This is tough. From your daughter's perspective, if she was 2 when she died she really didn't know her bio dad. That's tragic for her and for you. But she does know her step dad and being able to be adopted by him is a special and touching thing. It can be a wonderful way to feel complete to her, and still be a sad truth and loss to you at the same time. Are you willing to allow her the peace if it means feeling the loss yourself? Can you talk to DH about this? Can you explain to her how bittersweet it is? Can you have some type of ceremony where you acknowledge her bio dad?

Hugs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't do it, because if you get any divorce (yes, I know, that will NEVER happen to you) all of a sudden you have to fight for custody of your own daughter.

She is 13 and should have some input into her own life. I think it's a lovely and sweet testimony to the way you and your husband have raised your daughter. But it seems perfectly normal that it raised some conflict in you. I think you should share some of your feelings with your daughter, who is old enough to understand how her request is bittersweet for you. Life moves on after loss, but it's not always straightforward or simple.

So beautifully said.

Maybe there's a way that you don't have to change the birth certificate? Also, I'm wondering if as your DD has gotten older if she's seen pictures of your prior DH? I think she would be old enough to be able to have this discussion.

Good luck to you, OP. I'll be thinking of you.

I think that you have to recognize that grieving a dead spouse does not end, OP. You are going to have moments in life where the loss becomes very immediate for you again, and this is definitely one of them. Expect to have similar feelings when your child graduates from high school, when she marries if she marries, when she has children if she has children. Those are things that you thought you would experience with him and he died and that's awful.

The good news is that you have remarried someone who has been a great father to your child. She wants to honor that relationship, which is the only relationship she knows. A good friend of mine's father died when she was 2. Her relationship with her stepfather is vastly more important to her than her biological father, who she does not remember at all. It is really sad for you and your late husband's family, but for your daughter, it's probably not sad that way.

Allow yourself to have these feelings and then allow yourself to celebrate your daughter's choice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remember that adopted children still have birth parents, and having her stepdad adopt her does not change anything about who her father was at her birth. It simply gives her the gift of a (legal) living father.

Well....in many states, it will mean that her birth father is removed from her birth certificate and an amended one is issued. So it's like dead dad never existed.

How many women here would be ok if their husband's new wife adopted their kids and struck them permanently from the record of your child's birth after you died?

Yeah, didn't think so.

Yes, that was exactly my point (although not communicated very well), to remember that despite what the legal documents may say, her birth father will always be her father. And actually yes, in the event of my death I would desperately hope that my children would have a stepmother who loved them enough to raise them as her own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remember that adopted children still have birth parents, and having her stepdad adopt her does not change anything about who her father was at her birth. It simply gives her the gift of a (legal) living father.

Well....in many states, it will mean that her birth father is removed from her birth certificate and an amended one is issued. So it's like dead dad never existed.

How many women here would be ok if their husband's new wife adopted their kids and struck them permanently from the record of your child's birth after you died?

Yeah, didn't think so.

That's kind of how I'm feeling, like he never existed, she never got to know him, and he wanted so very much to be a dad and was a great one. There's also his family, I can't imagine this will go over well.

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't do it, because if you get any divorce (yes, I know, that will NEVER happen to you) all of a sudden you have to fight for custody of your own daughter.

I know all to well how the unthinkable can happen. My husband and I have another child together so if we were to divorce we'd be sharing custody anyway, and I wouldn't keep my daughter from the only dad she's known.

Anonymous wrote:I think you're in an incredibly enviable position as compared to lots of blended families. Kudos to your daughter for being able to affirm that she loves your husband as a father.

Her first husband DIED. That's not enviable.

Anonymous wrote:Remember that adopted children still have birth parents, and having her stepdad adopt her does not change anything about who her father was at her birth. It simply gives her the gift of a (legal) living father.

Well....in many states, it will mean that her birth father is removed from her birth certificate and an amended one is issued. So it's like dead dad never existed.

How many women here would be ok if their husband's new wife adopted their kids and struck them permanently from the record of your child's birth after you died?

Yeah, didn't think so.

Remember that adopted children still have birth parents, and having her stepdad adopt her does not change anything about who her father was at her birth. It simply gives her the gift of a (legal) living father.

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't do it, because if you get any divorce (yes, I know, that will NEVER happen to you) all of a sudden you have to fight for custody of your own daughter.

Conversely, if he adopts her, the child's stepfather will be able to have custody of the child if they get divorced. He has raised her since she was 5. He means enough to her that she wants him to adopt her. Doesn't he have any rights?

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't do it, because if you get any divorce (yes, I know, that will NEVER happen to you) all of a sudden you have to fight for custody of your own daughter.

She is 13 and should have some input into her own life. I think it's a lovely and sweet testimony to the way you and your husband have raised your daughter. But it seems perfectly normal that it raised some conflict in you. I think you should share some of your feelings with your daughter, who is old enough to understand how her request is bittersweet for you. Life moves on after loss, but it's not always straightforward or simple.

Aw op. I think this is more about the lingering grief for your first husband. It sounds like you've had two wonderful men in your life and because of you, your daughter has as well. It's understandable to still mourn your first husband. And maybe in some way you need to do something to honor him for yourself. I'm really glad that your daughter has had the benefit of a wonderful father and step father.

I think you're in an incredibly enviable position as compared to lots of blended families. Kudos to your daughter for being able to affirm that she loves your husband as a father.

I wouldn't do it, because if you get any divorce (yes, I know, that will NEVER happen to you) all of a sudden you have to fight for custody of your own daughter.

DD 13 wants her stepdad to adopt her. He's been in her life since she was 5 and he's been her dad in basically every way since then. I had held off on doing anything because I wanted the decision to be hers when she was old enough, and I think 13 is plenty old enough.
I'm just sad because her father passed when she was 2 and it's just making me sad she'll never know him. Which is stupid, because I'm so blessed to have my husband who has been a great dad to her. and that my daughter feels close to him too.

I'm also feeling bad because I was kind of short with her when she brought up this morning, and I know I need to apologize for that. I'm just feeling very mixed up about this to my surprise, and just need to vent.