Hi, OP! First let me say that I've been through this too, and I wish you all the best.

I will say that I have to agree with others here that the more qualifiers you have, the lower your chances/the longer your timeline will be. It's so hard, I know, because secondary infertility steals your control over the situation entirely. But you really do have to remind yourself that there's only so much you control with a pregnancy too, and so many variables that can go "wrong" - i.e. you wanted the other gender, genetic abnormalities, etc.

In our case, we worked with a non-profit agency through which we engaged in a home study class that really prepared us well for the entire process. (We did open adoption, by the way - a concept which we really needed that time and learning to wrap our heads around, and which has been great.) In recent years our agency's client base has shrunk and the vast majority of cases involved some level of substance abuse. We too had our limits, but realized that we were not going to ever have a "perfect" situation. Just by dint of birth mom making an adoption plan, you know things are not perfect.

In our case, birth mom is early-mid 20's and didn't know she was pregnant. Like most young women of her age, she drank, she smoked, and she copped to 1-2 instances of cocaine use before realizing she was pregnant. She had literally no pre-natal care. We were trepidatious, but our child is now ~1.5 years, is perfectly healthy/on track with all milestones, is a happy, laid-back kid, and is an absolute joy. Our biological child has some issues we didn't expect, and our adopted child may well, too. You just don't know and the hardest - HARDEST - thing for me to learn and accept as a parent is that I can't control everything and that all we really have is an illusion of control whether our children are biological or adopted.

We put forward very few qualifiers in our materials. The agency informed all waiting families of "special situations" involving substance abuse or other major issues, and we had the ability to pull ourselves from consideration or go forward in each case. We were fortunate to be chosen within a year of our home study completion. It has been one of the best, most rewarding experiences of my life, and I'm so glad every day that I didn't let my fear of the "what ifs" stop me from moving forward. I love that kid more than life, and so does our biological child. Our happiness is immeasurable.

So, I don't know the answer to what is the right way for you to go, but I wanted to share my story and wish you all of the best. I know all of the feelings you are having, and they are scary as hell. But the potential rewards, at least for me, have been so much greater. Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:Surrogacy seems like a more realistic option if you want greater confidence of no substance abuse and good prenatal care.

+1

Realize that substance use is self reported by a pregnant woman so there is always the chance of not being honest.
Besides substance abuse, you might also want to consider what mental health conditions you would be ok with.

Anonymous wrote:Surrogacy seems like a more realistic option if you want greater confidence of no substance abuse and good prenatal care.

+1

We did a domestic adoption and used Adoptions Together. They have Offices in MD and VA.
We said we were open to smoking, some marijuana and possibly methodone because my Doc told me Methodone would show someone us trying to clean themselves up and take care of themselves and the baby.

The total process for us from when we started to when we picked DD up from their Office was 16 months. She was 30 days old. The BM said no drugs or smoking had been used. She is now almost 5 and is happy, friendly and sociable and is ready to start K in the Fall. She can read already and doesnt have any medical or health issues.

I would use an agency OP. We didnt need a lawyer at all. Adoptions Together were super helpful and did everything that needed doing.

Surrogacy seems like a more realistic option if you want greater confidence of no substance abuse and good prenatal care.

You and thousands of others want the same thing. There is no way you can ascertain no drug, drinking, or tobacco use. You are being unrealistic and, perhaps, should consider a puppy where it is a given there has been no drug, alcohol, or tobacco use!

3 and half

Agree that Jennifer Fairfax is wonderful. I used her and a domestic agency. I got lucky, and was matched in less than a year (and only 1 month from joining the agency!!) Healthy newborn, closed adoptikn. She is e and a half now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A plus with domestic private adoption is that you gain more control over the process. That's the route we went and it took us about a year to placement and 18 months to adoption finalization. I'm also a thumbs up for Jennifer Fairfax.

OP here. PP, may I ask how open you were to substance use by birthmother? We spoke to an adoption lawyer about private adoption who told us we would be waiting around 4 + years given that we were only open to smoking (mild) and no other substances.

You do know that the birth mother can lie and the child could come out with a ton of health problems?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A plus with domestic private adoption is that you gain more control over the process. That's the route we went and it took us about a year to placement and 18 months to adoption finalization. I'm also a thumbs up for Jennifer Fairfax.

OP here. PP, may I ask how open you were to substance use by birthmother? We spoke to an adoption lawyer about private adoption who told us we would be waiting around 4 + years given that we were only open to smoking (mild) and no other substances.

I think you are being highly unrealistic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A plus with domestic private adoption is that you gain more control over the process. That's the route we went and it took us about a year to placement and 18 months to adoption finalization. I'm also a thumbs up for Jennifer Fairfax.

OP here. PP, may I ask how open you were to substance use by birthmother? We spoke to an adoption lawyer about private adoption who told us we would be waiting around 4 + years given that we were only open to smoking (mild) and no other substances.

We were not extremely open but would have been ok depending on the situation. However, we were told no substance abuse and I suspect there was, especially with the birthfather. With adoption you are not going to get the perfect situation. If you were, most likely that child would not be placed for adoption. It took us years. Placement rates are going down the past few years which makes it even harder.

Anonymous wrote:A plus with domestic private adoption is that you gain more control over the process. That's the route we went and it took us about a year to placement and 18 months to adoption finalization. I'm also a thumbs up for Jennifer Fairfax.

OP here. PP, may I ask how open you were to substance use by birthmother? We spoke to an adoption lawyer about private adoption who told us we would be waiting around 4 + years given that we were only open to smoking (mild) and no other substances.

A plus with domestic private adoption is that you gain more control over the process. That's the route we went and it took us about a year to placement and 18 months to adoption finalization. I'm also a thumbs up for Jennifer Fairfax.

Do both private and agency. Talk to Jennifer Fairfax. She is the best in the area. Its hard to do gender selection and extremely hard to get no substance abuse. We were told none, but a few years later nothing we were told was true. Adoption has its risks. Average wait is relative. Most agencies are not truthful. You need to know what is the longest someone has waited, how many families wait and don't end up adopting, how many placements vs. waiting families do they have, how many have they had last year and what happens if you never get a placement (we were with agencies who clearly had no intention of placing - they had their money so what is the incentive). You should probably consider surrogacy given your requirements. It took us about 5 years to adopt.

We have struggled with secondary infertility for over 3 years and have decided to pursue adoption. We would like to adopt a newborn domestically. We have found a home study agency, spoken with an adoption lawyer and spoken with several adoption agencies. I'm not sure if we should go with an adoption agency or do private adoption through an adoption lawyer. We would prefer to adopt a girl (since we already have one biological child, a boy). We are, however, very closed regarding birthmother substance use and would only consider smoking, no alcohol and no other drugs. What would be the best route for us to pursue: agency or private adoption? The adoption lawyer we spoke with said we would be looking at a 4-6 year wait. On the other hand, we spoke with a large adoption agency that said their average wait time is one year or less. Not sure what to do.