Oh wow. Ok, well first you need to decide what YOU are doing. If you are going to stay with him (WTF?!?!) then you will need to let your anger to towards him and the other woman and their love child.

Since he is so open with the kids then you will have to be also and it will completely change their perspective about cheating -- which is fine since you are going to stay with him.

That said my DH's found out about his father's love child at 11. Totally fucked him up because his mom decided to stay with his father for about 5 more years THEN divorced him. Those years were miserable and he remembers them specifically. So you really need to decide if you are going to be miserable or not since that is what will mess your children up. Not their dad having an affair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say anything until they ask questions. You cannot blame the mom in this situation. She did not cheat on you, your husband did. He is to blame. You are angry at her, when you should be angry at him. You are right to allow the kids to know each other and I would allow the child in your home as it is not her fault. Place the blame in the right place, your husband.

This. It might be hard to digest but this is all the truth and it's the right way to be.

It's not hard to digest at all. I don't blame the mom but I don't see why she should be around my children, and so she is not allowed to see them.

Obviously the blame lies with the husband. But I already know how to talk to him. What I don't quite know is how to talk about this with the kids, and this is why I'm asking if anyone has dealt with this.

But you have shown your kids by example that this behaviour is ok. He had unprotected sex with someone else while married. Do you have any self esteem?
Why would you stay with this guy who treats you this way? It's hard but you need to leave.

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say anything until they ask questions. You cannot blame the mom in this situation. She did not cheat on you, your husband did. He is to blame. You are angry at her, when you should be angry at him. You are right to allow the kids to know each other and I would allow the child in your home as it is not her fault. Place the blame in the right place, your husband.

This. It might be hard to digest but this is all the truth and it's the right way to be.

For both your son and daughter, there is no way to frame this to them that this is not normal or that this is not how men are allowed to behave because as long as it is their experience then it will be normal to them. If you tell them that their father is a good dad, then you're also saying that lying and cheating are acceptable behaviors in good parents.

Honestly, I would refuse to let DH take the kids around their half-sibling until you had several rounds of counseling.

OP, have you talked to a family lawyer? And a counselor?

There's no way to deal with this without those two resources.

--Custody and child support for the half-sibling
--Figure out how not to fuck with your kids' heads any more than this will already
--Outline what a divorce would look like, just so you know.

I wouldn't say anything until they ask questions. You cannot blame the mom in this situation. She did not cheat on you, your husband did. He is to blame. You are angry at her, when you should be angry at him. You are right to allow the kids to know each other and I would allow the child in your home as it is not her fault. Place the blame in the right place, your husband.

So....your husband made the decision to introduce your son to his love-child and tell your son that this was his sister.....BEFORE anyone told you that this affair/child existed?

Sorry OP, but that's a no-go for me. You need to protect your kids here. I'm not suggesting you take anything out on your husband's other child...but that you protect yours kids with perhaps some distance.

And IMO, someone who breaks the bond of family by cheating doesn't get to come back and preach about the importance of sibling relationships....

I agree that a family therapist is the best place to go to work it out and figure out how you want to discuss with your kids.

I'm so sorry, OP. This is a lot to deal with.

Wow. Are you sure the affair is over?

Also, this type of question opens up so many cans of worms that you would be better off talking it over with a therapist before you bring it up with the kids. It would be best to have a solid plan for the many questions that will come up. You might end up getting divorced, you might not. Custody will certainly be an issue as the girl gets older. Does your husband pay child support?

What a nightmare of a situation! I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

Anonymous wrote:I am at a loss for words and this makes me sick! Please do not take it out at the half sibling and there really is no way to make the father look like a piece of crap. Doing so means you are being complicit. Perhaps just let them find it out themselves--neither praise nor criticize DH's role as a father; just recognize.

Hate to be this cynical, but at the end of the day, you have to fight for your children, especially when they become of age and potential inheritance is involved. Such an asswipe!

I mean "no way but to make the father look like a piece of crap."

I am at a loss for words and this makes me sick! Please do not take it out at the half sibling and there really is no way to make the father look like a piece of crap. Doing so means you are being complicit. Perhaps just let them find it out themselves--neither praise nor criticize DH's role as a father; just recognize.

Hate to be this cynical, but at the end of the day, you have to fight for your children, especially when they become of age and potential inheritance is involved. Such an asswipe!

Wait a second. Husband was getting your minor son together with his love child and you didn't know? Hell no.

I don't even know if this is the right forum for this question but I can't think of a better fit.

My DH had a long-term affair that resulted in a daughter. She is four, and our children together are six and two. I found out a few months ago and so far we are not planning to divorce. This has been a wild and emotional ride for me but my question is not about this right now.

He is quite involved in her life and sees her twice a week or so. He has also been getting our son together with the girl regularly because he felt siblings must know each other. I do not prevent him from seeing his daughter, and have allowed my son to continue seeing her on the condition that her mother is never around my children. They see each other at least once a week. My DH is a very involved father with our kids, he is a good dad.

So far he didn't explain/discuss with our son how this girl came to be, he just told him that "this is your sister", and since this has started a few years ago, I think my son has just taken this for granted. However, I believe that eventually he will put two and two together, and I think we should figure out a way to talk about this with our kids that doesn't denigrate either their half-sister or their father. I don't want to just present this as a fait accomplit, I want my children to understand that cheating is wrong but I just feel completely helpless and unequipped to step around this minefield. I don't want my children, and especially my daughter (who is now 2) to learn this is normal or this is how men are allowed to behave. Things are what they are, the kids aren't going away. How do I talk about this?

I would like some advice from those of you who have been in this situation as kids, or someone who had something like this happen in the family. How would you have liked the adults in the family frame this for you? What is the fair way to talk about this that makes clear that cheating is wrong, but does not take it out on the half-sibling or make their father look like a piece of crap?