Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every 4 or 5 months I feel like my DD and I aren't connected as much as we need to. I'll take her out for a drink (boba, Starbucks, whatever) and we'll talk. "What's up with Erin?" "What happened to that boy who was annoying you in math?" "Are you and Cole still friends?" These types of questions get her talking.

Ugh. That sounds terrible. My mom still asks me this kind of nosy stuff at almost 40 and it makes me not want to share anything.

Luckily my daughter and I are close enough that she would tell me if she felt like I was being intrusive rather than interested in her friends.

Anonymous wrote:Not much advice, just an old quote from my own mother that seems to have held true for me when raising my teens:

If teenagers don't "hate" you at some point, you're probably doing something wrong as a parent. They'll most likely realize you're not the stupidest and most annoying person on the planet sometime around their mid-20's and go back to being fairly decent to get along with.

... so there IS hope?!! (not OP, but another parent with limited relationship with teen.... although I find her peers and few friends to be lovely young people).

When you say your DH is "really into them favoring him," what do you mean? What is he doing that gets their "favor"?

If he's just buying stuff and driving them around, that's one thing. But if he's asking questions, listening to their responses, and actively trying to build a relationship with them, that's quite another.

The big difference between littles and teens is that parents of teens really do have to work at building the relationship. It ain't easy to set boundaries and attune to feelings, and with some kids doing both is REALLY challenging.

Start thinking about what you can control and change: that's you. How do you show up in your parenting? How do you put your values into practice every day?

Anonymous wrote:Every 4 or 5 months I feel like my DD and I aren't connected as much as we need to. I'll take her out for a drink (boba, Starbucks, whatever) and we'll talk. "What's up with Erin?" "What happened to that boy who was annoying you in math?" "Are you and Cole still friends?" These types of questions get her talking.

Ugh. That sounds terrible. My mom still asks me this kind of nosy stuff at almost 40 and it makes me not want to share anything.

I remember when I was a teen my dad always took interest in what I was interested in. Weather it was a tv show or video game he always was willing to listen and learn. I’m sure he was bored when I would go on and on about some ridiculous 14 yr old drama, but he never let on. To this day we have an amazing relationship that I will never have with my mom.

Every 4 or 5 months I feel like my DD and I aren't connected as much as we need to. I'll take her out for a drink (boba, Starbucks, whatever) and we'll talk. "What's up with Erin?" "What happened to that boy who was annoying you in math?" "Are you and Cole still friends?" These types of questions get her talking.

Is really a 'hate' situation, or one in which they just prefer the parent that's the same sex? Or the parent that wasn't the bad guy growing up? I see that a lot in my friend group. It seems like if the mom has been the bad guy disciplinarian growing up, the kids want to avoid her as teens because they fear getting in trouble.

I know growing up, I always did things with my mom and my brother always did things with my dad. Unless it was shopping for school clothes, my brother just didn't hang out with my mom once he reached maybe age 12. Same with my dad and I.

I've tried to avoid this split with my own kids by sometimes just having to fake interest in something to hang out with them. I'm not a fan of professional soccer, but my son is, so I fake it and go to games with him. My husband isn't a fan of musicals, but our daughter is, so he'll take her to see one and let her tell him all about it and the people in it, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Not much advice, just an old quote from my own mother that seems to have held true for me when raising my teens:

If teenagers don't "hate" you at some point, you're probably doing something wrong as a parent. They'll most likely realize you're not the stupidest and most annoying person on the planet sometime around their mid-20's and go back to being fairly decent to get along with.

While I agree with this, you also need to work hard to build a better relationship outside of the tough stuff. Try to find things to laugh about together. Take an interest in their hobbies and interests, no matter how stupid they may seem to you. (I have no real interest in the videos my daughter wants to show me on instagram. Yet I try to remember that it's great that she wants to show them to ME.) Things are going much better at our house since I tried to relax just a little, let down my guard, and find ways to enjoy their company. Take each teenager out to dinner alone once in a while. Let the kid choose the place. Keep your expectations low. Just a few minutes of good conversation is fine. Find a show to watch together. Absolutely anything will do. Just gives you some common points of reference and maybe some laughs.

All of this has seemed to make them like me more after what I thought was a REALLY rocky start to our teen/adult relationships. In the end, I want them to be happy, successful, competent adults, but I also want them to have some good memories of their family life.

Good luck. It's so hard to have teenagers.

Constructive input: Avoid lecturing. Know which hills are worth dying on. Have a thick skin. This too will pass.

My advice would be different based on whether they are actively rude towards you (eye rolling, snide tone of voice and snippy replies when speaking to you, obvious ignoring when you speak to them or tell them to do something, etc.) or just kind of disengaged and not really interested in spending time with you.

One would be unacceptable to me, whereas the second seems fairly normal for teens and I think it's reasonable for every individual person to get to decide how much work they want to put into maintaining a relationship with anyone else.

You are probably doing your job and DH is trying to be their friend.

I think unless they need you for something or unless you have an offer that is too good to refuse, it's probably pretty normal. Mine have time for me when they need a ride, when I am planning to go to (and pay for) a movie that they want to see, when they want a new outfit for homecoming, etc. Otherwise they are too busy for me. Only exception is that if they know I am going to the grocery store, everyone wants to come so that I buy the foods they want.

My suggestion is to find something you enjoy together and then offer to make it happen.

Need more info. How much time have you made for them up to now? How do you communicate with them?

Not much advice, just an old quote from my own mother that seems to have held true for me when raising my teens:

If teenagers don't "hate" you at some point, you're probably doing something wrong as a parent. They'll most likely realize you're not the stupidest and most annoying person on the planet sometime around their mid-20's and go back to being fairly decent to get along with.

We have no relationship. They have no time for me. DH is really into them favoring him. Any constructive input?