You have an opportunity to be Partner at a part-time level? Go for it! You worked so hard and are so good at your job (apparently)- you owe it to yourself and your potential to try to make it work.
It will get easier once your preschooler is in elementary.

BUT- you need to focus now on hiring all the extra domestic help to make this happen.
Get the daily housecleaner who cooks, cleans and runs errands.
Get the full-time nanny/tutor for your kids.
Get your secretary at work to start planning your vacations and other personal events.
(every single male exec I have ever worked with has their secretary function as their full personal assistant)

Rather than give up your very large salary- use it to hire 3 people, and you'll still have $ left over.

YOU CAN DO IT!

OP here.
To respond to PP re debt and living off salary: DH and I had student loans from law school (me) + masters (DH) + medical school (DH), so we ended with almost $450K in total student loan debt and DH didn't start working until he was 33. So our student loans a little more significant to pay off than most. We will be done paying in 2 years after aggressive 10 year pay down strategy. DH is a doctor in a well paid field but not ridiculously well paid. Less than the big law partner salaries so often discussed in this forum. We can live in DH's salary alone, but reducing my income (or having no income) would definitely require life style changes. Not immediate changes - we live well below our means (house value is 75% of our annual earnings; pay cash for cars, etc). But we like living below our means and eliminating my salary would bring our life style closer in line with our means. We would have to reduce our savings schedule and think more about budgeting whereas now we don't really worry about money. So, we are fortunate that DH makes enough for me to have flexibility, we have grown to appreciate the cushion my job provides. I think paying our own way through school and starting with nothing - we had less that $2,000 in a savings account when we got married, while most of our friends and classmates were quite wealthy - greatly affected our spending and saving habits. I know DH would be stressed about money if we lost my salary, even though by all objective measures we are well off, conservative with money, and have lots of savings.

Related point: I've also thought about waiting until I make partner before making the decision to stay or go (assuming I do actually make partner - nothing is guaranteed in this world), but I have two concerns with that approach. First, isn't there substantial financial impact with the buy-in requirements? That would be difficult to unwind quickly. Second, I would feel some guilt about potentially taking someone else's place in the partnership. Surely the rest of the partner candidates would actually want to have the opportunity. And last, I'm concerned about the emotional pull/golden handcuffs. It's easier to walk away at a senior associate salary level than a higher level. As I said, DH and I live pretty modestly, but we send our kids to private school, save aggressively for retirement and really like the feeling of being overly secure. I'm just worried it will be harder to walk away if I've already had the salary bump.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12+ years in biglaw and you have a DH that makes more than you and you still have student loans? I'd take a hard look at the finances to make sure you're even able to quit. If not, significantly re-work your spending and try living like that for a few months to make sure you can sustain it.

+1

I'm not OP, but my DH and I are still carrying student loans from our graduation almost 15 years ago, (though we certainly could have paid them off) because the interest rate is so low.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you say they are putting you up at the end of the year. Can you wait it out until after you make partner? I say that for two reasons: First, the "partner" title will be extremely helpful in finding a new job. If you have been at the firm for 12 years and aren't a partner, people will assume that you are leaving because you couldn't make partner. I know that lots of great lawyers don't make partner for reasons that have nothing to do with them, but even so, you will have more options if you wait. Having made partner will also help you down the road if you decide you want to ramp back up after your kids are older. A secondary reason to wait is to see if you are happier in the partner role. You probably have a good sense already whether it would be different enough from your current role to make things feel more bearable, so I wouldn't wait it out for this reason alone, but you never know.

I don't think it is good idea to allow yourself to be put up for partner if you don't plan to make a go of it. It would be a slap in the face of your sponsoring partners, since they will be going to bat for you to get you voted in. If you immediately turn around and leave, it's an embarrassment for the firm but especially the partners to whom you're closest and may be in a position to help your outside career down the line.

You either need to leave or become a partner. It sounds like you've got all the stresses now anyway but without the title or the money so if you stay you might as well stay as a partner, at least for a couple of years. Although make sure being a partner actually comes with an uptick in money in the short term - in some firms it doesn't.

How old are your kids? Are you done adding to your family?

+1 on joining/starting a small firm. They would have a lot of the admin already covered if that's your biggest source of anxiety - it sounds like you have a good base that would travel with you.

Anonymous wrote:12+ years in biglaw and you have a DH that makes more than you and you still have student loans? I'd take a hard look at the finances to make sure you're even able to quit. If not, significantly re-work your spending and try living like that for a few months to make sure you can sustain it.

+1

OP, you say they are putting you up at the end of the year. Can you wait it out until after you make partner? I say that for two reasons: First, the "partner" title will be extremely helpful in finding a new job. If you have been at the firm for 12 years and aren't a partner, people will assume that you are leaving because you couldn't make partner. I know that lots of great lawyers don't make partner for reasons that have nothing to do with them, but even so, you will have more options if you wait. Having made partner will also help you down the road if you decide you want to ramp back up after your kids are older. A secondary reason to wait is to see if you are happier in the partner role. You probably have a good sense already whether it would be different enough from your current role to make things feel more bearable, so I wouldn't wait it out for this reason alone, but you never know.

12+ years in biglaw and you have a DH that makes more than you and you still have student loans? I'd take a hard look at the finances to make sure you're even able to quit. If not, significantly re-work your spending and try living like that for a few months to make sure you can sustain it.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I stepped off the partnership track at a very large firm to the surprise of my colleagues because even though I liked what I did, there were other things in life important to me as well.

I have an in-house position that I love which pays well with interesting work. If your field has in-house positions, then I would suggest that. Is your field of a type that you don't need a lot of administrative backup? --e.g., fields that have lots of regulatory filings and are document intensive---such as securities or litigation---would be difficult to manage as a solo, while other fields are perfectly doable as a solo. If the latter, then are there any other attorneys in your field who might wish to start a small boutique with you? It would be better to have one or two partners with whom you can share the workload.

You may wish to consider going ahead and becoming a partner and then leaving. The only thing I somewhat regret is not staying to actually get the title because if you leave prior to making partner, there will be lawyers who will always assume that you were asked to leave because you couldn't make partner----which is a little grating. But you can't recapture those early years with your kids---which is far more important than what other people think.

Meh, even if you leave after making partner people may assume you were pushed out because you weren't bringing in enough business for them to keep you. Agree that who cares what people think.

I did this. Find something that doesn't make you miserable. But work on getting your student loans paid off first so you don't have that drag if you take a lower paying job.

Do what your hearts tells you. Life is temporary and very limited. Enjoy your kids...once they grow up, they are essentially gone.

OP, I stepped off the partnership track at a very large firm to the surprise of my colleagues because even though I liked what I did, there were other things in life important to me as well.

I have an in-house position that I love which pays well with interesting work. If your field has in-house positions, then I would suggest that. Is your field of a type that you don't need a lot of administrative backup? --e.g., fields that have lots of regulatory filings and are document intensive---such as securities or litigation---would be difficult to manage as a solo, while other fields are perfectly doable as a solo. If the latter, then are there any other attorneys in your field who might wish to start a small boutique with you? It would be better to have one or two partners with whom you can share the workload.

You may wish to consider going ahead and becoming a partner and then leaving. The only thing I somewhat regret is not staying to actually get the title because if you leave prior to making partner, there will be lawyers who will always assume that you were asked to leave because you couldn't make partner----which is a little grating. But you can't recapture those early years with your kids---which is far more important than what other people think.

I know there would be a substantial reduction in salary, but have you considered a position with the federal government? Many agencies try to strike a good work-life balance (telecommuting, etc.) and the stress level, while present, is much lower than it is in big law.

I'm now a in a counsel position (non-equity). The firm plans to put me up for partner at the end of the year. I'm considering turning it down. Life has been so stressful the last few years, attempting to "balance" a big law career with the needs of two pre-school/elem. kids and DH. I sleep 4-5 hours/night. I'm constantly stressed, constantly behind on client work, leading to more stress. My practice area is very strong right now and we are understaffed, so the pace is more frantic than it should be if we were better leveraged with a team of capable associates. But Big Law is always stressful and there is always a client emergency, no matter how well-staffed your practice area is. I am currently "part time" billing 1700-1900 hours (+bus dev and admin work). I've already made clear to the firm that I will not commit to 2600+ hours/year and it seems as though the powers that be are quite happy for me to create a custom partnership position with lower billable / bus dev expectations - probably in line with my current hours expectations. I realize this flexibility is not usually offered to junior partners and I should be thrilled, but I am the opposite. Life feels untenable and I can't bear the thought of it continuing like this. I'm burned out, my relationship with DH is suffering, and I feel like I'm missing valuable time with my kids.

I'm seriously contemplating resigning rather than drafting my partnership plan.

Pros of partnership: I like my career field and value my colleagues and mentors on my team; as stressful as this life is, I seem to have found a great firm who is committed to my practice and is permissive - even encouraging - of 'part time' work; and I would (theoretically) work the same hours I do now for more money

Cons: Seems obvious from reading above. But, if I step away it will be difficult if not impossible to get back to the place where I am currently in my field. For a variety of reasons, I don't have much in the way of alternate job prospects because my family is not willing to relocate (though if we were willing to relocate, I would have many opportunities). My best alternative would be to join a boutique virtual law firm or go solo, but after 12+ years at the same firm I'm nervous and feel unprepared to handle the admin needs of solo work. The money would be nice. DH earns more than I do now, but his earnings are likely to decrease over time due to his industry so it would be great to build up our savings, finish paying student load debt and fund college accounts before giving up my big law salary.

From a professional standpoint, I shouldn't pass up a potential partnership promotion. But, from a life-balance perspective, I feel like it should be obvious to quit my job.

Have you - or anyone you know - declined to pursue partnership? If so, did you stay on as counsel or senior associate or leave Big Law all-together? Have you ever regretted either decision?