It sounds as if you have no bond with your daughter and she is aware of this and thus constantly afraid of abandonement. Is there any chance another family member, such as a grandparents, has bonded and is interested in taking her?

When you say "we" and "therapy", how about adding therapy for just you to the mix. This is a hard situation, but your current feelings will just make it harder.

Anonymous wrote:How old was she when you adopted her?

Yeah, I think this matters. If you adopted her as a young infant, then I think you might have a different issue than if she was adopted as a child. Also, how recently was the younger child adopted?

That said, therapy takes time. In the meantime, firm discipline for hitting/throwing, as much affection as you can muster otherwise. Look out for opportunities to praise her for doing something good, or to have some fun one-on-one time with her. Getting into a negative cycle with a kid is bad, so look for ways to break it.

I am a mom of a high anxiety teen, and it is tough. Is your DD aggressive/or difficult in school or with people other than your and her brother? The worst thing you can do is to punish a child with severe anxiety, it causes more damage than anything else. They really can't help it, they either withdraw or explode at those they feel safe with. I recommend you learn as much as you can about anxiety as it is hard to understand for people who don't have it. For example, what you think is an everyday situation might seem like a war zone to her. Watch her when you enter a supermarket or school, there might be observing of everything and perceiving every person as a threat, like a soldier in a war zone. Or any smallest criticism is like a hit with a sledge hammer and reaction is out of proportion. My DS can't tell anybody that he has social anxiety, literary can't. On top of it, kids with anxieties are very observant or other's emotions and worried about hurting others(apart from those closest to them, my DS is a nightmare to his sister, and he knows it, he says he wants to stop but doesn't know how.) I had to work with him so much on this, and he knew that it is not acceptable, that was the only situation where the line is drawn, because we can't be hostages in our home because of his anxiety. He is not violent, apart from a couple of outburst where I stopped it and told him to go out. It is like a tidal wave when they feel threatened and then remorse over it as kids with anxiety will punish themselves more over their outburst than we ever can. I recommend you ask for Buspar and another SSRI to see what works. Prozac was not a good option for my DS, Lexapro was better but he was so happy that he wouldn't do any school work or giddy with happiness, maybe it will work for your DD? All in all, people don't understand severe anxiety, it is hard on the patient and possibly just as hard on the people nearest to them. At 18 my DS finally is starting to feel more comfortable, it takes years and years or reassuring them that you are always there for them, that nothing is too small or embarrassing to reach to you about, telling them that no matter what they do you will always be there and they can live in your house forever, because they worry about 20 years from now, no joke. I don't know if this is helpful with your DD, but these are the things that we are going through and I hope that it might help you at least a little bit. Sending you hugs and maybe it is a comfort that you are not alone, and that some people do understand what you re going through.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she doesn't get a say in whether you go back to work, and I hope she gets severe consequence for being unkind to her sibling.
Good luck!

Such an unfeeling post. Negative reinforcement rarely works, by the way.

Op, hope things improve. Therapy and meds are a good start.

NP. Positive reinforcement is a great idea. But consequences and boundaries for bad behavior are always in order. Negative enforcement along the lines of grounding her for a month are clearly out of line and would probably have the opposite effect. But the idea of never, ever disciplining a kid absolutely ridiculous and very, very damaging to the kid.

How old was she when you adopted her?

Finding the right medication and therapy will change both of your lives, so much better. Hang in there. Hugs!

Anonymous wrote:she doesn't get a say in whether you go back to work, and I hope she gets severe consequence for being unkind to her sibling.
Good luck!

Such an unfeeling post. Negative reinforcement rarely works, by the way.

Op, hope things improve. Therapy and meds are a good start.

Anonymous wrote:Therapy and meds take time. If it has been like this for a long time, there is a lot of behavior to undue. It would be good for you to see a therapist separately to understand how anxiety drives her behavior and how to respond to it in a way that gives her support, but also sets limits. It's very hard.

This. OP, please, get yourself counseling or therapy to help you figure out specific actions and words to use with your daughter. You don't have to navigate this alone, nor should you do so. This isn't something about which you should improvise or go by strangers' advice about discipline etc. on an Internet forum--get an experienced professional so you have a place where you can express your frustrations and also get concrete ideas for helping your child.

And PP is right that your DD's therapy and meds will take time; you may need to put off going back to work until those tools have had time to have an effect. It may take many months, OP, and your DD's progress with her issues may partly depend on how you handle yourself during what could be a frustratingly long time for you. All the more reason for you to get objective, outside, third party advice on how to interact with her so she doesn't become even more anxious. This situation sounds so tough for your whole family. I hope your DD's treatment goes well and that you can get to work sooner rather than later.

Anonymous wrote:Is younger sib adopted too?

Yes, he is

Mental health issues can be genetic. Perhaps you either know or don't know full history and there is more going on with her. She needs a good mental health evaluation and both need family counseling. Maybe you need to change your parenting and attitude to better meet her needs.

she doesn't get a say in whether you go back to work, and I hope she gets severe consequence for being unkind to her sibling.
Good luck!

Is younger sib adopted too?

Therapy and meds take time. If it has been like this for a long time, there is a lot of behavior to undue. It would be good for you to see a therapist separately to understand how anxiety drives her behavior and how to respond to it in a way that gives her support, but also sets limits. It's very hard.

DD, adopted, is extremely insecure, has high anxiety and depressed- not all the time but never satisfied with anything. She's afraid of so leave the room from her, I wanted to go back to work (part time) but DD gets hysterical if I talk about it. She whines, throws tantrums, and vicious to her younger sibling, We just started therapy and mess- nothing seems to be happening except Iosing my mind!