Anonymous wrote:

I think you erred in turning away your brother's offer to visit with his oldest. Very counterproductive to your goals. Call him back and tell him you'd love for them to come enjoy hunting or whatever on your property this winter.

I agree. If you were really interested in maintaining a relationship with your brother and his family, you wouldn't have rejected his request. 'All or nothing' got you nothing. This has nothing to do with your SILs, it's all you and your brothers.

+1


I was sympathetic to your post until you said you refused your brother's visit. It would be reasonable to ask your brother what's up. But by refusing this visit, you're fueling the fire.

I think you erred in turning away your brother's offer to visit with his oldest. Very counterproductive to your goals. Call him back and tell him you'd love for them to come enjoy hunting or whatever on your property this winter.

I agree. If you were really interested in maintaining a relationship with your brother and his family, you wouldn't have rejected his request. 'All or nothing' got you nothing. This has nothing to do with your SILs, it's all you and your brothers.

OP-- do you see the fact that you "put your foot down" by insisting the entire family come, not just brother and nephew, controlling? Because it is and probably something your mother would have done too.

As the peacemaker you were the apologist for your mother's horrendous behavior towards your SILs. Why in the world would they invest anymore time in someone who is so hostile to them? They wrote you off as family because you (and your mother) haven't acted like family.

Why can't you just accept the relationship your brother was offering...to come with kid 1? Seems selfish and kind of weird to stomp your feet and have a fit because it didn't work out exactly the way you wanted to. I think you're the problem, OP.

So, you had a controlling mother and your brothers have recreated that dynamic in their own marriages. Don't expect them to change. If you really want to maintain a relationship with them, then take them on their own terms.

I think you erred in turning away your brother's offer to visit with his oldest. Very counterproductive to your goals. Call him back and tell him you'd love for them to come enjoy hunting or whatever on your property this winter.

Do not think about who is right or wrong. That's the wrong the lens for viewing your relationship, and there is nothing to be gained by it. Take whatever opportunity you get to nurture the bonds between you and your brother and between your children and his. Then hope for the best over time.

I'd tell him no to. We gave up on my BIL and SIL - she is nasty as anything. My MIL lived near them and she was having major health issues and they wouldn't check on her. We moved her and they didn't know for months. We stopped trying. When she passes we will not even tell them as we're done hunting them down.

Anonymous wrote:They don't pick up the phone when you call because they think you're entitled and annoying.

Often, the "peacemakers" (AKA weak and pathetic people who are totally selfish and refuse to call out appalling behavior because they're protecting their own interests) are exactly the problem in family dynamics. When someone is behaving horribly in a family situation, there are usually enablers who pretend it's all not that bad, otherwise it wouldn't continue.

And you're delusional if you think your brothers aren't well aware that their wives don't like you. They won't choose your side against their wives, so don't embarrass yourself by trying to force that.

Yes! I agree with your take on peacemakers.

Sorry OP. Maybe the wives don't like you, or maybe they just prefer to spend time with their own families over yours. Regardless, it sucks. Maybe this is just how it goes as siblings grow up and start their own families? My brother and I were always really close even though we live in different states. In fact, our whole family is pretty close. He got married 2 years ago to a really great woman but everything always revolves around her family. It's been even worse since they had a baby. There is no consideration given to our family. The latest example is that they threw a HUGE party for my nephew's first birthday (with a piñata and bouncy house to entertain all of the kids in SIL's family) and no one from our family was invited. Not even the people who live in town. I basically have come to accept that my brother has no balls.

Anonymous wrote:They don't pick up the phone when you call because they think you're entitled and annoying.

Often, the "peacemakers" (AKA weak and pathetic people who are totally selfish and refuse to call out appalling behavior because they're protecting their own interests) are exactly the problem in family dynamics. When someone is behaving horribly in a family situation, there are usually enablers who pretend it's all not that bad, otherwise it wouldn't continue.

And you're delusional if you think your brothers aren't well aware that their wives don't like you. They won't choose your side against their wives, so don't embarrass yourself by trying to force that.

PP is a 100% correct. I have lived through the same bs for 25 years - I would be one of the hated sil.

They don't pick up the phone when you call because they think you're entitled and annoying.

Often, the "peacemakers" (AKA weak and pathetic people who are totally selfish and refuse to call out appalling behavior because they're protecting their own interests) are exactly the problem in family dynamics. When someone is behaving horribly in a family situation, there are usually enablers who pretend it's all not that bad, otherwise it wouldn't continue.

And you're delusional if you think your brothers aren't well aware that their wives don't like you. They won't choose your side against their wives, so don't embarrass yourself by trying to force that.

One of the realities of life is that women make their family's plans. If the woman in the family doesn't like you, she won't plan to spend any more time with you than absolutely necessary. If you have a son or a brother or a widowed/divorced father, if you like them and want to spend time with them you should make damn sure any female partner like you and wants to spend time with you.

Thanks. Should add I do blame my brothers for being weak and not sticking up that it is important to have relationships with both families. I can't say both brothers don't want a relationship as they both call when in town for business. It's not standing up for our kids know each other and having a sense of family. I emphasize that my kids are good kids so there is no "well your kids are wild." story. Anyway thhisnis the first time when I drew a line in the sand. It makes me sad to do this but I am tired of this crazy set up. The funny thing is my brother's both married quiet wives maybe thinking to have more calm than my mom. I think they didn't realize that quiet can also be controlling. Anyway I am sad.

I actually can relate to 90% of your experience. Sorry, no advice though. I'll think about it today and see if I can think of anything particularly helpful.

Interesting you blame your SILs and not your brothers. Anyway, it sounds like your SILs wisely dislike your family. You're not entitled to a close relationship.

I have come to the conclusion that both my brothers have married wives who want nothing to do with our family. I somewhat understand as my mom was really controlling and had a bad temper. I know that was hard for the wives and we talked about it while my mom was alive. Now she is gone and dad moved on and is not involved really with anyone but his new girlfriend. The irony is these wives have families who have really really big issues so part of me is wondering why the extra drama. Anyway, since my mom is out of the picture (and it is still sad for me as she did have a good side and chaos growing up so I see what happened), I actually thought we would have peace and recover. I should add I was not a problem, I have always been a peacemaker. I have never had bad words with anyone. But..my brothers who live in different areas of the country just are now focused on their wives families. Lots of trips all sorts of things and we are never invited. I have planned vacations and actually paid and they came in the beginning but now there is always an excuse. I see my brothers when they are in town for business but that is it. I am exhausted from trying and have told my brother as such. He just ignores. It really hurts my feelings. By the way, both wives will not answer the phone. They will txt answers back. It is really bizarre. Again I am exhausted. We have kids so I have tried for that but I just don't want to anymore. Anyway else have stuff like this? Yesterday my brother called and talked about coming with one of their kids to our vacation home after xmas. I was actually annoyed. Clearly the wife doesn't want to go and is taking the kids who are actually my kids age somewhere else. Brother didn't think it was rude at all. I am thinking he wanted to take his oldest hunting/fishing on our property. I did calmly put my foot down and say that they were welcome to come for a visit when it worked for everyone. I think he didn't know what to say because I rarely take a stand on anything but I feel like my brothers' should at some point acknowledge this weird stuff. Sorry for the vent but I am still thinking about the call.