My son does this kind of thing to create some space and privacy regarding a harmless hobby he doesn't want to share with us and i just let him. He doesn't lie about anything that matters.

Your focus is off, OP. Why is she needing as much space as this, and why do you only care about the rule?

I still do this with my mother and I'm 30. She can never let anything go. If she doesn't agree with something I'm doing, she will constantly bring it up at random times. She can't just gather all her thoughts and then share them and be done with it--she stews, and then drops little mini-turds on me over a period of days, weeks, or months. It's exhausting and like death by a thousand cuts. I learned as a teenager that the less I told her the truth about anything, the less ammunition she had. Whether that took the form of outright lies or just not sharing anything depends on the scenario.

Look in the mirror, OP. She is clearly telling you that she feels like a loser, that she is not comfortable sharing her feelings, and that she feels you do not accept her for what/who she is. You must be doing something to cause her to react this way. Are you constantly criticizing? Telling her what she should be doing? Lecturing or giving advice when it wasn't asked for? Once she gets out of the house, your relationship is only going to grow more distant. And she probably can't wait for that day, because it means she won't have to hide anymore.

Anonymous wrote:My DD (14) sometimes starts to do the same thing. Luckily she is a terrible liar so I can always bust her. In the last year or so she's started "testing" me by prefacing confessions with "Don't freak out when i tell you this, but ..." and then I am very careful to not freak out or yell or lecture.

That's cute

Yes, I did that too. My mother was completely overbearing and actually psychologically abusive.

I am now living on a different continent and see her once a year for 10 days, which is the longest I can suffer through.

Most teens do this, in an attempt to have their own lives and build a sense of autonomy and privacy. The more overbearing the parent, the more they do it.

Let it go. And understand she's just trying to show you it's time to back off a little. They show us the way as they mature, because we always think of them as our babies. We just have to pay attention.

My DD (14) sometimes starts to do the same thing. Luckily she is a terrible liar so I can always bust her. In the last year or so she's started "testing" me by prefacing confessions with "Don't freak out when i tell you this, but ..." and then I am very careful to not freak out or yell or lecture.

DD's psychologist says not to sweat those little white lies. It's natural for teens to want to please their parents, so they take the path of least resistance. It's easier for her to tell you she's with friends than to say she's alone.

He said not to set kids up to lie. Don't ask questions they can lie about. Tell them the facts you know, don't quiz or interrogate them and make them feel they have to say things that aren't true to please you. What difference does it make if she's at a coffee shop alone or with friends? She's obviously ok.

He suggested never punishing for lying. It won't stop the lying, it makes them better at it. It makes them trust you less. Keep an open dialogue and eventually they'll come around and be more open when they see they can trust you.

If lies are planned, multi layers, involve big cover stories and alibies, and are about safety issues, then address them. Otherwise, no need to engage about the little white lies.

Now, it's on. You to decide what you're going to do to make DD feel like she can tell you things. Why doesn't she feel so judged? Are you harsh and critical? Is she anxious? How can you resolve those things and build some trust?

Anonymous wrote:I did this with my parents and still do, actually, when I know they'll tell me for whatever reason that what I'm doing is wrong and why it's wrong. It's easier to lie than to have to listen to them doubting my choices and preferences.

This was me, too. My mother would have wanted to have a long conversation about how it wasn't normal for me to be sitting around alone, and how I should have activities, and on and on and on. And while my mom would never have reacted with sympathy to a lonely teenager, even if she had, the last thing I wanted to do was bring her in to my private life which she would then want to discuss ad nauseum.

So, maybe she doesn't trust you. Maybe she's just more private about her life than you'd prefer. Maybe she's really troubled. I don't know. Ask her, and try not to make her feel bad about her answer.

Anonymous wrote:I did this with my parents and still do, actually, when I know they'll tell me for whatever reason that what I'm doing is wrong and why it's wrong. It's easier to lie than to have to listen to them doubting my choices and preferences.

This. I was a really good kid. Except the lying. My parents were disappointed by random small things and never wanted to understand that is ok to make mistakes and other choices than them. They didn't let me be anything but perfect so I had to keep the illusion going. It actually got really really bad as I started lying about big things (college classes I took or didn't take etc). We had it out finally at 30 (seriously!) and life is so much better now that I'm not walking on eggshells and being deceitful and that they understand and let me make my choices (I turned out totally ok btw and successful).
Speak to her. Be supportive to be supportive and not only of things you approve of. She needs to feel you listen and value her judgement and then you get to start the conversations about why she's making those choices.

I did this with my parents and still do, actually, when I know they'll tell me for whatever reason that what I'm doing is wrong and why it's wrong. It's easier to lie than to have to listen to them doubting my choices and preferences.

Anonymous wrote:Ok, she sounds as if she is afraid to disappoint you. Have you looked at why she might feel that way?

This. Your focus is WAY off here, OP

That's not exactly a vicious horrible lie, OP.

Ok, she sounds as if she is afraid to disappoint you. Have you looked at why she might feel that way?

You're more concerned about the lying than the fact that she can't talk to you and can't confide in you and doesn't want to share information with you.

Wow.

16 year old DD. For example, a lot of times this summer she'd tell us she was going to hang out with friends but she was really going and sitting alone in a coffee shop- too embarrassed to tell us she didn't have plans so she'd go do that and lie about it.

I'm really just concerned that she can lie straight through her teeth without skipping a beat.