I don't have the easiest relationship with my mom but I will do a lot to make her an my dad happy. Same with my inlaws. They are all really good people. Worked hard to raise me and dh and do a lot now to help maintain a food relationship. They are really the only people I can truly depend on. Surely I have friends but they are all busy with their lives. Our families are there and have helped in many crises. Now I sacrifice some fun weekend time to make sure everyone sees their only grandchild and we vacation with them and help where we can. I fully expect to shoulder some burden on their older age as well.
Don't get me wrong, I gripe and vent about mom and mil being very silly and unreasonable sometimes but I know they mean well and it's a difference in expectations and outlook.
I couldn't care less what someone (dcum posting notwithstanding) thinks I'm doing, minimum or whatever. Dh and I are doing what we think we should for our families.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for your replies so far. I should clarify - I am talking about at the point where they really start to need care because they can't drive, are isolated, forget medications, have difficulty paying bills, etc.

At that point is it all about obligation or does part of you want to make sure they feel loved and looked after during that period?

No, it is not all about obligation and I would totally want them to feel loved and looked after.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for your replies so far. I should clarify - I am talking about at the point where they really start to need care because they can't drive, are isolated, forget medications, have difficulty paying bills, etc.

At that point is it all about obligation or does part of you want to make sure they feel loved and looked after during that period?

Does the distinction matter? It seems all part and parcel together.

My parents are gone now. I miss them so much. I would do anything to have one last chance to make them happy! I think and hope I did make them happy. I called, visited, wrote etc. etc. and yet it pales in comparison to what they did for me. I hope they knew of my gratitude and devotion to them. Please make your parents happy. One day, when you don't have the choice, you will be glad you did.

OP here - thank you for your replies so far. I should clarify - I am talking about at the point where they really start to need care because they can't drive, are isolated, forget medications, have difficulty paying bills, etc.

At that point is it all about obligation or does part of you want to make sure they feel loved and looked after during that period?

I care about my dad a lot, but sadly we are estranged (for reasons that are mainly--though it is hard for me to fully discern/understand--due to his second wife's wishes and meddling).

So, yeah, I wish I could have a relationship with my dad, but I have finally accepted that I have, after years of rebuffed effort, finally begun to do what he seems to want: I've stopped trying to re-establish a place in his life. It seems that what makes him happy is his new family, with no presence or reminders of his deceased first wife's kid.

But I wish it were different. If I had a relationship with my dad, I would do whatever was in my power to make him happy as he aged.

I also posted yesterday about my grandpa's cancer. This issue has somehow deeply affected even more because I see my dad in my grandpa, and know I would not be kept up to date or included if my dad were to become seriously ill.

My parents, absolutely. They have always been there for me, my husband, and children. They'd give and do anything.

My ILs, no. They are greedy and self-important. We can't count on them for anything. My husband shares my sentiments.

I took care of my dad when he was old. I don't think that's quite the same thing as your phrasing. I used to drive to NY from DC with my toddler about once a month to check on him, cook him food, make sure his bills were dealt with, clean his house, etc. Not sure how happy it made him, but it felt like what I needed to/was supposed to do.

? DCUM threads NEVER end!

I care a lot about making my parents happy. I wouldn't pay for them though. They are very nice helpful people.

I don't believe in making other people happy. Some people will never be happy - and all of us as individuals are responsible for our own hapiness.

That said, I believe in being nice to people. If your parents are not abusive (to kids, or you and spouse) then I do think it's important to be nice to them, and allow them to spend time with their grandkids, and to try and help them out when possible.

Not to make them happy - but to be kind. Kindness to others makes ourselves happy.

I care about them a lot, but there are certain things I won't do. I won't help with my mom's boyfriend because he was her AP. I won't prefer one parent over the other. Being an adult child of aging divorced parents can be complicated and it is hard to juggle the needs, let alone the wants, of both.

For my mom, I would have done anything. Only my dad is alive now. I want him to be happy, but what would make him really happy is if I hosted him more often and brought my kid to where he lives ever. For various reasons, I'm not really interested in doing that.

I care deeply about my mom being safe, healthy and happy. She was and is an incredible woman, mother, and grandmother, and she deserves the best. This is not about fulfilling an obligation or looking "good" to anyone else.

If my father was alive in his old age (he died about 10 years ago) he could die in a gutter for all I care.

Or do you just want to do the bare minimum to avoid feeling guilty and looking bad in front of others?

Please answer honestly! I have a secret reason for asking, I'll reveal it at the end of the thread. Thanks so much!