Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks all. I am trying to do less "backseat driving." The reason I do so much backseat driving is because there are a lot of moves involved and I'd like them to stop soon and for us to land somewhere we both want to live. I like a PP, telecommute so that's been a blessing.

It's exhausting to always be riding someone about their career because of my own fear, and I am really trying to back off.

I am the telecommuting Army wife. DH has had 5 deployments and we've had 4 moves in the past 12 years. He is changing units when he returns from the current deployment and we should have 3 years in one place (finally). I was more okay with moving when we were younger, but I'm ready to settle down somewhere. He knew this and that's why he requested the change.

FWIW, I never explicitly tell him what to do. I knew going into this what it would be and I know I could have left at any point years ago when I got tired of being constantly uprooted. Do you have children in the mix? That definitely makes it harder.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks all. I am trying to do less "backseat driving." The reason I do so much backseat driving is because there are a lot of moves involved and I'd like them to stop soon and for us to land somewhere we both want to live. I like a PP, telecommute so that's been a blessing.

It's exhausting to always be riding someone about their career because of my own fear, and I am really trying to back off.

If I were you I would not focus on every little decision but the larger goal of wanting to move less. That's a completely reasonable goal and request. You can talk to him about moving towards that without micromanaging.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We talk through any decision that could impact the family (commute, extra hours, a pay adjustment etc).

Other than that he's am adult

This. I'm also happy to talk through his options with him and he a sounding board for various things.

+1. We talk if it impacts the family. Other than that, he's an adult.

Anonymous wrote:We talk through any decision that could impact the family (commute, extra hours, a pay adjustment etc).

Other than that he's am adult

This. I'm also happy to talk through his options with him and he a sounding board for various things. When he first started the job he has now, I taught him how to use Excel because it really just hadn't been part of his previous jobs and is absolutely critical for this one. He does the same for me, though we are in really different fields so his advice isn't always useful and vice-versa.

Other than that, we don't micromanage. Why do you ask, OP?

OP here - thanks all. I am trying to do less "backseat driving." The reason I do so much backseat driving is because there are a lot of moves involved and I'd like them to stop soon and for us to land somewhere we both want to live. I like a PP, telecommute so that's been a blessing.

It's exhausting to always be riding someone about their career because of my own fear, and I am really trying to back off.

We talk through any decision that could impact the family (commute, extra hours, a pay adjustment etc).

Other than that he's am adult

He works from home and travels a lot, so work decisions oftentimes affect all of us. He asks me for a lot of advice, whether on what offer to accept, what to ask for in a counter offer, etc.

Supportive sounding board

Not much, beyond encouraging him to actually *make* decisions instead of interminably stewing over them. He doesn't even talk about work much because it stresses him out too much. Likes to keep home completely separate.

Very little. Basically, he would ask me if we should move for a new position and that is it.

He does all the researching, networking, applying, etc. Luckily he is very motivated and doesn't need my input at all. I'm very educated but stay home for now with our small kids.

I'd like to think we make final decisions together but the last two moves have been "we have to do this" situations for his career so I've had very little actual input. If I put my foot down to not go for whatever reason I suppose it would have an effect; I'm sure he'd resent me for it on some level though...

Are you doing the same survey for husbands?
I'm involved to the point where he asks my advice about things like applying for a new position or taking a role with more travel. I have used my network to get his resume last hr and to a manager since I know some people in the organization (even if I'm in a different field entirely). Dh is a reservist so we talked about what that commitment means to our lives and the different options there are for him and what that means civilian career wise and military career wise. I may out myself if anyone knows me but he had the option to switch units to one more aligned with his skill set and ambitions when dd was one week old. Caveat is that unit would for sure deploy in a year. We had a hard and long conversation now it's that time and he's in another country until winter. It was a thought out choice based on everything including support systems I have in place to make my year manageable. I also discuss my career movements with him but in what I want, how it may happen and how it would affect our lives.

Zero. I would love if he made more money. Or if he were happier at his job. Or if he had a more impressive title. But after a few years of "being encouraging" (because I actually believed in him) and getting nowhere, I stopped. I can't spend emotional energy on something he doesn't want me to do. And honestly, he doesn't appear to want me to be interested in all beyond empathizing with a bad day. Which is every day.

DH is Army, so very little. For what decisions we do get to make, we make them together.

DH is pretty hands off with my career. I telecommute for a job I've had for several years. It's the only way I've been able to maintain a career always having to move for him. It has recently required much more travel than it used to, and DH only lets me know it's an issue if he knows he has field time the same week and we need to figure out what to do with our dog.

Just taking a little survey! Thanks!