Anonymous wrote:Why? Was she rude and/or not accepting? Rigid? Personality clashes? Control issues? Just not a nice person?

It doesn't take anything negative to make you not close. Sometimes you're just very different and it's mostly your mutual family connection that you have in common. My first MIL was a nice person, always kind and loving to me, and I was very fond of her. We got along fine, but weren't close. I'm very liberal and free-spirited, and she was very old-fashioned and religious. She was close to her one religious DIL. I give her credit for being a very good MIL to all four of her DILs, who are all very different.

My current MIL is another story. We've all had to learn to keep our distance because she has NPD, and will ruthlessly manipulate and abuse you if you let her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's nice, and there's no animosity or anything, but we're not close. I never contact her directly (I don't call/text her--DH does that).

We're very different people with very different personalities.

Same here.

Same here. Nothing wrong with it. We're both polite and friendly, just not close.

Same. Except DH rarely calls either because he's very busy and hates talking on the phone.

I think my MIL wanted to not be a bad MIL so badly that she just never opened up to me. She never says anything funny to me, never tells me any of the family gossip and she walks on eggshells around me. She acts totally different toward her daughter (my SIL) and I wished she acted that way to me. She never laughs at my jokes or really talks to me because I think she doesn't want to offend me. I've tried hard to turn this boat around, but now I just spend holidays talking to my SIL, BIL or FIL.

My husband is not close with my mother. It's because she and I are not close. He met her once, way before we got married, when I was having a serious surgery. She was not invited to our wedding. I've now gone more than half my life without speaking to her.

Because she has a borderline personality disorder.

This is it for me: "Conversationally, we're not on the same wavelength."

I find even discussing minor matters with her to set me on edge. Very rarely I feel like we've had conversations where I feel heard and like I was part of it. Normally, I feel she is talking AT me and just unloading whatever it is she needs to discuss. Often this is done in what I consider to be an aggressive tone, which really throws me off. I've come to realize that socializing is pretty taxing on her. She can do it normally, but once she gets comfortable, she resorts to this gruff, judgmental tone that makes it hard to be with her.

Kids have helped immensely. Now we can just focus on the kids and talk about them. I appreciate how much she loves them and enjoys spending time with them. So that helps to smooth out some of her rougher edges. We will never be close though, and that's ok. At least to me that's ok...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's nice, and there's no animosity or anything, but we're not close. I never contact her directly (I don't call/text her--DH does that).

We're very different people with very different personalities.

Same here.

Same here. Nothing wrong with it. We're both polite and friendly, just not close.

Anonymous wrote:She's nice, and there's no animosity or anything, but we're not close. I never contact her directly (I don't call/text her--DH does that).

We're very different people with very different personalities.

Same here.

We are very different people. We don't value the same things in life.

Anonymous wrote:She's nice, and there's no animosity or anything, but we're not close. I never contact her directly (I don't call/text her--DH does that).

We're very different people with very different personalities.

Same here. She's a lovely, sweet person and a doting grandmother. Who never stops talking. It literally gives me a headache when we visit them, because she and my FIL just talk, and talk, and talk....God forbid there is a moment of silence. I make conversation with her as much as I can stand, but there's only so much I can take. We just have very little in common.

She's nice, and there's no animosity or anything, but we're not close. I never contact her directly (I don't call/text her--DH does that).

We're very different people with very different personalities.

Anonymous wrote:Why? Was she rude and/or not accepting? Rigid? Personality clashes? Control issues? Just not a nice person?

I could be but she keeps walking on eggshells around me, and I assure you, it's not necessary.
Like, she's sweet and was recently helping at our house. She loaded the dishes, even added the detergent. Didn't start it though. She wasn't sure about if that was OK...........alright, so she could have asked me. Would have been a 10 second conversation. Or she could have just done it. I can imagine no possibility of me being upset that she started the dishes.

She just feels like she can't communicate. And it's not only me. Other ILs have commented on stuff like this.

Additionally, I think there is just a minor personality clash. We get along, but I don't think I would choose her as a friend if I weren't related. Do you ever have a cousin or IL like that? Ha maybe a sibling? It's like that for me. Conversationally, we're not on the same wavelength.

Anonymous wrote:We have different life views. I am a SAHM and she had a very powerful and fulfilling career. She finds it hard to respect my choice. I actually REALLY respect working moms and try to tell her in subtle ways all the time. She did a great job raising her kids and it doesn't have to be like this. There is no right choice. But she raised her kids in the 70s and 80s when she got A LOT of shit from her peer group and generation above her about working in a powerful position. Its just in her to be bitter and angry. She spent so many years on the defense. Im hoping it doesn't stay such a defining divide but Im 5 years into SAH and it still really really bothers her.

Forgot to add another key aspect. My SIL (husbands brothers wife) is a cardiologist so she is really really special and impressive to MIL. In return in then hurts me that she favors her and her choices so much more. It dribbles down to our kids too. MIL will visit/pick them up them at daycare often and but never stop by at my house "because Im home and don't need her". So now MIL is closer to their kids and that stings too.

We have different life views. I am a SAHM and she had a very powerful and fulfilling career. She finds it hard to respect my choice. I actually REALLY respect working moms and try to tell her in subtle ways all the time. She did a great job raising her kids and it doesn't have to be like this. There is no right choice. But she raised her kids in the 70s and 80s when she got A LOT of shit from her peer group and generation above her about working in a powerful position. Its just in her to be bitter and angry. She spent so many years on the defense. Im hoping it doesn't stay such a defining divide but Im 5 years into SAH and it still really really bothers her.

Why? Was she rude and/or not accepting? Rigid? Personality clashes? Control issues? Just not a nice person?