Anonymous wrote:OP, don't listen to the "you are exhausting" troll. It says that to everyone.

Your husband doesn't have a right to emotionally abuse you to blow off steam when he's stressed. He needs to understand that. There is no excuse for a stressed person to make another person his verbal punching bag. Consider what you're teaching your daughter with this example. You don't want her to grow up thinking it's okay and normal and to find herself in the same situation.

Your husband is really checked out. He should be expecting to pitch in more in the household, especially now that you have a child.

Always on his phone, "working" so many random long hours, (yet finding time to watch television half the night), and picking fights and running off (where and to who?) are things cheaters do, too. Most men would respond positively if you commented on how sexy they look. He got mad, picked a fight, and went out for hours. Kind of a glaring red flag, if you ask me.

Things don't sound good, and I'd be surprised if it gets better. You need to do something now. Look into what he's really doing. Go with him to a better therapist.

OP here. I do worry a lot about what we're teaching DD and am not sure how to deal with this while staying in the relationship. I'm not worried that he's cheating or what he's up to. He's good at keeping me in the loop about where he is and if he's working late at the office, I know he's there because he'll call me from his work line. I guess he could have a quickie at a nearby hotel or tryst with a coworker and still manage to call me from work, but then he's damn good at hiding it! He normally reacts positively when I comment on how he looks, it was just this one time that he got pissed.

I do agree that he is checked out, not with respect to DD, but with me. He doesn't deal with stress well, is very much an introvert and needs a lot of alone time - hours spent in front of the TV - to decompress. i get where he is coming from because I also like having a lot of alone time, but the difference is that I've given up on most of it because I'm a wife and mom now. While DD is so young, his need for alone time doesn't affect her so much, but eventually, she will notice and I wonder what it will be like then.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds stressed out -- not so much contemptuous, at least in the example you provide here. If you had some other examples that showed basic lack of respect in non-stressful circumstances my reaction would be more negative.

Fighting with you about his time this weekend isn't mature -- you're right he could have been more direct -- but I don't consider that emotional abuse per se.

And I'm a feminist who would be very quick to call out a guy for disrespectful behavior (unlike most people on DCUM who seem to explain away all kinds of ridiculous behavior).

This is OP. He will rant and rave at me as he did tonight even if work-unrelated. For example, he tends to watch a lot of TV, like 5 hours straight until 2 am a lot, which is annoying in general, but now with DD, not cool in my book because all that TV makes him less available for things he should be doing, such as m time with me and/or DD. One night it was 1 am and I commented "oh you're watching so much TV, you should go to bed," and that tipped him off in a slow boil of rage. What is emotionally abusive is how he argues with me. He will argue with me in a way to "punish" me. He knows there are certain things I really dislike and he will do those things simply to get back at me. For instance, he will yell in front of DD because he knows how much I hate it and it hurts me (because it hurts her). He will rant and rave at me even though I'm not engaging him, even if I'm lying in bed trying to sleep with the door closed between us, because he knows that with DD there, I have to put up with it because I won't leave her. He knows I hate it when he storms out of the apt, in and of itself, but especially now because he knows I can't do the same. In a nutshell, he uses DD against me.

Another thing is he is always stressed over work. If work is slow, he'll be stressed about not being productive enough or he'll stress about the one deal hanging over his head. For the brief few months he didn't work and was waiting for his next job to start and Likewise he was free from the stress of work, he was a different man.

I appreciate your take on tonight's fight. I guess because I never blow up like he does, it's hard for me to feel like his behavior is anything but unreasonable.

God, isn't it obvious? He's always arguing with you because you micromanage the sh*t out of his life. Now he can't watch TV after the kid goes to bed? Dear lord.

Nothing you can do to ease his stress besides taking a vow of silence lol.
Maybe you could encourage him to do some yoga.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your DH a lawyer or banker? I went through a period of short tempered as$&@& DH when he was in a terrible situation at work. What I did was basically not count on him for anything and give him a lot of space - I hired childcare and household help and told him if he has to work, to go into the office. I was pregnant with DC2 so was going to bed at 8:30pm, meaning basically I never saw him. Obviously this is temporary and not sustainable long term - DH got a new better job and calmed the f$&@ down. It wasn't a great time in our marriage, but we've been together a long time and I believed it was a temporary situation.

This is OP and yes, DH is a lawyer. Obvious, right? Part of my hopelessness is that he will not consider getting another job. I was very involved in his last job search and he got very, very lucky to find his current job, none of his other prospects came anywhere close. If he were to change firms, he would have to take a huge cut (like over 50%) in compensation and lose job security. So we're stuck until he's ready to retire (I'm praying for five years).

So wait - you don't work? And were 'very involved in his last job search?' He's stressed because he's supporting all of you. It doesn't make his behavior OK, but I have to agree with PP - you sound exhausting ("my loving comment ..." blech.

OP, he sounds a lot like my dh and I have tried everything (including therapy, couples and individual), but nothing has worked. I would have done anything to avoid putting our child through a divorce. My last attempt included being the Best Wife Ever to him and on my own enjoying time with our child and pursuing my own interests. Well, I think I stroked his ego too much, because after a couple of years (where he actually seemed really happy) he started an emotional affair with a younger, former co-worker. The affair ended after a couple of months, but now I'm just done.

The only things that actually "work" with my dh are (1) using reverse psychology and (2) never, ever letting him see what hurts me. If you take the things your dh is doing that hurt you the most and change your reaction to the exact opposite, his payoff will end (not right away, but pretty quickly) and he will stop that particular behavior.

You really have to make a plan and get out. Your child is young enough not to remember a time when you lived together and having you and dh in separate homes will seem normal.

Anonymous wrote:Is your DH a lawyer or banker? I went through a period of short tempered as$&@& DH when he was in a terrible situation at work. What I did was basically not count on him for anything and give him a lot of space - I hired childcare and household help and told him if he has to work, to go into the office. I was pregnant with DC2 so was going to bed at 8:30pm, meaning basically I never saw him. Obviously this is temporary and not sustainable long term - DH got a new better job and calmed the f$&@ down. It wasn't a great time in our marriage, but we've been together a long time and I believed it was a temporary situation.

This is OP and yes, DH is a lawyer. Obvious, right? Part of my hopelessness is that he will not consider getting another job. I was very involved in his last job search and he got very, very lucky to find his current job, none of his other prospects came anywhere close. If he were to change firms, he would have to take a huge cut (like over 50%) in compensation and lose job security. So we're stuck until he's ready to retire (I'm praying for five years).

There is no clearly right answer here, but I will say that, on his side, having a two-year-old and lots of work stress can really take a toll on a person. But that doesn't give him the right to be mean. When the stress abates, tell him you're unhappy and talk with him about finding a good way to manage the stress in his life. Maybe he should leave the house and work somewhere else when he's slammed with work. Maybe he needs to introduce something calming like exercise or solo hiking or whatever. And make sure that you are getting some time for yourself too. All of this stress time will pass, but you want to make sure that no lasting injury is being done in the meantime.

OP, don't listen to the "you are exhausting" troll. It says that to everyone.

Your husband doesn't have a right to emotionally abuse you to blow off steam when he's stressed. He needs to understand that. There is no excuse for a stressed person to make another person his verbal punching bag. Consider what you're teaching your daughter with this example. You don't want her to grow up thinking it's okay and normal and to find herself in the same situation.

Your husband is really checked out. He should be expecting to pitch in more in the household, especially now that you have a child.

Always on his phone, "working" so many random long hours, (yet finding time to watch television half the night), and picking fights and running off (where and to who?) are things cheaters do, too. Most men would respond positively if you commented on how sexy they look. He got mad, picked a fight, and went out for hours. Kind of a glaring red flag, if you ask me.

Things don't sound good, and I'd be surprised if it gets better. You need to do something now. Look into what he's really doing. Go with him to a better therapist.

Op, you are exhausting. Give the man a break.

Is your DH a lawyer or banker? I went through a period of short tempered as$&@& DH when he was in a terrible situation at work. What I did was basically not count on him for anything and give him a lot of space - I hired childcare and household help and told him if he has to work, to go into the office. I was pregnant with DC2 so was going to bed at 8:30pm, meaning basically I never saw him. Obviously this is temporary and not sustainable long term - DH got a new better job and calmed the f$&@ down. It wasn't a great time in our marriage, but we've been together a long time and I believed it was a temporary situation.

TwistdMike wrote:Do a little research and reading online in regards to "managing conflicts" and "emotional triggers".

I've never gone to therapy, so not exactly sure what they do to help teaching these points. However, I have attended many trainings on these types of topics as part of my job. The methods work both in a corporate and personal atmosphere.

Good luck

Thanks, I will.

Anonymous wrote:He sounds stressed out -- not so much contemptuous, at least in the example you provide here. If you had some other examples that showed basic lack of respect in non-stressful circumstances my reaction would be more negative.

Fighting with you about his time this weekend isn't mature -- you're right he could have been more direct -- but I don't consider that emotional abuse per se.

And I'm a feminist who would be very quick to call out a guy for disrespectful behavior (unlike most people on DCUM who seem to explain away all kinds of ridiculous behavior).

This is OP. He will rant and rave at me as he did tonight even if work-unrelated. For example, he tends to watch a lot of TV, like 5 hours straight until 2 am a lot, which is annoying in general, but now with DD, not cool in my book because all that TV makes him less available for things he should be doing, such as m time with me and/or DD. One night it was 1 am and I commented "oh you're watching so much TV, you should go to bed," and that tipped him off in a slow boil of rage. What is emotionally abusive is how he argues with me. He will argue with me in a way to "punish" me. He knows there are certain things I really dislike and he will do those things simply to get back at me. For instance, he will yell in front of DD because he knows how much I hate it and it hurts me (because it hurts her). He will rant and rave at me even though I'm not engaging him, even if I'm lying in bed trying to sleep with the door closed between us, because he knows that with DD there, I have to put up with it because I won't leave her. He knows I hate it when he storms out of the apt, in and of itself, but especially now because he knows I can't do the same. In a nutshell, he uses DD against me.

Another thing is he is always stressed over work. If work is slow, he'll be stressed about not being productive enough or he'll stress about the one deal hanging over his head. For the brief few months he didn't work and was waiting for his next job to start and Likewise he was free from the stress of work, he was a different man.

I appreciate your take on tonight's fight. I guess because I never blow up like he does, it's hard for me to feel like his behavior is anything but unreasonable.

Do a little research and reading online in regards to "managing conflicts" and "emotional triggers".

I've never gone to therapy, so not exactly sure what they do to help teaching these points. However, I have attended many trainings on these types of topics as part of my job. The methods work both in a corporate and personal atmosphere.

Good luck

He sounds stressed out -- not so much contemptuous, at least in the example you provide here. If you had some other examples that showed basic lack of respect in non-stressful circumstances my reaction would be more negative.

Fighting with you about his time this weekend isn't mature -- you're right he could have been more direct -- but I don't consider that emotional abuse per se.

And I'm a feminist who would be very quick to call out a guy for disrespectful behavior (unlike most people on DCUM who seem to explain away all kinds of ridiculous behavior).

DH and I have been married 7 years and have a 2 year old DD. He treats me poorly in various ways and while I think it is completely unacceptable, I just don't see myself getting out of the relationship, especially now that we have a DD. He has a hair trigger temper and gets VERY ANGRY with me over the littlest things. For example, we were out all morning and early afternoon with DD and once we got back, he started working at his computer. Since he was busy, I didn't ask him for anything, such as helping with DD, but whenever she went to him, he seemed happy to take a break with her and never once said anything to me to indicate that he was really busy and needed me to step up. DD is heavy and a pain with toothbrushing so I asked him this evening if he could help (in the form of holding on to her so she can't flail her arms as much). He said OK. I jokingly commented how sexy he looked in his boxers (he was shirtless, which is not usual for him) and he quickly retorted, that's because I'm too busy to put clothes on! I got upset naturally and said that he shouldn't react so negatively to what was a loving comment on my part and that's when he started unloading on me about how he spent the whole weekend doing stuff for me (spending time with my friends and my dad who visited yesterday afternoon, then spending family time with DD and me today) even though he was busy with work, how I should know he's really busy because he's always looking at his phone & woke up at 5am to do work, how I don't appreciate all he does because if I did, I wouldn't get on his case and start an argument (my getting upset to his "I"m too busy to put clothes on" apparently started the argument, according to him), how insulting I am to waste his time with this conversation when he is so busy, etc. etc. I wasn't wordless through all this, I try to reason with him - "I do appreciate you and I thought I showed it, I just don't appreciate your negative reaction to my loving comment", "I knew you were working, but since you were playing with DD on and off, I didn't think a couple minutes of toothbrushing was a big deal" "I'm not a mindreader, if you are really busy, just say I'm busy so can't do XYZ" but whatever I say just sets him off more. He then stormed out saying he was going to the office, I expect he will come home really late tonight.

While this doesn't happen all the time, it happens often enough, like once a month or two. Basically, whenever he gets really stressed with work, he becomes a completely unreasonable a**h***. Once he has a chance to cool off, or the work stress goes away, oftentimes the next time he sees me he acts all sweet and loving to me. He can still be a jerk even if it's not work-related, but less so. Last Christmas, we were staying with my parents and I told him I didn't want to go back home with him because I was sick of this and other BS and he promised me that things would get better, that he would try to be positive so long as I did so I agreed (with misgivings) to come back. Well nothing has changed, he really does not make an effort, even when I remind him of this conversation and promise. We have tried couples counseling before and it didn't really work. A couple years after we finished our sessions, I had additional sessions with our therapist (because of fights like these) who, since DH is no longer her patient, no longer has to have the veneer of objectivity and she told me that DH is immature and I need to decide whether to accept him and his faults or not (and leave).

I have not left and am resistant to leaving. First and foremost, there is DD. Second, I don't think divorce will necessarily make me happier, reading DCUM probably validates this feeling, if anything. Third, and I know this is kind of lame, I don't want to start over again. At 40, I'm still attractive and look young, but I don't want to play the dating game again. I also look at my parents who stayed together after being on the brink of divorce and they are now very happy together. DH plans to retire in 5-7 years and I know that once he does, we will be much happier. I think also that I could maybe help in these situations by clamping down on my own hair trigger and keep quiet when he says something rude or in a rude manner. On one hand, I feel like it's being the bigger person to not engage, but on the other, I feel like then I'm being the quiet, submissive wife and perhaps victim?? Also, DH knows that I do not want to leave him, not that I've said so, but actions speak louder than words and I stayed by his side through some serious sh*t. And if anything, I think this emboldens him to treat me even worse; early in our marriage before DD, he could still be a d*ck, but I feel like it's gotten worse. Although it hurts me to admit it, he emotionally abuses me and it humiliates me.

I know I'll get a lot of responses saying I should be strong and just leave, but I'm hoping to get other responses, not necessarily encouraging me to stay, but just something that might give me some food for thought on my situation.