Anonymous wrote:To the PP, thanks so much for your honesty. It's without a doubt the hardest position I've ever been in. My fear with terminating is will I feel more guilt and regret than I will relief? I'm afraid that I don't have total clarity and I can't predict how it will be afterward. I just don't think I can mentally and physically go through with this 4th pregnancy and child. But terminating has never even crossed my mind before (even tho I am pro choice) - I never believed I would find myself contemplating it, and I feel terribly guilty that it seems to be what I am leaning towards.

This is then PP. Wish we knew each other in real life and I could give you a hug. I get it so completely. And if you fall down the internet rabbit hole (which I would NOT advise) you will see that there are so many people who have felt this way. You are not alone. When I first found out I was shocked, but I fully anticipated that it would wear off and I would get excited. I TRIED to get excited. I talked to my husband at length, talked to my therapist a ton, but I could NOT shake the absolute dread. It enveloped me.

I was worried like you that I would regret it, and getting an abortion was the most terrified I've ever been. But it was fine. I went home and rested after and realized that for the first time I felt calm. It was the first time I had felt peace since the whole ordeal began.

I think so many pro choice women think "good for her, not for me." I know I did. This made me rethink everything about how I felt about abortion. If we don't think there's anything wrong with it, then why are we so terrified/worried/ashamed of it? Anyway...thoughts for another day.

Whatever decision you make, you will be OK. My therapist reminds me all the time that your body and mind can't stay at such a heightened level of anxiety for a prolonged period of time. One way or another you will find peace. Good luck with whatever you choose. You will be ok.

To the PP, thanks so much for your honesty. It's without a doubt the hardest position I've ever been in. My fear with terminating is will I feel more guilt and regret than I will relief? I'm afraid that I don't have total clarity and I can't predict how it will be afterward. I just don't think I can mentally and physically go through with this 4th pregnancy and child. But terminating has never even crossed my mind before (even tho I am pro choice) - I never believed I would find myself contemplating it, and I feel terribly guilty that it seems to be what I am leaning towards.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I saw this thread, and literally am in the same position as OP. Surprise pregnancy with my 4th and 10wks but feeling so scared and anxious, and have been actually secretly hoping I naturally miscarry. Which makes me feel like a terrible mother. I know my older three kids would love another sibling, and my husband and I can financially handle it (not without added stress of course), but I don't know that I want to put myself through another pregnancy, another csection, post partum (I had a horrific time for months after my third), infancy, feeling overwhelmed with the needs of 4, etc. I have three healthy kids and am terrified of something being wrong with this baby, even though statistically I know the odds are in my favor. I don't know we want to roll the dice again.

My husband is supportive and wants whatever I want. I've met with my OB and he said we can terminate and it's a choice that I'd be making for my whole family. I'm on lexapro which manages my anxiety, but I have yet to feel any joy or excitement. I feel so torn and sad I'm in this position. I wish I could just be happy about this, like I have with my previous three pregnancies. Something just feels so off about this one. I should feel grateful and blessed, but I really deep down just feel terrified. Part of me feels like I will feel relief if I terminate but another part feels that I will have guilt/regret/sadness.

Wondering if anyone else has been in this position?

Just wanted to say I am the PP 19:38. I so feel for the women on this thread. Your situation sounds identical to mine. Surprise pregnancy, severe unexpected anxiety and depression - amplified concern about something wrong with the baby. I was obsessed with this feeling of dread that something was wrong and was sure the tests would come back with something horrible. Also experienced the wish for natural miscarriage and the guilt that comes with it. Just wanted to say again that I think a lot of what you are experiencing is hormonal - I was told those feelings can be triggered in later pregnancies and the surprise factor can be a part, even if you can handle financially (which we also could). Anyways, it got SO SO much better for me around 14 weeks. By 20 weeks I was happy self again, felt totally back to normal and even started to feel excited. I just had the baby, everything worked out wonderfully and my husband and I agree that the surprise worked out as a gift in so many ways. I just wanted to send an encouraging word, because I have been there, and it is the PITS and the feelings are REAL, but you can make it through and you are doing wonderful things for your family. Hugs to you.

Another big hug to someone who has been there. Immediate panic and anxiety at an unplanned pregnancy, that I assumed would turn to joy and just... didn't. I was a basket case of crying and severe anxiety, and just like many others wished to midcarry. My anxiety and depression mostly fixated on my existing child, who was still a baby, and worrying about his welfare if I had another baby so son. (I know people do it all the time, but my thoughts werent rational.). My anxiety was so extreme that the only thought that gave me peace was imagining myself not pregnant. For this reason, after much soul searching I did terminate. I'm really happy for the PP where the worked out-clearly this is the best case. But fir me it was the only choice. And the moment it was over I was relieved and felt myself again.

All I can say is good luck to those in the same boat. This too shall pass, one way or another you won't be stuck in this mind state forever.

Anonymous wrote:I saw this thread, and literally am in the same position as OP. Surprise pregnancy with my 4th and 10wks but feeling so scared and anxious, and have been actually secretly hoping I naturally miscarry. Which makes me feel like a terrible mother. I know my older three kids would love another sibling, and my husband and I can financially handle it (not without added stress of course), but I don't know that I want to put myself through another pregnancy, another csection, post partum (I had a horrific time for months after my third), infancy, feeling overwhelmed with the needs of 4, etc. I have three healthy kids and am terrified of something being wrong with this baby, even though statistically I know the odds are in my favor. I don't know we want to roll the dice again.

My husband is supportive and wants whatever I want. I've met with my OB and he said we can terminate and it's a choice that I'd be making for my whole family. I'm on lexapro which manages my anxiety, but I have yet to feel any joy or excitement. I feel so torn and sad I'm in this position. I wish I could just be happy about this, like I have with my previous three pregnancies. Something just feels so off about this one. I should feel grateful and blessed, but I really deep down just feel terrified. Part of me feels like I will feel relief if I terminate but another part feels that I will have guilt/regret/sadness.

Wondering if anyone else has been in this position?

Just wanted to say I am the PP 19:38. I so feel for the women on this thread. Your situation sounds identical to mine. Surprise pregnancy, severe unexpected anxiety and depression - amplified concern about something wrong with the baby. I was obsessed with this feeling of dread that something was wrong and was sure the tests would come back with something horrible. Also experienced the wish for natural miscarriage and the guilt that comes with it. Just wanted to say again that I think a lot of what you are experiencing is hormonal - I was told those feelings can be triggered in later pregnancies and the surprise factor can be a part, even if you can handle financially (which we also could). Anyways, it got SO SO much better for me around 14 weeks. By 20 weeks I was happy self again, felt totally back to normal and even started to feel excited. I just had the baby, everything worked out wonderfully and my husband and I agree that the surprise worked out as a gift in so many ways. I just wanted to send an encouraging word, because I have been there, and it is the PITS and the feelings are REAL, but you can make it through and you are doing wonderful things for your family. Hugs to you.

I just want to add that I'm pregnant with my second and have also been a mess. My anxiety is through the roof and I can't control my emotions. I'm sorry you're going through this OP....

I saw this thread, and literally am in the same position as OP. Surprise pregnancy with my 4th and 10wks but feeling so scared and anxious, and have been actually secretly hoping I naturally miscarry. Which makes me feel like a terrible mother. I know my older three kids would love another sibling, and my husband and I can financially handle it (not without added stress of course), but I don't know that I want to put myself through another pregnancy, another csection, post partum (I had a horrific time for months after my third), infancy, feeling overwhelmed with the needs of 4, etc. I have three healthy kids and am terrified of something being wrong with this baby, even though statistically I know the odds are in my favor. I don't know we want to roll the dice again.

My husband is supportive and wants whatever I want. I've met with my OB and he said we can terminate and it's a choice that I'd be making for my whole family. I'm on lexapro which manages my anxiety, but I have yet to feel any joy or excitement. I feel so torn and sad I'm in this position. I wish I could just be happy about this, like I have with my previous three pregnancies. Something just feels so off about this one. I should feel grateful and blessed, but I really deep down just feel terrified. Part of me feels like I will feel relief if I terminate but another part feels that I will have guilt/regret/sadness.

Wondering if anyone else has been in this position?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am so grateful to you who responded with encouraging words, similar stories, and good advice. I'm so torn up about this. My oldest asked me tonight why my face is so swollen (from crying). I have made an appointment with a prenatal psychiatrist and will see a therapist. I have tremendous guilt ... like I am not feeling the motherly or protector role with this little one (saw heartbeat today at 7 weeks) that I feel with my three other children. I wish I could envision getting thru the pregnancy the birth and the newborn stage, but I feel so paralyzed with fear at this movement I am unsure how to even get through the week... and I feel terribly guilty that I'm being so absent-minded to my children right now and stuck in my own head.

I am in an unexpected pregnancy with my fourth right now. I was wracked with guilt and seriously contemplated terminating, which would have been a valid choice. You should definitely see someone before deciding, and your OB should be able to refer you to a therapist. There also are medications you can take in the first trimester - I'm on zoloft for anxiety right now, and it is key to keeping it together. I also echo the PPs that you should give it some time, as hard as that is. Before I knew I was pregnant, I felt certain that I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. My anxiety was insane, and I was contemplating major career/life changes for absolutely no reason. It was definitely the hormones and that paralyzing phase passed after a week or two. Hugs, OP.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am so grateful to you who responded with encouraging words, similar stories, and good advice. I'm so torn up about this. My oldest asked me tonight why my face is so swollen (from crying). I have made an appointment with a prenatal psychiatrist and will see a therapist. I have tremendous guilt ... like I am not feeling the motherly or protector role with this little one (saw heartbeat today at 7 weeks) that I feel with my three other children. I wish I could envision getting thru the pregnancy the birth and the newborn stage, but I feel so paralyzed with fear at this movement I am unsure how to even get through the week... and I feel terribly guilty that I'm being so absent-minded to my children right now and stuck in my own head.

I just want to say I'm sorry OP. Whether you terminate or not, I know how awful anxiety is and am sorry you're going through this.

FWIW, whatever happens, none of this means you're a terrible parent.

Hang in there.

OP here. I am so grateful to you who responded with encouraging words, similar stories, and good advice. I'm so torn up about this. My oldest asked me tonight why my face is so swollen (from crying). I have made an appointment with a prenatal psychiatrist and will see a therapist. I have tremendous guilt ... like I am not feeling the motherly or protector role with this little one (saw heartbeat today at 7 weeks) that I feel with my three other children. I wish I could envision getting thru the pregnancy the birth and the newborn stage, but I feel so paralyzed with fear at this movement I am unsure how to even get through the week... and I feel terribly guilty that I'm being so absent-minded to my children right now and stuck in my own head.

I am sorry that you are upset.

If you are considering terminating and want my honest advice, here it is, straight and simple:

- Set a date by which to make a decision.
- Make an objective list about the reasons why this pregnancy is/could be positive and why it is/could be negative. Positive examples are things like you want another baby/you and DH have room and $ for this child/you don't feel complete as a family/your car is already big enough, etc.... Negative examples are things like you can't afford another child as your life is now/you struggle to give time to your existing kids/special needs or health problems with a new child would send you over the edge/you are healthy and are worried about another c-section or gaining weight/you were planning to go back to work in 6 months, etc...
- Have your DH add to/give input about this list. I hope he is a true ally and open to the options you say you're considering. You can even make a similar list about the +s and -s of carrying this pregnancy or terminating; this list includes things like religion, potential regret, and many repeats of the above.
- With and without DH, make a judgement about what direction the list(s) tip the scales in. You don't have to do that thing, but acknowledge it.
- Take this list and your (your, DH's, your collective) judgements to your therapist. Talk about it and make a decision. Act on the decision and move ahead with facts and reason and process on your side, which should help should you feel regret (which you will, either way, I am guessing, and that is OK). You're going to be upset either way, relieved or happy either way, and life will go on. So do what's best for you and your family.

Was this a wanted/planned pregnancy prior to this? If so, I would not make any decisions until you've addressed this with a doctor and are past the first tri. Are you on any meds?

I had horrific anxiety and depression with my third. It blind sided me bc I am normally a very happy person and love my life and kids and wanted a third and probably even more. No scorching but would just strongly urge you to get some professional help first - the depression and anxiety lifted for me around 12-14 weeks, tracking with the big hormone level off. I think it was very hormonal and I've heard those hormones can actually affect women harder in later pregnancies. Hang in there - you are a gift to your family and your children! Try to make lists daily of things that make you happy and grateful, and don't be afraid to get help and take meds if need be.

I think you need to get blood work done ASAP and check your thyroid and iron levels (especially ferritin levels). Any of those things being off can make you feel extremely depressed and anxious. I would try to go see your OB and see what other recommendations they have and what your options are. HUGE hugs.

Honestly, I would a) go and see a therapist and b) wait until the end of your first trimester before terminating. I felt this exact way for the pregnancies of my second and now third. I actually called the OB around week 7 of my 3rd pregnancy (I am now 22 weeks) and asked what my options were because I felt enormously regretful, scared and dreading the birth. This is a planned pregnancy, and as soon as I found out I was pregnant, it was like I completely switched and didn't want the baby AT ALL. Right at the end of the first trimester, just like with my second pregnancy, it was like a switch flipped and I felt better. I am now super excited about the baby and excited to have 3 kids, and I NEVER would have thought I could say that based on how I felt those first several weeks. Try not to feel guilty. It is the hormones. Find someone safe you can talk to - tell your OB - tell a close friend - anyone you can in order to air the feelings out. You are not alone or unusual and I swear, i tell everyone about this type of thing because no one talks about it, and I think it's more common than we know.

Since I found out I was pregnant with my 4th, I've been riddled with anxiety and depression and insomnia and I feel almost paralyzed with the fear of unknowns. I've had three previous pregnancies where I didn't suffer from any of this. I'm so confused by my feelings but I know I am everything but excited. I spoke with a prenatal psychiatrist today who said it very well may be my hormones and perhaps I need medication, but I'm to the point where I feel my head is in another place when I'm with my three healthy children whom I adore. I don't want to get scortched here but I'm contemplating terminating this pregnancy -- IVe thought through this so much and never ever expected I'd feel this way, but I feel like I'm not in any mental shape to carry this pregnancy through and I worry about the effect on my three kids, and loving husband. I feel like the worlds most terriable mother and so guilty, but I can't seem to control these feelings. I'm really just wondering if anyone else has been through something similar. I don't know where to go from here.