Anonymous
Post 07/24/2017 15:08     Subject: Considering Divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:All that time he didn't know how to show me he loved me, my love for him was dying and it's not coming back. I don't hate him. I like him. I just don't have any romantic or sexual feelings for him and I don't think any amount of counseling or date nights, or vacations will help. It would be an easy decision for me to leave if we didn't have kids -- 11, 9, and 7. How do I do that to them?


I am in much the same situation except I am the DH and my DW doesn't have any romantic or sexual feelings for me (and as that has been abundantly obvious for a long time, right now I don't have any romantic or sexual feelings for her either); counseling, date nights, vacations have not helped; and, we have kids and I don't want to hurt them with a divorce. I am also waffling. Daily life fluctuates between OK, not happy, and occasionally miserable. My therapist keeps prodding me to make a decision. None of the options look good (divorce, cheat, spend life in sexless/affectionless co-parenting).


Another DH here in the exact situation. I feel like divorce is trading one set of problems for another.

One one hand, I know marriages are cyclical, and its normal to have good times and bad. On the other, the cycles of blah are now the norm. And it takes two people to want to improve the marriage and my DW shows no interest in doing so.

No easy answers here. It sucks to have to choose between being happy and your kids being happy. For now, I choose the kids. I take some comfort in the fact I am a good catch, so if we divorce, I will have no trouble finding love again.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2017 15:04     Subject: Considering Divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been having problems for a while and have been in counseling for almost a year. He says he loves me very much and just didn't know how to show it before. Counseling isn't working for me though. All that time he didn't know how to show me he loved me, my love for him was dying and it's not coming back. I don't hate him. I like him. I just don't have any romantic or sexual feelings for him and I don't think any amount of counseling or date nights, or vacations will help. It would be an easy decision for me to leave if we didn't have kids -- 11, 9, and 7. How do I do that to them? How do I wrap my head around not having them live with me full time? To not share the holidays as a family? To not attend services together every week as a family? To having my DH hate me? I feel so selfish thinking about even leaving. I waffle back and forth constantly. After a nice vacation with the family I think I definitely don't want to leave. But after a few weeks of standard life, I'm back to thinking I can't do this forever. I have been in individual counseling for the last few months and it's not helping me make a decision, I just keep waffling and waffling. Living in a gray world where I'm not happy but not absolutely miserable. Have others in this situation left and been happy? Left and regreted it? Stayed?


You have kids. You stay!


Why?
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2017 15:01     Subject: Considering Divorce
Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been having problems for a while and have been in counseling for almost a year. He says he loves me very much and just didn't know how to show it before. Counseling isn't working for me though. All that time he didn't know how to show me he loved me, my love for him was dying and it's not coming back. I don't hate him. I like him. I just don't have any romantic or sexual feelings for him and I don't think any amount of counseling or date nights, or vacations will help. It would be an easy decision for me to leave if we didn't have kids -- 11, 9, and 7. How do I do that to them? How do I wrap my head around not having them live with me full time? To not share the holidays as a family? To not attend services together every week as a family? To having my DH hate me? I feel so selfish thinking about even leaving. I waffle back and forth constantly. After a nice vacation with the family I think I definitely don't want to leave. But after a few weeks of standard life, I'm back to thinking I can't do this forever. I have been in individual counseling for the last few months and it's not helping me make a decision, I just keep waffling and waffling. Living in a gray world where I'm not happy but not absolutely miserable. Have others in this situation left and been happy? Left and regreted it? Stayed?


You have kids. You stay!
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2017 15:00     Subject: Considering Divorce
Anonymous wrote:I just finished a book: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.

It helped me come to a decision about my marriage.


What was your decision?
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2017 14:53     Subject: Re:Considering Divorce
If you are considering it, read this book. Helped me immensely during my divorce.

https://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Dance-Protect-Emotions-Understand/dp/0692545808

Anonymous
Post 07/24/2017 14:49     Subject: Considering Divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:All that time he didn't know how to show me he loved me, my love for him was dying and it's not coming back. I don't hate him. I like him. I just don't have any romantic or sexual feelings for him and I don't think any amount of counseling or date nights, or vacations will help. It would be an easy decision for me to leave if we didn't have kids -- 11, 9, and 7. How do I do that to them?


I am in much the same situation except I am the DH and my DW doesn't have any romantic or sexual feelings for me (and as that has been abundantly obvious for a long time, right now I don't have any romantic or sexual feelings for her either); counseling, date nights, vacations have not helped; and, we have kids and I don't want to hurt them with a divorce. I am also waffling. Daily life fluctuates between OK, not happy, and occasionally miserable. My therapist keeps prodding me to make a decision. None of the options look good (divorce, cheat, spend life in sexless/affectionless co-parenting).


Hello, me.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2017 14:47     Subject: Considering Divorce
Get yourself screened for depression. And get a full medical physical. Seriously. Make sure your mental and physical health are in order before making any huge decisions.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2017 14:36     Subject: Re:Considering Divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Lucky20 wrote: You are in a very difficult relationship but you need to do what is best for you sometimes.
\

No, that's not true. You have kids- so you don't get to do what's best for you- that is selfish. If you can come back from a vacation and be ok for a few weeks, you can tough it out until the kids are out of high school and KEEP TRYING. You aren't miserable, so you need to hang out in purgatory for the next few years. You can fall back in love, it takes time and effort, but you have to keep trying.


That 7yo won't be out of high school for 10 years. That's a long time in purgatory.

But more to the point. Let's hear from some women who "fell back in love". How did you do that? Keep in mind the OP already said dates and vacations weren't helping. Also, the OP isn't even convinced she wants to try to fall back in love. How does she convince herself of that? If "do it for the kids" was enough, she would already have done that.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2017 14:08     Subject: Considering Divorce
See a financial planner for a reality check. Divorce is expensive. Consider whether you want to deal with his new wife and have half a much time with your grandchildren.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2017 13:56     Subject: Re:Considering Divorce
Lucky20 wrote: You are in a very difficult relationship but you need to do what is best for you sometimes.
\

No, that's not true. You have kids- so you don't get to do what's best for you- that is selfish. If you can come back from a vacation and be ok for a few weeks, you can tough it out until the kids are out of high school and KEEP TRYING. You aren't miserable, so you need to hang out in purgatory for the next few years. You can fall back in love, it takes time and effort, but you have to keep trying.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2017 13:55     Subject: Considering Divorce
I just finished a book: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.

It helped me come to a decision about my marriage.
Lucky20
Post 07/24/2017 13:52     Subject: Re:Considering Divorce
You are in a very difficult relationship but you need to do what is best for you sometimes.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2017 13:51     Subject: Considering Divorce
Anonymous wrote:All that time he didn't know how to show me he loved me, my love for him was dying and it's not coming back. I don't hate him. I like him. I just don't have any romantic or sexual feelings for him and I don't think any amount of counseling or date nights, or vacations will help. It would be an easy decision for me to leave if we didn't have kids -- 11, 9, and 7. How do I do that to them?


I am in much the same situation except I am the DH and my DW doesn't have any romantic or sexual feelings for me (and as that has been abundantly obvious for a long time, right now I don't have any romantic or sexual feelings for her either); counseling, date nights, vacations have not helped; and, we have kids and I don't want to hurt them with a divorce. I am also waffling. Daily life fluctuates between OK, not happy, and occasionally miserable. My therapist keeps prodding me to make a decision. None of the options look good (divorce, cheat, spend life in sexless/affectionless co-parenting).
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2017 12:26     Subject: Considering Divorce
You need to make your own decisions, you situation is different from that of others. Be careful asking for advice from people that are not familiar with your situation, and whose situation you are not familiar with. The grass is not always greener on the other side, however other times it is.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2017 12:19     Subject: Considering Divorce
My DH and I have been having problems for a while and have been in counseling for almost a year. He says he loves me very much and just didn't know how to show it before. Counseling isn't working for me though. All that time he didn't know how to show me he loved me, my love for him was dying and it's not coming back. I don't hate him. I like him. I just don't have any romantic or sexual feelings for him and I don't think any amount of counseling or date nights, or vacations will help. It would be an easy decision for me to leave if we didn't have kids -- 11, 9, and 7. How do I do that to them? How do I wrap my head around not having them live with me full time? To not share the holidays as a family? To not attend services together every week as a family? To having my DH hate me? I feel so selfish thinking about even leaving. I waffle back and forth constantly. After a nice vacation with the family I think I definitely don't want to leave. But after a few weeks of standard life, I'm back to thinking I can't do this forever. I have been in individual counseling for the last few months and it's not helping me make a decision, I just keep waffling and waffling. Living in a gray world where I'm not happy but not absolutely miserable. Have others in this situation left and been happy? Left and regreted it? Stayed?