Anonymous wrote:^^Bitch not butch. Sorry

He probably shouldn't call her butch either. Neither should your stepmother.

^^Bitch not butch. Sorry

Pp here. You can never say anything negative about her to the kids. Ever. Just listen and say I'm sorry.

My stepmother would always tell me this.

I could call my mother a bitch but if my stepmother did it, I would be upset. Same with my husband. I could complain to him and call her a butch letting out my steam, but if he called her one, I would take offense. Weird I know.

Just be a listening ear.

Anonymous wrote:How do you deal with your DH's adult children bringing up their mom (DH's ex wife) in front of you at family gatherings? Is it a no go area or do you listen and engage in conversation about her?

It is exactly as big a deal as you bringing up your mom in front of them. What kind of conversations are your husband's adult children having with you about their mother?

Whoa, hold your horses everyone. I think the op is simply asking what is the proper etiquette for when the conservation turns to the mother. Should she engage (most people will tell her to zip it), but then if she remains quiet (most will think she is being a snarky bitch). I'm guessing she can't win either way.

I would shake head yes in amfirmation if it's a positive topic, if it's negative simply walk away and do not engage ever.

Good luck!

No of course it's not a big deal! When my step kids were in school we were in very frequent contact. Now that they are in college it's much less of course. If I haven't talked to her in a while I'll ask the kids "hey how's your mom?"

When you marry a man with kids for better or worse she becomes part of your life.

DH and I have a not-good relationship with his ex-, since she was a pretty crappy mom, and they divorced over twenty years ago. That being said, we have engaged with her civilly at my stepkids' graduations, and once when one was hospitalized for a fairly serious issue. When stepkids were teens we would occasionally have to coordinate by phone on logistical issues related to them. It's fine. DH and I didn't meet until well after their divorce was finalized, so while there's no love lost between us, there isn't the extra baggage of me being the other woman or something like that.

There really isn't much reason for her to come up in conversation with my step kids, but if she does it's not acrimonious.

OP - don't be insecure and jealous - or marry someone without children and baggage.

Listen and engage as you would when anyone you care about talks about their mom.

Wait, why shouldn't my stepkids talk about their mom in front of or with me? That doesn't make any sense.

Seriously, OP, you are evil.

I am a stepmom to young adults (college-aged). I agree that this is part of marrying someone with kids.

She is their mom. At a family gathering, family comes up. Should they pretend their mother does not exist? My stepmother gets pissy when my mom gets brought up, but my parents have been divorced for over 30 years and it is all amicable at this point. The only person that cares is stepmother. What are they saying about their mom?

I am a child of a divorced-as-an-adult couple. My mom is my mom. She always will be. Just as my dad will always be my dad. I am absolutely fine with them not being together anymore, but I refuse to ignore the existence of either one of my parents, and the role that they play in my life, at any point. If you can't handle that, you shouldn't have married someone with kids!

How do you deal with your DH's adult children bringing up their mom (DH's ex wife) in front of you at family gatherings? Is it a no go area or do you listen and engage in conversation about her?