Drop. The. Rope.

Show up when you can, be pleasant, celebrate. If you genuinely can't make it, then you genuinely can't make it, and offer sincere regrets, then keep it moving. If she throws a fit, she throws a fit.

Extend invitations to your events. If she can't make it, she can't make it. Offer sincere regrets that she can't join you, and say you look forward to the next time. If she throws a fit that you won't reschedule, then she throws a fit.

Take yourself out of this ridiculous game. DROP THE ROPE.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't she just miss your kids' confirmation? Will the world end? It sounds like you all are awfully enmeshed if you are planning all dates like this together.

you know, i am kinda over it. why is everything a command performance for her family, yet she can barely be bothered when it comes to her brother's?

Why does it have to be so tit and tat? You really care too much. If she makes it, she makes it. It's confirmation. I don't remember my own confirmation or any that I attended.

I don't think it is tit for tat. I think it is showing up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't she just miss your kids' confirmation? Will the world end? It sounds like you all are awfully enmeshed if you are planning all dates like this together.

you know, i am kinda over it. why is everything a command performance for her family, yet she can barely be bothered when it comes to her brother's?

Why does it have to be so tit and tat? You really care too much. If she makes it, she makes it. It's confirmation. I don't remember my own confirmation or any that I attended.

Anonymous wrote:Why can't she just miss your kids' confirmation? Will the world end? It sounds like you all are awfully enmeshed if you are planning all dates like this together.

you know, i am kinda over it. why is everything a command performance for her family, yet she can barely be bothered when it comes to her brother's?

OP here. SIL makes a HUGE deal that we must attend her family events. Everything is a ten on a scale of one to ten. And we've done so, even when inconvenient. We have been a lot more flex on our stuff, but kids are asking that their only aunt and uncle and cousins be there for the confirmation. Both sets of g'parents coming in, etc. There are not regularly schedule family events and this would be the one for the year.

On the cousin front, DH overheard our DCs complaining about cousins and the one-way interactions. They noticed less when they were younger, but now as teens, they more clearly see what's going on, that they are expected to entertain and hang out with DCs younger than them but their cousins don't have to do that with them. On the wedding front, DH caved to his sister's request, but would probably not do so now (no, it was not a surgery, wedding, or graduation).

What can you do? You can tell her to skip the confirmation date and go to her reunion.

"Oh Mary, the kids will be just fine if you miss their confirmation. Please don't skip your reunion on our account!"

Is she a sponsor for the confirmation? That I would understand her needing to go if not I do t think it's a big deal if she passes for the reunion.

enmeshed and show up = love....both spot on

not to every event
not necessary. not considered necessary to prove love. not for reasonable people

I'm still trying to figure out how you changed your wedding date to accommodate her. Please share what her reason was to ask for this. Other than surgery, her own graduation or wedding, what could it be?

enmeshed and show up = love....both spot on.

I would miss the confirmation, in a second, to go to a HS reunion. If someone is the go-to-reunion-type. Op, are you insisting she go to the confirmation? Is family insisting she go? I think most of these problems are family using showing-up-for-all-events as a litmus test for love. Not healthy.

If my sister or SIL couldn't make our kids' confirmation for a reunion, I would totally understand.

Tell her to go and enjoy the reunion, and that you look forward to seeing her at X or Y event in the future.

Don't get it.

I agree with PP.

Why can't she just miss your kids' confirmation? Will the world end? It sounds like you all are awfully enmeshed if you are planning all dates like this together.

Not quite a vent but a grumble: SIL and I had a poor relationship for years but took a turn for better about five or years ago. That said, I am sure I still irk her and vice versa. I think what gets me is that she expects us to either extend courtesies or overlook behavior that she would not do in turn for us. Expects our kids to be ready for when her kids are interested (they are slightly older) but has no expectation for her own children (no obligation that they should entertain/interact with our kids, even for an obligatory hour, etc). The latest revolves around dates. She sets important dates and expects us to jump. We consulted her when we got married and she insisted on our shifting our date as it wasn't convenient for her. She got her kids' confirmation dates and told us. I checked her kids' school calendars when setting ours, but left it at that. She now can't let go how she has to miss her HS reunion that weekend. I feel bad, but what can I do. We had to move up our wedding date to accommodate her (doubt DH would do that now as he has more insight into what she does) and we decided that we were not going to have our kids delay confirmation in order that she can see old friends (again, totally get that but what can i do).