Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find if I actually let myself feel the feelings, don't fight them, feel them, they go away sooner. The toughts you have to work on stopping but let yourself feel the sadness, loneliness and the feelings will lessen over time.

Not sure if this works for me, at the moment. My problem is that when I feel those feelings- missing him, wondering what he is doing, etc etc, I end up acting on them, and contacting him. Then I get pulled back down into the rabbit hole---if he does not respond, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds, but in a fairly short way, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds and we reengage in long back and forth conversation, I feel happy. It's like a drug addiction that I know is not good for me, I try and go cold turkey but have slip ups.

I am right there with you. It is like a drug addiction. I set goals for myself--go x days without contact. It helps knowing that I'm giving myself an opportunity for contact down the right and it allows me to do not obsess. My issue is when I've done this, he has contacted me. It's been 8 months but I finally feel like the high is dissipating--but in our case it is because we are trying to be friends and I'm comforted knowing he's trying to be a friend back.

I was with you until that last part. Don't lie to yourself, it just makes it harder....you were on the right track before!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find if I actually let myself feel the feelings, don't fight them, feel them, they go away sooner. The toughts you have to work on stopping but let yourself feel the sadness, loneliness and the feelings will lessen over time.

Not sure if this works for me, at the moment. My problem is that when I feel those feelings- missing him, wondering what he is doing, etc etc, I end up acting on them, and contacting him. Then I get pulled back down into the rabbit hole---if he does not respond, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds, but in a fairly short way, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds and we reengage in long back and forth conversation, I feel happy. It's like a drug addiction that I know is not good for me, I try and go cold turkey but have slip ups.

Nooooo you have to go completely cold turkey. Seriously there is no other way, don't drag it out - don't do that to yourself. It will be tough and honestly it will likely take months once you do so...but you CAN feel sane again. However, that will only start once you truly cut it off. It will get easier with time...you'll still get those occasional strong pangs (it really is almost like a drug!), but with the benefit of time and space you'll recognize that they will pop up and pass relatively quickly. That makes it easier to see them rationally, and decide not to act on them (which feels good, trust me). But seriously you have to go entirely no contact, for the long haul. And in the meantime, don't drink too much

Read a book about moving on. Back in the 90's Men are From MArs Women are From Venus books were popular. He wrote one about starting over after divorce, break up or death of a significant other. It became my bible after a terrible break up.

I agree you need to cut all contact. Block him or send strongly worded ending it emails. Save them and reread as necessary. Make lists of what was wrong and read them again and again. Complicated relationships take a lot of energy and are a lot of pull and once you're free from that you will feel better (eventually).

If you want to talk to him write it out and save it in a draft. Don't send or decide you will send in one week if you still feel the same. Chances are you won't.

Read 'it's called a break up because it's broken.' It's light hearted and an easy read but so true.

I'm in the same boat and approaching one month of zero contact with someone I loved very much. It's hard as hell sometimes. Meditation helps me. I use a 10 minutes a day app called Headspace. It's primary purpose is creating space between you and your thoughts, so that they're not so consuming.

Go to therapy to figure out why you settled for and stayed in a relationship that was less than ideal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find if I actually let myself feel the feelings, don't fight them, feel them, they go away sooner. The toughts you have to work on stopping but let yourself feel the sadness, loneliness and the feelings will lessen over time.

Not sure if this works for me, at the moment. My problem is that when I feel those feelings- missing him, wondering what he is doing, etc etc, I end up acting on them, and contacting him. Then I get pulled back down into the rabbit hole---if he does not respond, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds, but in a fairly short way, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds and we reengage in long back and forth conversation, I feel happy. It's like a drug addiction that I know is not good for me, I try and go cold turkey but have slip ups.

You'll never be able to move on if you don't go told turkey. A psychologist once explained it to me in terms of an intermittent reward schedule. You never know what you're going to get from him so it becomes more exciting to you brain, like gambling. As long as the throws you a crumb every once in a while, you're hooked. Stop asking for crumbs!

https://www.alleydog.com/glossary/definition.php?term=Intermittent%20Reinforcement

Interesting. Thanks for this

Treat it like an addiction - literally. Cold turkey and therapy, higher power, whatever. It's the only way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find if I actually let myself feel the feelings, don't fight them, feel them, they go away sooner. The toughts you have to work on stopping but let yourself feel the sadness, loneliness and the feelings will lessen over time.

Not sure if this works for me, at the moment. My problem is that when I feel those feelings- missing him, wondering what he is doing, etc etc, I end up acting on them, and contacting him. Then I get pulled back down into the rabbit hole---if he does not respond, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds, but in a fairly short way, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds and we reengage in long back and forth conversation, I feel happy. It's like a drug addiction that I know is not good for me, I try and go cold turkey but have slip ups.

I am right there with you. It is like a drug addiction. I set goals for myself--go x days without contact. It helps knowing that I'm giving myself an opportunity for contact down the right and it allows me to do not obsess. My issue is when I've done this, he has contacted me. It's been 8 months but I finally feel like the high is dissipating--but in our case it is because we are trying to be friends and I'm comforted knowing he's trying to be a friend back.

"Trying to be friends" means he doesn't have to deal with any feelings about the loss of the relationship - he knows you are in the wings. That's why he contacts you when you go silent for a while - butvonce he has you back, he can disconnect once more.

There must be some kind of secondary gain for you to be pursuing and pining over an unavailable person - perhaps it's playing out an unresolved conflict from your childhood. But your actions reflect that you don't value yourself at all. He is going to sense that too. You have to get some therapy and break this cycle.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find if I actually let myself feel the feelings, don't fight them, feel them, they go away sooner. The toughts you have to work on stopping but let yourself feel the sadness, loneliness and the feelings will lessen over time.

Not sure if this works for me, at the moment. My problem is that when I feel those feelings- missing him, wondering what he is doing, etc etc, I end up acting on them, and contacting him. Then I get pulled back down into the rabbit hole---if he does not respond, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds, but in a fairly short way, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds and we reengage in long back and forth conversation, I feel happy. It's like a drug addiction that I know is not good for me, I try and go cold turkey but have slip ups.

You'll never be able to move on if you don't go told turkey. A psychologist once explained it to me in terms of an intermittent reward schedule. You never know what you're going to get from him so it becomes more exciting to you brain, like gambling. As long as the throws you a crumb every once in a while, you're hooked. Stop asking for crumbs!

https://www.alleydog.com/glossary/definition.php?term=Intermittent%20Reinforcement

you get over him by getting under someone else

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find if I actually let myself feel the feelings, don't fight them, feel them, they go away sooner. The toughts you have to work on stopping but let yourself feel the sadness, loneliness and the feelings will lessen over time.

Not sure if this works for me, at the moment. My problem is that when I feel those feelings- missing him, wondering what he is doing, etc etc, I end up acting on them, and contacting him. Then I get pulled back down into the rabbit hole---if he does not respond, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds, but in a fairly short way, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds and we reengage in long back and forth conversation, I feel happy. It's like a drug addiction that I know is not good for me, I try and go cold turkey but have slip ups.

I am right there with you. It is like a drug addiction. I set goals for myself--go x days without contact. It helps knowing that I'm giving myself an opportunity for contact down the right and it allows me to do not obsess. My issue is when I've done this, he has contacted me. It's been 8 months but I finally feel like the high is dissipating--but in our case it is because we are trying to be friends and I'm comforted knowing he's trying to be a friend back.

Anonymous wrote:I find if I actually let myself feel the feelings, don't fight them, feel them, they go away sooner. The toughts you have to work on stopping but let yourself feel the sadness, loneliness and the feelings will lessen over time.

Not sure if this works for me, at the moment. My problem is that when I feel those feelings- missing him, wondering what he is doing, etc etc, I end up acting on them, and contacting him. Then I get pulled back down into the rabbit hole---if he does not respond, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds, but in a fairly short way, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds and we reengage in long back and forth conversation, I feel happy. It's like a drug addiction that I know is not good for me, I try and go cold turkey but have slip ups.

I find if I actually let myself feel the feelings, don't fight them, feel them, they go away sooner. The toughts you have to work on stopping but let yourself feel the sadness, loneliness and the feelings will lessen over time.

Anonymous wrote:Put all that energy toward something else. When I was in a similar situation, I got involved in an activity I'd been wanting to try for a long time. All of my spare time went toward lessons, shopping for related supplies, etc. It worked really well. Bonus was that I eventually met my husband participating in the activity.

Thanks. Good advice

Put all that energy toward something else. When I was in a similar situation, I got involved in an activity I'd been wanting to try for a long time. All of my spare time went toward lessons, shopping for related supplies, etc. It worked really well. Bonus was that I eventually met my husband participating in the activity.

Title says it all. Was involved with someone in a complicated manner. Long story short, I need to forget about him. Thoughts of him, what we had, what we said, what I wish I/he said, etc consume me. On a daily basis. I need desperately to forget. Would appreciate stories, tips, anecdotes on how to do this. I recognize it's not healthy, and I need to stop.