Avoid him. Shouldn't be hard to do, it's a gathering.

Op, are you the poster who posted recently about her BIL making fun of the fact that you're single and because of how you dress/look assumed you were a lesbian.

My own brother is like this. I don't actively avoid him but don't directly keep in touch either. I attend family functions and if he happens to be there, I'm polite but don't engage much. On the rare occasion that he reaches out, I respond positively.

My approach to these things is that I don't want to be the person who divides the family. I keep enough distance to protect myself and my family, but don't make it awkward for everyone else. I hate when relatives refuse to be in the same room with some one, because it just punishes every one else who nothing to do with the situation. If it's not an issue of abuse, then I think you can manage to keep it cordial.

Anonymous wrote:You need to grow that spine, OP, and stand up for yourself. Your parents don't. I guess your husband doesn't, either. So your family consists of a lot of wimps and enablers, your bully BIL, and your probably NPD queen-bee sister. Can't change them. You can set boundaries for what you'll accept, and set a good example for your kids.

You can learn to calmly shut him down when he makes inapppropriate comments to you. And then you walk away and enjoy the family gathering at a distance from him. And don't engage your sister about this, or your parents or whoever else is part of the toxic dynamic. They're not changing.

Yep. I had a similar dynamic, and I set some hard boundaries. I didn't announce them to anyone, but I set them and it helped me. This was with a dear friend and her asshole husband, and also with other members of my family.

For me, with the friend, it was:

not going to any event at their house

not inviting them as a couple to any event I hosted

seeing friend one-on-one on neutral territory only


For family, it was:

Kid birthday parties

Every OTHER holiday

Answering no more than one phone call per week

Life is too short to spend time with family who is supposed to love you, only to be abused by 2 of them and no one cares, you're just supposed to take it. I would spend time instead with friends. I would not see sister and BIL. Your parents would be questionable.

You have to decide what's right for you. You could choose A, B or C now, and decide to see them less in the future depending upon how you feel about yourself and any encounters with them.

Wow. Way to blame the victim!

OP, I'd probably stick to option C.

You need to grow that spine, OP, and stand up for yourself. Your parents don't. I guess your husband doesn't, either. So your family consists of a lot of wimps and enablers, your bully BIL, and your probably NPD queen-bee sister. Can't change them. You can set boundaries for what you'll accept, and set a good example for your kids.

You can learn to calmly shut him down when he makes inapppropriate comments to you. And then you walk away and enjoy the family gathering at a distance from him. And don't engage your sister about this, or your parents or whoever else is part of the toxic dynamic. They're not changing.

Anonymous wrote:I'd rather not get into it all, but, his most recent behavior was mocking my appearance and sexuality. My sister just excuses him.
My parents don't want to upset my sister ( story of my life), but I understand because they probably fear not seeing the grandkids.

I can mostly tolerate my parents. My biggest struggle in distancing myself is my niece and nephew.

Sounds like he is pretty much like every bully out there. He has found your hot button and pushes it to get a reaction out of you. Stop giving him that ability by ignoring him when he mocks you. If you are not in therapy and working with a therapist on how to defuse the situation then get some books about bullies and dealing with bullying behavior.

I'd rather not get into it all, but, his most recent behavior was mocking my appearance and sexuality. My sister just excuses him.
My parents don't want to upset my sister ( story of my life), but I understand because they probably fear not seeing the grandkids.

I can mostly tolerate my parents. My biggest struggle in distancing myself is my niece and nephew.

Considering how thin-skinned some of you are, what exactly does he say that's offensive?

In any case, you can set the boundaries, and keep your distance at family events. You can bring your kids to the birthday parties and not hang out.

Just call him out publicly when he's rude. People like that don't want to be publicly shamed.

If it was very bad, I'd probably do B, and only while your parents are still in the picture.

If not too bad, I'd probably do C.

I think there needs to be better definition of the "rude" behavior. And you also need to look at the consequences of your ABCD choices. Then put it into context. Is the behavior really so egregious that you will isolate yourselves from people in your family whom you presumably want to see?

Do you need a hard and fast rule. You know he is a jerk and unlikely to change so only subject yourself to him as much as you are comfortable.

Assuming you've already confronted the behavior. This incident is one in a series of rude behaviors by BIL. Sister is "queen bee" of family so parents and most other siblings will do nothing to confront behavior.

A. Only attend functions related to the kids ie bday parties for niece and nephew keeping visits brief.

B. Only attend holiday functions ie Thanksgiving an Christmas

C. Both A & B

D. Completely cut them off.

I should say that one of my siblings is taking approach C.

I'm not really comfortable being around him, my sister, or other siblings, but feel guilty being distant during gatherings because of parents ( though they had a hand in creating this situation ) and because of the kids.

Really struggling on what to do.