OP, my son is also in third grade and also has some issues with emotional regulation. He is on the younger end for his grade. I found that what helps is expressing some sympathy, but then sending him into his room to calm down on his own. There's really nothing I can do to help him relax, and if I try to talk to him, reason with him, or fix whatever problem is making him have a tantrum, it tends to escalate things, drag the tantrum out, and make it worse. It is better to let him calm down on his own, and after a relatively short time, he will just look at books or play legos and calm down.

OP, regarding the ADHD points, emotional regulation is one aspect of executive functioning and weak executive functions skills are often the hallmark of ADHD, especially inattentive ADHD. I've read and heard different opinions on whether all executive functioning weakness is ADHD, and I haven't done much research to figure out how correct that may be. (Certainly I would think anxiety can cause the behaviors you're seeing too.) In any event, this is why a number of folks have suggested ADHD.

I have a kid very similar. I can't tell you how much money we've spent on all kinds of evaluations. We currently have 2-3 "diagnoses" - inattentive ADHD, anxiety and giftedness. I put diagnoses in quotes because when you get a kid this complex it's pretty difficult to differentiate between each label and what I'm finding matters most is understanding that you have a kid that's differently wired and is going to need different parenting and schooling than your other kids. What I'm finding most helpful right now is listening to Tilt Parenting podcasts which provide a lot of useful direction - and support! - about how to parent.

OP, I have a child your age and she has plenty of friends, boys and girls, who sometimes have big tantrums at home. Almost all of these friends do well in school and are wonderful children. I know many of the parents well enough to know their children do not have a diagnosis.

There's a lot of stress during the start of the school year so it's not surprising your child would be exhausted by the end of the day at home. Some kids deal with this by curling up in a ball and not talking much. Other kids might act out. It's more stressful to have the externalizing child but it's good a way because it's so clear he's having a hard time and he's sending you a message.

Can you cut back on any activities? Do you think the large class size is the issue? Can you afford to consider a private school with smaller classes? I know at least two kids who switched from a big public to a small private and are thriving.

Another vote for PP's suggestion that the effort of being so perfect at school is more for him than you think, and that by the end of the day when he gets home he is drained and frazzled. This is very common with Aspergers/ADHD kids (and certainly true of mine) but a lot of recent psychological research suggests that self-control is a limited resource (as are decisionmaking and all the other executive functions) for all of us. So you might try and figure out if he's more anxious about school than he lets on for some reason, or maybe has a touch of ADHD that could be treated. Or maybe you just need an adjustment of family routine and expectations to give him more space to decompress after school. Our son needs a ton of alone time and low stress after the effort of getting through the school day so we don't push him much on after school activities etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Screen at KK.

I would agree. OP, more than likely he has ADHD.

I would take Dr. Shapiro's class.

Why would you say that? There are emotional regulation issues that have nothing to do with ADHD. If he is having no focus issues at school, very unlikely.

OP I'd start with a child/family therapist who can do some triage on the disruption at home, as well as do a preliminary evaluation.

Sure there are, but kids with speech delays are often more at risk for ADHD.

Dr. Shapiro's class is pay what you can and give parents tools to deal with the disregulation.

Not true at all. They are more at risk for learning disabilities but not ADHD. If child holds it together at school, he's probably tired and saves it for his parents where it is safe. Or, hungry if he doesn't fully eat his lunch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Screen at KK.

I would agree. OP, more than likely he has ADHD.

I would take Dr. Shapiro's class.

Why would you say that? There are emotional regulation issues that have nothing to do with ADHD. If he is having no focus issues at school, very unlikely.

OP I'd start with a child/family therapist who can do some triage on the disruption at home, as well as do a preliminary evaluation.

Sure there are, but kids with speech delays are often more at risk for ADHD.

Dr. Shapiro's class is pay what you can and give parents tools to deal with the disregulation.

I think maybe anxiety. Kids can hold it together with effort at school or soccer practice, but all the feelings come out at home. My 9 year old has anxiety and ADHD and has really bad tantrums often in the evening, although they usually last less than 30 mins. It is so hard. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Anonymous wrote:I don't know any kids with emotional regulation issues that don't have something else going on. I'm sure there are some, but I think it's pretty common that it's related to another issue.

Well if it's severe enough to impact daily life then sure, there would be a code to attach to it. But there are plenty of people (including children) who are simply more reactive and emotional. There's no harm in finding out, but the best approach IMO is to get help for the behaviors happening at home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Screen at KK.

I would agree. OP, more than likely he has ADHD.

I would take Dr. Shapiro's class.

Why would you say that? There are emotional regulation issues that have nothing to do with ADHD. If he is having no focus issues at school, very unlikely.

OP I'd start with a child/family therapist who can do some triage on the disruption at home, as well as do a preliminary evaluation.

This. He's probably over tired and hungry. You may want to try setting the time limits on the kindle if you haven't to limit it. The kindle is great. We just got one and the timer and controls make it far better than the iPad. We require reading first for 30 minutes.

I don't know any kids with emotional regulation issues that don't have something else going on. I'm sure there are some, but I think it's pretty common that it's related to another issue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Screen at KK.

I would agree. OP, more than likely he has ADHD.

I would take Dr. Shapiro's class.

Why would you say that? There are emotional regulation issues that have nothing to do with ADHD. If he is having no focus issues at school, very unlikely.

OP I'd start with a child/family therapist who can do some triage on the disruption at home, as well as do a preliminary evaluation.

Is it often screen time related? My 3rd grader has blow-ups occasionally, and more often than not they're somehow tied to screen time.

I'd look into this ASAP. If you kid loses it at school and does something to hurt another child or similar, it won't be tolerated at this age.

Anonymous wrote:Screen at KK.

I would agree. OP, more than likely he has ADHD.

I would take Dr. Shapiro's class.

Screen at KK.

My almost 9yo son is a great kid in many ways, but he has always had some difficulties with managing his emotions and either it's getting worse or I'm just getting too old to put up with this.

He is NT but had all kinds of minor issues in his younger years that were all successfully resolved (severe reflux, significant gross motor delays, speech delays, an intense head banging phase as a 2yo.) He also had some behavioral issues at 3yo-4yo; we left 2 preschools as a result of those. Since entering public school in K, he's been a dream in terms of school: he's incredibly respectful of authority and also incredibly eager to learn. His academic skills have gone from nonexistent in K to above grade level, and he's never once had a disciplinary issue at school, on the bus, or in sports or camp.

At home is a totally different matter. He's constantly sparring with his older brother and he becomes totally histrionic if he doesn't get his way. As in screaming, sobbing, making awful dramatic statements, etc. We don't give in, ever, but that doesn't seem to deter him. Today he's sobbed and screamed for several hours over the fact that some dragon game he plays on his Kindle reset itself and obliviated all his dragons. I tried to be sympathetic and tried but failed to fix it, but after a while I get fed up with the hysterics. He obviously can control the behavior - he's never done anything like this at school and even today he went to soccer practice in the middle of having this fit and had a great time, but then came home again and started up again.

Does anyone have any recommendations: books, counselors, tips on what this is or how best to address it? I feel like I have a toddler still and it's just unbelievably draining at this point.