NP with a just-turned-13 YO who does not yet have a phone.

Thank you for these comments, and OP, I've been wondering the same thing.

DC claims s/he "needs" a phone because kids make their own plans now and s/ne would be "mortified" if I check with a mother to confirm.

Excuse me?

So, these kids are "making plans" to get together without confirming with an adult? Do you just assume that I'm available at any time to cart you all over town to meet up with friends? Do you just assume that it's OK if 4 friends plan to sleep over tonight, without asking first?

I get that they have to gradually have some independence in this area, but as long as I'm responsible for transportation, or feeding groups of people, or supervising gatherings, there is no way that "plans" can be made without adult consent.

One thing we started when DD was in high school is, we sent a group text to the parents of her good friends to let them know that we would be out of town. They were all very thankful to have that inside information and from then on we always let the other parents now, to avoid house parties and the like

Check with the parents until the kids can drive themselves.
Then continue to check of you think your child would be untriuthful or immature and not really understand issues/consequences of plans.

The problem with kids before they drive is they often assume that parents won't mind driving, or hosting, or both and instead of checking they just volunteer. As an adult, you know better, so you do better by checking on the plans just like you would if you were getting together we friends and were verifying plans if you had not seen or spoken to them recently.

Kids get caught up in the moment of planning. They forget commitments or they feel no problem to drop them, Worse is the parents who tell kids things like it's their choice to attend a family function or other commitment so that kid chooses not to go and makes other plans with his friends and then the parents come back to the kid and say of course you are going to the family function/ commitment !

From 8th grade on, no in most cases unless the plans involve going somewhere overnight or leaving a defined geographic area. Otherwise, they're just expected to tell me when they're leaving, a basic plan of what they're doing, and when to either expect them home or expect them to check in next. Except for school or when going somewhere with a relative, they are required to be reachable by cell phone within defined amounts of time.

I expect my kids to keep in mind our family rules/expectations and to follow them when making and participating in plans. They're given a fairly high level of independence for this trust, and only in the event that my trust is violated and I have reason to be concerned about their behavior would I become more involved and require more oversight.

If the plans are in our own town and kids can get themselves there and back by walking or on a bike, I do not check with parents. In this case I also know all their friends' parents and addresses and home and cell phones anyhow.

If anyone is going to be transported anywhere (by me or others) I do double check unless I am doing both drop off and pick up (eg dropping and picking up my own kid at the theater.)

i always send a quick text confirming

Teens making plans on the fly. I found this very frustrating. And it happened because they all had phones and would just "find out whose parent was available" for pick up at the time. And parents went along with it. Op, like you, I wanted to know in advance but many parents didn't want to commit, didn't want to commit maybe unless they had to, like if no other parent was available.

Anonymous wrote:I ask questions and verify with my teen, if I feel I need to double check anything with the parents after asking questions of DC I call or email the parents...

DC knows I will call parents and tends to be pretty up front and honest, even when the plans are somewhat fluid. Depending on the situation and kids involved we are okay with some level or fluidity. When DC was 13 I did more calling/checking than I do now that DC is 16.

+1

PP here. This.

Anonymous wrote:I don't double check with parents but I do go over all of the details with my kids. If I am not satisfied with the level of planning, they don't go.

+1

I don't see the point in hovering to this extent, at this age, but that is just how we choose to do things. When DC were younger, and showed less capability, we absolutely double checked. Now that they are grown and show that they are capable, I verify with them, and proceed from there. I know the details at all times. Some DC are not accustomed to making plans, or as responsible, or very truthful, and they might need more "double checking", that's all. Each family does things differently, and I respect that. I don't try to impose my way of doing things on other people, that shows that the mom is immature (and not ready for children). At the very least, if a parent tried to impose their beliefs on another parent, I think much, much less of them. Since you asked.

Parent of an older teen here. Yes, confirm with parents. I don't care how helicopter-ish it sounds. The kids can plan but parents should just shoot an email or text to each other to confirm and get locations or transportation plans. You saw in the case of the movie what happens if kids do it all at this age; your son was left by his friends in a place he didn't know, and if you hadn't been reachable (it does happen) and assumed they'd get him home it could have been an issue.

Kids your son's age should do initial plans but check with parents and parents should have enough of an acquaintance to be able to do one simple check with each other. Remember: These kids must depend on adults for transportation and the kids also are so busy with school and activities that they do not always know their own schedules and can end up saying yes to seeing friends when you as the parent know that junior has an extra sports practice that same day (which he forgot) or your family has a family event you hadn't mentioned to son yet. Heck, my kid is 16 and due to a very busy extracurricular it takes us both to keep up with things. Her closest friends all go to other high schools, none drives, and all have very busy activities outside school; they plan things but all of them consult with us parents and we parents confirm with each other. No big deal.

I ask questions and verify with my teen, if I feel I need to double check anything with the parents after asking questions of DC I call or email the parents...

DC knows I will call parents and tends to be pretty up front and honest, even when the plans are somewhat fluid. Depending on the situation and kids involved we are okay with some level or fluidity. When DC was 13 I did more calling/checking than I do now that DC is 16.

Yes.

I don't double check with parents but I do go over all of the details with my kids. If I am not satisfied with the level of planning, they don't go.

It is a good idea to double check with parents. This is how my DD got in trouble, when I was out of town one night(she is almost 16) and invited friends without my permission. I blame myself though. Plus, they are completely clueless for the most part about timelines and what is ok, because peer pressure is insane and our kids don't know how to deal with it. Now, I call other parents when she is going there, I need a phone number of parents as well, you could say I learned from my mistakes too. I was too trusting and while she never gave me reason prior not to trust her, but she is pretty immature and thinks she knows everything, but honestly clueless about so many things. Not all teens are the same, my DS is overly responsible, so for him I didn't have to do any of this, but I am not saying one way is better than the other, maybe DS will get in trouble later? As for other parents, sometimes they are clueless(like I was with DD that one day) and just yesterday my DD got invitation in the afternoon to go to some concert and it was the parent who put me in a awkward position, but mom never even contacted me, it was all done with kids texting and going hysterical. So, my advice is to try to find a middle, based on your kid. Some kids need more parental involvement, some less.

My 13yo recently got a phone - yes, incredibly late in this day and age, I know, but it wasn't a big priority for him until recently. Now he has been making plans w/friends directly rather than me organizing with the parents. This is fine with me but I'm realizing that it leaves a lot of opportunity for misunderstanding.

For example, he was invited w/some other friends to spend the afternoon at a friend's house and then stay the night - I didn't think I needed to do a separate confirmation with the parents because they are always super eager for these get-togethers for their only child. However after the fact I realized (via social media) that they had basically been out of the house the entire time my kid was there (at a wedding in another state, returned in the middle of the night.) There were no problems but if I'd realized that the plan was for a bunch of 13yo boys to spend most of the day and night without any adult supervision, I'd have said no way.

Another example was an invite to go to the movies with a friend. I dropped him at the other kid's house and told the mom I'd be happy to pick them up if she wanted me to. She just waved me off and I didn't have any info about which theater they were going to. Then a couple of hours later I got a call from my son saying the movie was over, his friends had left in an uber, and he didn't know where he was. It got sorted out immediately but it was another case where this would not have happened if the plans had been made among the parents instead of the kids.

I'll be honest, I'm sort of irked with the parents in both these cases, but it also left me feeling uncertain about how to give my son more autonomy while avoiding these kinds of misunderstandings. Thanks for any advice!