good bits don't happen in a vacuum.

+1. DH's sister and her husband both work very demanding lucrative careers. My DH has a fairly lucrative but lifestyle job (40 hours/week, lots of vacation and flexibility) and I SAH. We each have two small children. I wouldn't trade with them for anything. No need to feel sorry for us - we're quite happy!

Anonymous wrote:I've noticed that it often happens such that of 3 siblings 2 end up with promising careers and wealth and one gets left behind or one from a group of well-to-do siblings ends up poor. I can't imagine how difficult these situations must be.

I don't think expeiencing wealth disparity within a family is easy to bear. I know a lady who grew up upper middle class and then fell into a LMC existence when her father unexpectedly died. Her older siblings were old enough to establish themselves in an UMc lifestyle but she was too young and traumatized by her fathers death. She spent her youth drinking and partying and finally whacked up with a LMC man without a college education and trailer trash roots. She got him to cut off ties with his family and she isnt on speaking terms with her own siblings. When you hear her talk you'd know she never got over losing her status.

How do you avoid ending up like her? How do you deal with the wealth disparity with grace?

Wrong. What about torture and war and painful diseases?

Different levels of income can be awkward but definitely not traumatizing, unless you've lived in a bubble and are the wealthy side of the family

Such a weird question. Losing status? People just don't talk like thta

in my family, I have the lower economic bracket lifestyle mostly because I had children and my brothers didn't. Also one brother had a lucrative career and the other brother is manipulative and has managed to get more than his share of money out of our parents.

For some, this may be about choice. The choice to drink, use drugs and waste money. The choice to go for a less stressful job. The choice to follow a passion that is not lucrative. But for some, it comes down to ability. Not everyone has the ability to go to college. Not every person who takes the route of a trade has the ability to move into management or eventually hang a shingle.

When I was growing up, things like ADHD were considered behavior problems and kids, like my younger brothers, who suffered from these conditions were left behind. Now as older adults, they have jobs, but they never had the opportunities that were available to kids who didn't suffer from special needs. Now, we do better with kids with special needs, but even with all of the services and accommodations in the world, some kids aren't going to be able to achieve more than a low paying job because they simply lack the ability.

The thing about wealth disparity is that it doesn't have to be a problem within a family. If you treat everyone with respect and kindness and don't make finances, earnings potential and wealth an issue, there is not a problem to cope with. As PP says, money isn't everything and money isn't going to buy you happiness.

It's fine. Money isn't everything. My brother makes a ton more than I do, but he also works 80 hours a week and is unbelievably stressed from the prospect of his business' failing.

I'd much rather be the turtle, slow and steady, who makes it to the finish line. No amount of money is worth that type of stress to me. That's what makes it much easier to bear when he goes on 5 or 6 vacations a year to Florida, etc. Would I like that? Sure. But I learned a long time ago that if you envy one aspect of someone's life, you need to be willing to take on all aspects of that life, the bad stuff too. The good bits don't happen in a vacuum.

I know several families like this including my own and my wife's. But in most cases, the "low man out" made some choice that caused the issue. In my family, my brother and I chose lucrative careers that we were interested in. My sister had a well paying job in her area of talent, but chose to give it up and pursue her passion instead. Both my brother and I have passions, but we chose to explore those in non-professional ways. In my wife's family, her oldest brother chose to work for disability rights for a state government. Laudable, but he's struggled to make ends meet originally in his low paying state job, later in retirement where his retirement benefits are weak. My wife and her other brother both chose more lucrative careers. Both also support disabilities but in more financially stable ways. In most of the instances similar to what you have described, the financially struggling family member made a choice for some principal that has left them living very meager lifestyles.

Easy, you don't drink and party all the time. You get an education and get a job. Go to that job. Live within your means. It's not that hard, but a lot of people feel entitled to "necessities" that really should be luxuries.

I've noticed that it often happens such that of 3 siblings 2 end up with promising careers and wealth and one gets left behind or one from a group of well-to-do siblings ends up poor. I can't imagine how difficult these situations must be.

I don't think expeiencing wealth disparity within a family is easy to bear. I know a lady who grew up upper middle class and then fell into a LMC existence when her father unexpectedly died. Her older siblings were old enough to establish themselves in an UMc lifestyle but she was too young and traumatized by her fathers death. She spent her youth drinking and partying and finally whacked up with a LMC man without a college education and trailer trash roots. She got him to cut off ties with his family and she isnt on speaking terms with her own siblings. When you hear her talk you'd know she never got over losing her status.

How do you avoid ending up like her? How do you deal with the wealth disparity with grace?