Anonymous wrote:My marriage was like this. Then I stopped managing things and stuff didn't get done. My husband had to learn to take his part of the remembering, planning, etc.

All it took was a day when all of a sudden the baby had no more diapers...

DH: but where are the diapers?
Me: I don't know. Did you order diapers?
DH: No, I thought...
Me: What?
DH: I can run out and get diapers.
Me: Sounds great!

And a day when my son had no clean pants...

DH: Does Johnny have any clean pants?
Me: I don't know. Are there any in the drawer?
DH: No.
Me: Hmmm. Okay, I guess not then.

He eventually started to realize how much I was doing and we share the load a lot more evenly now.

AND WE HAVE A WINNER!

My marriage was like this. Then I stopped managing things and stuff didn't get done. My husband had to learn to take his part of the remembering, planning, etc.

All it took was a day when all of a sudden the baby had no more diapers...

DH: but where are the diapers?
Me: I don't know. Did you order diapers?
DH: No, I thought...
Me: What?
DH: I can run out and get diapers.
Me: Sounds great!

And a day when my son had no clean pants...

DH: Does Johnny have any clean pants?
Me: I don't know. Are there any in the drawer?
DH: No.
Me: Hmmm. Okay, I guess not then.

He eventually started to realize how much I was doing and we share the load a lot more evenly now.

I also saw this posted on FB this morning and while parts of it resonated with me, otherwise I felt lucky because my DH definitely does 50% of the household work. He manages all our finances, packs the kids' lunches each day, and doesn't use cluelessness as an excuse to not do laundry, load dishwasher, etc.

He also does more grocery shopping than I do, although I cook dinner more often- that probably cancels itself out.

I still do most of the planning though- logistics, travel planning, the emotional work like gift giving etc. But he's at least very aware of this, and he does more of the financial planning, yard work (I know this is so gendered- but he loves gardening and I have a black thumb), car maintenance. So it's a pretty even partnership, IMO.

I think he is a good partner in this sense because he was raised by a low-income single mom. So he did a ton of stuff around his house growing up, and couldn't be inept. He had to make himself dinner, clean up around the house, etc.

So the common thread is you chose to marry assholes. And then complain that they're assholes. Makes sense.

Anonymous wrote:Then quit managing. Entirely.

This means not going through and critiquing chores. So the dishwasher wasn't loaded to your satisfaction. The laundry wasn't done the way you like it. Kid isn't dressed, bathed, tucked in, etc as you would have done it.

Tough. It was done to theother's satisfaction. You have abdicated to role of "manager" so you no longer get the leisure of criticism. Live with it. You might find more help comes spontaneously. After all, who wants to volunteer to be criticized.

And do not dare say you don't. You do. You may not realize it but you do. Overtly and covertly.

You sound like my DH. When I try to explain how much I need to manage, he dismisses it saying that no one needs it and I can just drop it. Sure, DCs could go without birthday parties, doctor appointments, or school events, but who'd benefit from such life? Also, while he suggests I drop all the managing, he gets really mad when I take DCs out to eat (you are "trying to feed them junk") in times when I fall behind on food planning and prep.

Anonymous wrote:Then quit managing. Entirely.

This means not going through and critiquing chores. So the dishwasher wasn't loaded to your satisfaction. The laundry wasn't done the way you like it. Kid isn't dressed, bathed, tucked in, etc as you would have done it.

Tough. It was done to theother's satisfaction. You have abdicated to role of "manager" so you no longer get the leisure of criticism. Live with it. You might find more help comes spontaneously. After all, who wants to volunteer to be criticized.

And do not dare say you don't. You do. You may not realize it but you do. Overtly and covertly.

If this was your takeaway, you don't get it.

Anonymous wrote:Then quit managing. Entirely.

This means not going through and critiquing chores. So the dishwasher wasn't loaded to your satisfaction. The laundry wasn't done the way you like it. Kid isn't dressed, bathed, tucked in, etc as you would have done it.

Tough. It was done to theother's satisfaction. You have abdicated to role of "manager" so you no longer get the leisure of criticism. Live with it. You might find more help comes spontaneously. After all, who wants to volunteer to be criticized.

And do not dare say you don't. You do. You may not realize it but you do. Overtly and covertly.

I could give a rats arse how the dishwasher gets loaded, it just needs to be done. Same with laundry. The entire point is that it isn't fair if I am the only one that notices that it needs to be done, or that the kids are hungry, or that dinner needs to get made, in addition to being the person that does (at least) half of the execution of the actual tasks.

But go ahead and spout off when you clearly didn't read anything at the link.

Anonymous wrote:Then quit managing. Entirely.

This means not going through and critiquing chores. So the dishwasher wasn't loaded to your satisfaction. The laundry wasn't done the way you like it. Kid isn't dressed, bathed, tucked in, etc as you would have done it.

Tough. It was done to theother's satisfaction. You have abdicated to role of "manager" so you no longer get the leisure of criticism. Live with it. You might find more help comes spontaneously. After all, who wants to volunteer to be criticized.

And do not dare say you don't. You do. You may not realize it but you do. Overtly and covertly.

You don't get it. Did you read the article?

Then quit managing. Entirely.

This means not going through and critiquing chores. So the dishwasher wasn't loaded to your satisfaction. The laundry wasn't done the way you like it. Kid isn't dressed, bathed, tucked in, etc as you would have done it.

Tough. It was done to theother's satisfaction. You have abdicated to role of "manager" so you no longer get the leisure of criticism. Live with it. You might find more help comes spontaneously. After all, who wants to volunteer to be criticized.

And do not dare say you don't. You do. You may not realize it but you do. Overtly and covertly.

We had the most fights about this topic after our son was born then anything else. It took awhile to explain to DH the keeping track of what needed to get done when was just as much a job is doing whatever needed done. We split the doing of the things pretty well, but not the tracking. It's gotten better though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I saw this on a friends facebook page this morning and I love it.

DH and I have had some of the toughest talks in our marriage (yes sometimes at 2 AM when we're not at our best) about how "all you need to do is ask" doesn't cut it, especially now that we have an infant. He was operating on the assumption that I'd do all night wakings and if I needed help, I'd just ask him. I told him this wasn't working but he kept going with the "just ask me when you need help" and I eventually had a complete breakdown in the middle of the night when I yet again couldn't get him to wake up and help.

We're doing so much better now but I still remember that night vividly because that's the closest I've ever come to thinking I was going to either murder or divorce him.

omg pp that's the point I'm at now. And even asking for help is so much work. Like this article shows, detailing when I need help is as much work as just doing the work. I don't have a son yet, but I will raise him to do the same work as my daughters.

I'm the PP you quoted and the thing that has helped the most is having a clear division of labor. There are a bunch of tasks that are exclusively his so I never have to think about them. That way, it's never a discussion, they just get done so I'm not managing it. It's so much harder for the tasks that we need to share (like night wakings) but at least the daily tasks that always need to be done that can be split can get done without a discussion.

Anonymous wrote:I saw this on a friends facebook page this morning and I love it.

DH and I have had some of the toughest talks in our marriage (yes sometimes at 2 AM when we're not at our best) about how "all you need to do is ask" doesn't cut it, especially now that we have an infant. He was operating on the assumption that I'd do all night wakings and if I needed help, I'd just ask him. I told him this wasn't working but he kept going with the "just ask me when you need help" and I eventually had a complete breakdown in the middle of the night when I yet again couldn't get him to wake up and help.

We're doing so much better now but I still remember that night vividly because that's the closest I've ever come to thinking I was going to either murder or divorce him.

omg pp that's the point I'm at now. And even asking for help is so much work. Like this article shows, detailing when I need help is as much work as just doing the work. I don't have a son yet, but I will raise him to do the same work as my daughters.

I saw this on a friends facebook page this morning and I love it.

DH and I have had some of the toughest talks in our marriage (yes sometimes at 2 AM when we're not at our best) about how "all you need to do is ask" doesn't cut it, especially now that we have an infant. He was operating on the assumption that I'd do all night wakings and if I needed help, I'd just ask him. I told him this wasn't working but he kept going with the "just ask me when you need help" and I eventually had a complete breakdown in the middle of the night when I yet again couldn't get him to wake up and help.

We're doing so much better now but I still remember that night vividly because that's the closest I've ever come to thinking I was going to either murder or divorce him.

What a great read. Yes! All of this! I married a very helpful man too, but he doesn't understand how much I actually do.

This past weekend we both had big house projects we were working on, but he deemed my project "less important" and gave me the baby to watch. I think he did it unconsciously but he kept dropping the baby off in my area to watch and he'd leave.

This resonates so much with me. Because of the allocation of emotional labor, including this kind of invisible labor, in marriages, it is extremely difficult if not impossible for women to break the glass ceiling.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/